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January 23, 2005

Help Wanted

Thomas Oliphant feels the President's plans for spreading democracy are... shall we say... a tad unrealistic? Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to offer any better ideas.

The half-vast editorial staff has rounded up a few helpful suggestions to jump-start the discussion process, so place your vote for your favorite option. We guarantee they'll be seen by highly-placed insiders at the Oval Office.

So how should Bush end terrorism and spread freedom to all corners of the globe? (we assume Democratic cooperation, of course)
Turn over control of all operations to the United Nations.
Establish a dialog with al Qaeda and withdraw troops from the Middle East to avoid provoking him further.
Dedicate the entire GNP of the United States to ending world poverty.
Resign from office and admit that John Kerry really won the election.
Declare war on AIDS and malnutrition: those are our real enemies, not Osama bin Laden.
Invade Russia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Pakistan, and North Hollywood immediately.
Admit that meat is murder, the Kyoto Protocols are necessary for our survival as a planet, and testosterone is a toxic substance.

Posted by Cassandra at January 23, 2005 08:10 AM

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When people like Oliphant start quoting Republicans on a stick like Chafee, you know the Left is scraping bottom. Are Oliphant and Chafee saying that we should invade - at this very moment - every country on their list? Wouldn't it be more reasonable to, say, work on democracy one country at a time. Who knows, if they see the big bad Americans coming, maybe some of them will give free elections a try of their own accord. Wasn't it fairly recently that Lybia discovered they didn't really need a nuclear program? It must have been a coincidence and had nothing at all to do with our nosing about Iraq, huh?

The wonderful thing about Oliphant is that he has this extraordinary ability to be on the wrong side of just about any issue. If you don't believe me, ask John O'Neill (for those of you with a memory like mine - think Swift Vets). He lectured O'Neill on the standards newspapers had to meet, but somehow, he lost his tongue when his beloved Boston Globe made Memogate a frontpage story. Not to worry, parent company, New York Times, couldn't wait to adorn its pages with the story, either. Still, not a word from dear old Oliphant on the standards papers have to meet.

Honestly, their is better writing in the contributions to Villainous Company than Oliphant will ever be capable of. But, guess who earns the big bucks! Go figure.

Posted by: RIslander [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 23, 2005 12:42 PM

I can't believe "meat is murder" hasn't gotten a vote yet.

That was my favorite: I'm crushed...

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 12:53 PM

Sorry, Cass, but when I read that we had troops in Maine, I just knew that it was important to get them out before Osama gets really, really mad.

Posted by: spd rdr at January 23, 2005 01:08 PM

LOL! I was thinking the same damn thing.

Posted by: RIslander [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 23, 2005 01:12 PM

I hate you both.

The poll software only allows you so many letters when making up questions and answers. Fortunately I've discovered I can edit the HTML afterwards - pppppppppth...

The funny thing is Oliphant is making such a big deal about terrorism Somalia and Africa, but WE HAVE TROOPS ALREADY IN DJIBOUTI. Why the (*&^ does he think they are there? An extended vacation?


Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 01:23 PM

Where in Maine is Djibouti?

I am a neo-con hawk, so naturally I think the answer is to invade, every country everywhere. Provided Israel approves of course.

Posted by: Pile On® at January 23, 2005 01:31 PM

Oliphant should make a big deal of Samolia. After all, bin Laden cites Clinton's actions (ie, retreat) there as the reason he thinks we can be defeated in the long run.

Posted by: RIslander [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 23, 2005 02:09 PM

Well, Pile, having lived in gret state of Maine ("Vacationland!")for a few years, I can find the towns of China, Norway, Poland, Calias (pronounced "Callis"), Paris, Belfast, Sorento, Lebanon, Madrid, Clinton, Hope and Damariscotta, but I can't locate Djyasheikyerbootti anywhere. Perhaps its on Mount Desert Island?

Posted by: spd rdr at January 23, 2005 02:17 PM

Djibouti is in Africa, smart a$$, as you well know. I hope the next time you're in Maine, a horde of big ole' black flies comes and bites you on the butt :)

I haven't been in Maine since high school but have fond (!) memories of enormous, flesh-eating biting insects in August when you're camping out. You can keep them as far as I'm concerned...

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 03:27 PM

How did I mispell "declare"?

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 03:28 PM

I don't know Cass, you must have changed it or I could tell you.

Posted by: Pile On® at January 23, 2005 03:39 PM

I did change it, but I need to go to the optometrist or something. I can't believe I'm making mistakes like that and not noticing them.

That's just not like me. Maybe I need glasses, or contacts, or something. Or more sleep. I don't know.

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 03:58 PM

Blackflies appear in late May early June but are all but forgotten by July 4th. I'd rather an August in downeast Maine than anywhere else in the world.

Maybe I'll do a post about this wonderful State someday. It is that special.

Posted by: spd rdr at January 23, 2005 04:40 PM

spd, we're talking thirty years ago, so I may have the month wrong (but I don't think so). Plus I was in the far north of Maine and then in Canada - I never actually lived there or spent any length of time. We were just there for camping trips.

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 05:18 PM

Obviously, this is just another case of women talking about anything they know nothing about, whether or not they know anything about it or not.

*resting head on chopping block...still smiling...*

Posted by: spd rdr at January 23, 2005 06:23 PM

My God spd, (pun intended)one post at EFI and now you are going to die. Where does this leave me....did you give that any thought?

Always ask yourself before you do anything (this applies to all y'all) how will this effect Pile?

Posted by: Pile On® at January 23, 2005 07:52 PM

I always wondered where Stephen King got all his inspiration from to be so prolific, but than I spent some time in Maine.

Posted by: RIslander [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 23, 2005 08:06 PM

You had better pray, P.O.
I am loose...at last.

Posted by: spd rdr at January 23, 2005 08:14 PM

Yes, spd honey, you're right of course.

I don't know what I was thinking... Sometimes I just get so confused when you big strong men start talking, and before I know it the silliest things come out of my mouth....

I do know there are ferocious mosquitos in New Hampshire and Vermont in August, because I've been there in recent years and have been bitten by them.

But I'm sure they have much better taste than to cross the Maine state line from 8/1 -8/31

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 08:44 PM

And Pile, it won't affect you at all.

After all, men are always right.

Posted by: Cassandra at January 23, 2005 08:46 PM

Another satisfied customer
'night all.

Posted by: spd rdr at January 23, 2005 10:14 PM

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