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May 30, 2005

The Unkindest Cut Of All...

Via the BBC (aka the fount of all wisdom and goodness for rude and untutored Yanks) at last our long national nightmare is over. Highly-trained doctors from the UK recently reviewed emergency room admissions and came to some surprising conclusions:

A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said violent crime is on the increase - and kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

They argued many assaults are committed impulsively, prompted by alcohol and drugs [Ed. Note: to say nothing of self-inflicted wounds in which beer was a complicating factor...], and a kitchen knife often makes an all too available weapon.

Faced with these facts, there was only one possible logical conclusion: sharp, pointy kitchen implements are too dangerous to keep around the house. Being British, these dedicated public servants are determined to eliminate this looming threat to our health:

...researchers say legislation to ban the sale of long pointed knives would be a key step in the fight against violent crime.

"We suggest that banning the sale of long pointed knives is a sensible and practical measure that would have this effect."

Well there you have it. There's even a massive longitudinal study to back up their findings:

The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all.

They consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, and found such knives have little practical value in the kitchen.

Of course, the Phrench have been on the cutting edge of knife-control legislation for hundreds of years:

French laws in the 17th century decreed that the tips of table and street knives be ground smooth.

Just think of the kind of world we could be living in, thanks to British ingenuity: a carefree, happy world where women no longer have to worry about onerous duties like this...

Beth, I'll be under that large palm tree on the beach. Your drink is waiting.

Posted by Cassandra at May 30, 2005 07:02 AM

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» You're not going to believe this.... from Media Lies
....but the Europeans, having outlawed guns long ago, have graduated to knife control. Honest to God! [Read More]

Tracked on May 31, 2005 04:31 AM


If this trend of do gooder doctors keep their work up, I'm going to be forced to become man riding unicylce naked, but with a helmet. Once you are forced to wear a helmet, you might as well be required to wear clothes.

Posted by: man riding unicycle naked at May 30, 2005 08:12 AM

Having sliced and diced my fingers, hands, and assorted other body parts while attempting to be head cook and chief wine glass washer, I recommend that the government just ban men from the kitchen entirely...particularly after they've had a few. My last run in with a sharp thing sliced my thumb in two. What was I doing you ask? Why, sharpening the carving knife, of course.

Posted by: spd rdr at May 30, 2005 08:47 AM

Sporks are next!!!

Posted by: Joatmoaf at May 30, 2005 09:02 AM

Frankly I think they need to ban that dreaded rolling pin that has been the bane of Andy Capp's life for the past 40 or so years!!

Posted by: Frodo at May 30, 2005 09:07 AM

This reads like a Monty Python skit.

Spd, if they outlaw drinking men from the kitchen only outlaws will be able to cook, is that what you want?

I would have to do all my cooking too early in the day.

Posted by: Pile OnĀ® at May 30, 2005 09:33 AM

Um, there was *no* alcohol involved in my self-mutilation, it was done stone cold sober! Helk, I'd only been home from work for five minutes... just long enough to grab a knife and start whacking away on myself!

And all these do-gooder idiots have incomplete educations which cause them to do incomplete studies... have they not heard of displacement?

If they succeed, ten years from know we'll be hearing about the need to ban scissors... or, like Joat noted, sporks. Not to mention ball point pens... I can do a *lot* of damage with a ball point pen...

But - there was *no* alcohol involved in my problem... in fact, the only place I see beer in that post and thread are the ones being rubbed in your Valley of the Paradise Apples!

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 30, 2005 10:04 AM

Now here I was trying to make excuses for your sorry Army tuckus and you have to go nuclear on little old moi.


Posted by: Cassandra at May 30, 2005 10:18 AM

HEY! I managed to get through yesterday without cutting myself or blowing anything up!

It was a good day! ;-)

Ah, but we do it again today so there's still time!

Posted by: JarheadDad at May 30, 2005 11:06 AM

These must be the same 'quality control' experts that set the standard for British food.


Posted by: Cricket at May 30, 2005 11:20 AM

Only European socialists would take one good tool [a long sharp, pointy knife] require it be made into two lesser tools [1. a long, sharp but rounded end knife and 2. a short, pointy knife], and then call it progress.

Posted by: KJ at May 30, 2005 12:54 PM

Heh. I just wanted to say "Valley of Paradise Apples!"

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 30, 2005 01:04 PM

Ohhhh, if I have any say in it, it won't be long before documents are banned. yeowwch!

Trust me when I say: I own the trademark, copyright and registration on the "Unkindest Cut Of All"! [JW Bobbitt didn't file for it, so it defaulted to me]

Posted by: Sandy Berger [Dr. docs in da Dockers] at May 30, 2005 01:39 PM

Heh. I just wanted to say "Valley of Paradise Apples!"

You're going to be saying something soon if you don't watch it, howitzer-boy, and "Argghhh!" don't come close to it... you and another snarky someone of the cannon-cocker persuasion...

Posted by: Cassandra at May 30, 2005 02:01 PM

"10 Top British Chefs'" MIGHT come up with a recipe for Road Apples, till then I'll sharpen my Ginsu set.

Welcome back Cass.


Posted by: Greg at May 30, 2005 03:44 PM

Thank you Greg.

Seeing your name made my day. I'm all smiles :)

Posted by: Cassandra at May 30, 2005 04:24 PM

The King of Battle Rulez!

Hee hee hee hee! (High Five with the Big Unit!)

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 30, 2005 08:26 PM

I actually used a sharp pointy object today without injury!

Of course, according to the Ya-Yas, it was the wrong tool, wrong place, wrong time, etc, yadda-yadda-yadda...

No blood was spilled, get over it!

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 31, 2005 11:07 AM

I will have to check your cyber paper cut.

Posted by: Cricket at May 31, 2005 12:22 PM

And, somehow, I'm now chasing rogue vegetables through the garden!

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 31, 2005 03:51 PM

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