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July 29, 2005

The John-Roberts Omnibus Post

toad.jpg I hate to say "I toad you so"... but the Roberts nomination seems to be the comedy gift that just keeps on giving.

Is there a single elected official who has failed to make an ass of himself in what is coming to be the feel-good hit of Washington's silly season?

Senate Democrats and Judiciary Committee minority staffers are miffed that conservative bloggers appear to have more information about Bush Supreme Court nominee John Roberts than they do.

That would be because we can read.

"They've got material out there that we don't know about," whined complained Sen. Edward Kennedy, who's leading an effort to force the White House to turn over any documents it has on Roberts.

While you're at it, why don't you have the Junior Senator from Massachusetts serve a subpoena on the Blogosphere?

Other Democrats said that they believe the White House is providing supportive bloggers with information that paints Roberts only in a positive light. Kennedy, speaking to reporters last Friday, said that he was unaware of the prolific GOP blogging on behalf of Roberts until his wife pointed it out.

So... it's perfectly kosher for your wife to give you career advice, but *not* OK for Miz Roberts to have her own opinions? Got it.

First there was the pitiful shrieking because The Shrub had failed to nominate a Persun of Estrogen to replace the now-beatified Sandra Day O'Connor, a single strand of whose silvery hair is now enshrined in imperishable crystal at the ACLU as a silent witness to the power of enlightened progressyve conservatism, whatever that is. Miracles have been said to occur at the mere touch of the sacred relic. We'll keep ya posted.

There seems no end to the vile and shocking revelations about this extremist candidate:

As soon as the nomination was announced, alert SCOTUS clerks revealed that the dread Pirate Roberts was actually the head of the super-secret Constitution-in-Exile movement and accused him of waving the bloody shirt of Lochnerism. Thus was the Republic saved for another day.

Then the various sartorial excesses of the Roberts progeny and their paterfamilias were mined for deeper psycho-sexual meaning: BoogieGate, EasterEggGate, and PlaidGate followed in dizzying succession, much to the WaPo's delight.

Then the Accidental Candidate's Specie-ist tendencies were revealed in all their hideous majesty.

There was ToadGate....


Even the lowly French Fry suddenly seemed sinister and shadowy when connected with this out-of-the-mainstream, extremist nominee:


You'd have thought the DNC MemeWagon would have begun to run out of gas at this point. But you'd have been wrong. Traveshamockery piled upon traveshamockery. His personal beliefs were highly suspect:

Roberts was found to be a follower of a secretive, non-mainstream cult, a clear violation of Article VI of the US Constitution.

And inquiring minds wanted to know: was he, or was he not a member of the Federalist Society - that haven of conservative thought? The thought I'd like answered at the confirmation hearings: if there's no bias in academia, why does on earth does conservative thought need a haven? Only Roberts' hairdresser knows for sure. Hopefully he can also answer a few questions about those plaid pants.

And then the Final Agony... we found the Pill That Just Could Not Be Swallowed:

...while a member of the White House Counsel office, and still in his 20’s, Roberts misspelled the word "Havana." And not once, but three times! He spelled it "Havanna" in each case, and if the Times had not looked through thousands of files in the Reagan Presidential Library, Roberts might have gotten away with it.

Even worse: when writing about the rights of Cuban refugees from the Mariel boatlift of 1980, he misspelled Marielitos. The poor fool actually wrote "Marielitoes," and what’s more, notes the Times, he did so "repeatedly."

What would happen if such a man were actually permitted to join our highest court. I mean, today we have Honduran refugees! The mind reels at what this dolt would do to "Tegucigalpa."

Oh, and by the way did we mention he really, really hates black people? (via Rick Hasen). Just thought I'd throw that one into the mix. Fisking it will have to wait until my customary blood-alcohol level (or my sense of humor) has been restored.

Posted by Cassandra at July 29, 2005 02:58 PM

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Helk, I lived in Honduras for almost a year in the mid 80's...and wished they'd changed the capitol to San Pedro de Sul.....so's it'd be easier to spell.

And what of the Roberts' parental sartorial sense?The kids looked like "Easter eggs"!!!What's up wit dat?

And isn't the Federalist Society just a version of the KKK?Really, a bunch of rich white boyz trying to preserve the status quo?

I think Sen.Kennedy (D-Chivas Regal) is on to something here----full "accountabi@#$$^$%(%_$*$&^^" sheesh, I can't seem to make my computer put Kennedy and accountability in the same sentence


Posted by: Greg at July 29, 2005 07:58 PM

what else are Democrats good for except hating America and comic relief?

Posted by: William Teach [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 29, 2005 08:25 PM

He misspelled 'Havana?' And they went LOOKING FOR IT?' How annal.

Posted by: Cricket at July 30, 2005 02:32 PM

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