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July 20, 2005

This Just In...

fruitbat.jpg As I was exploring the masticatatory wonders of my leftover KungPao Chicken Delight, I happened to turn on the telly and learned to my horror that Judge Roberts, in addition to oppressing the Endangered Southwestern Toad, may also have been responsible for the tragic decline of another noble species of American fauna:

You've probably all seen pictures of these delinquent young bats on TV, hanging from the ceilings of deserted bullpens all over America. In their bleary ganga-reddened eyes and Cheeto-dusted little mouths, you can see the desperation of these once-proud denizens of the night.

You may have glimpsed the "gang-sign" they use to mark their territory - a territory that is rapidly vanishing due to the irresponsible human-centric platform and disastrous economic policies of the Bush administration. Without your help, future generations may have to go to a museum to see a MidWestern Corked bat.

But you can make a difference. For a small donation of $180 - just 50 cents a day - you can change the life of a young MidWestern Corked Bat. We'll even send you a picture of your sponsored Bat that you can post on your refrigerator to remind you of money well spent.

We don't all get to make a difference in this world. You've probably considered contributing before, but it's easy to make excuses like, 'I'm too busy', or "I'm just one Frenchman - there is no "we" - there is only "I". What is the point of even trying in an Existentialist universe without a Supreme Being? Where are my cigarettes?"

That's why I'm asking you to call today - 1-800-BAT-RSCU - Again, that's 1-800-BAT-RSCU.

You owe it to your children to preserve this fine specimen of nature's glory. Remember the BatsRUs slogan:

"A small donation today will help ensure that the Corked Bat will produce mildly hallucinogenic guano for generations to come."

I ask you, fellow Americans: who will stand with me against this monster?

Posted by Cassandra at July 20, 2005 01:18 PM

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At last, a real cause I can contribute to, although I have this funny feeling that somewhere within my Federal Tax deduction, I already am.
No matter, enough is never enough in this cause.
You know, I have to thank you, I hadn't realized that the Corked Bat was in such desperate straits. I mean, who would ever want to lose these little fellas.
Count me in, I'm heading for my phone.
Thank you Cassandra, you All-American Woman, you.

Posted by: Paul Malingowski at July 20, 2005 01:38 PM

You mean you didn't check that little box on your federal tax return?


Posted by: Cassandra at July 20, 2005 01:46 PM

Those poor, little corked bats, extinct except for museums! Does Sammy Sosa know about this??

Posted by: JannyMae at July 20, 2005 02:02 PM

One day, museums will contain only trees, corked bats, and Howard Dean supporters.

Quite funny Cass.

Posted by: KJ at July 20, 2005 03:04 PM

This just never gets old.

I say we all get corked.

Posted by: Pile On at July 20, 2005 03:35 PM

Actually it just never goes away, does it Pile??? :)

Posted by: Bush Ate My Soul... at July 20, 2005 03:38 PM

Why don't we all get Corked and Screw?


Posted by: John Lennon at July 20, 2005 03:38 PM

Are the corked bats nude?

Posted by: JannyMae at July 20, 2005 04:00 PM

Are the corked bats nude?

Corr, blimey but you Yank birds have dirty minds, eh? Fancy a shag?

Posted by: Endangered West End Corked Bat at July 20, 2005 04:16 PM

First the toads and now the bats. I sense a conspiracy here.

Posted by: Cricket at July 20, 2005 08:07 PM

There needs to be a moon somewhere in that picture.

Posted by: William Teach [TypeKey Profile Page] at July 21, 2005 10:46 AM

Are the corked bats nude?

Corr, blimey but you Yank birds have dirty minds, eh? Fancy a shag?

Oh, sorry, what with my hormones sashaying back and forth between, "throbbing sex kitten," and, "juicy crone," I kinda lost control there for a minute....just a moment, while this hot flash passes...something about the desert in July!!!!

Okay, now I can't vouch for John Lennon--wait a second, isn't he dead? Did somebody say, "moon?"

Posted by: JannyMae at July 21, 2005 03:44 PM

They were talking about Keith Moon.

Posted by: Attila Girl at August 11, 2005 03:57 PM

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