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August 04, 2005

Dumb-Ass Question Contest

Howard Bashman of How Appealing had an absolutely brilliant idea last week for a contest: identify the most dumb-ass question that could possibly be asked of U.S. Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts, Jr. at his upcoming confirmation hearings.

Well, despite the fact that I was just pea-green with jealousy because I did not come up with the idea myself, I decided to be a good sport and play along. Sadly, I did not win. Top honors went to an anonymous reader from Philadelphia:

Justice- Pardon me, Judge Robert, I mean Roberts:

If you were Chief Justice of the Supreme Court along with John Souter, Terrence Thomas, Anthony Scalia, Nino Kennedy, Ruth Day O'Ginsberg, John Paul Jones, William Brennan, and your former boss Bill Rehnquist, and a case involving abortion and capital punishment came before you on an appeal from a panel upon which you sat, and you believed you would be committing a mortal sin by hearing the case but not deciding it, and you'd gone duck-hunting with counsel for appellants but the Founders and the French would agree with the other side, would you recuse yourself if your wife had signed but not been involved with drafting of one of the amicus briefs?

Well fine [sniff!] I admit he/she had me beaten fair and square...

toad.jpg But I got 1st runner up!!! Mr. Bashman probably took pity on me after being pestered by one too many emails (actually I think I only sent 2 or 3 - I can't remember). You will no doubt be surprised to learn that my entry featured the Hapless Toad:

Regarding your extremist and highly controversial decisions in Rancho Viejo v. Norton and Hedgepeth v. WMATA, the American people have a right to know:
If an endangered pregnant Southwestern arroyo toad were arrested for eating a single French Fry on the DC Metro while en route to obtain an illegal third trimester abortion, would your Catholic beliefs force you to recuse yourself from the case? Furthermore, would the fetus qualify as a protected class under the 14th Amendment, or would you apply rational basis review as you did in Hedgepeth, thereby condemning the hapless toad to a lengthy stay in the DC detention center and depriving the mother of the right to control her reproductive destiny?

There were several other very funny entries in the Honorable Mentions - go check them out.

And if you want to try your hand in the comments section, have at it! I could have gone on forever, but was afraid Mr. Bashman would have my IP banned....

What a hoot.

Posted by Cassandra at August 4, 2005 12:07 PM

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When are going to go to Law School and become a lawyer?
You know you want to do it, so just DO IT! You're not too old, and it's not too late in your life, so just get on with it!

Posted by: David at August 4, 2005 12:35 PM


Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 12:55 PM

I am dizzy.

Posted by: Cricket at August 4, 2005 03:29 PM

How do you feel that your ability to support the Constitution will be affected by your collegues' ability to legislate from the bench as in Kelo v New London?

Posted by: Cricket at August 4, 2005 03:32 PM

"How do you spell "Marielitoes", Judge Roberts?

No peeking.

Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 03:44 PM

Judge Roberts, regarding the attire of your family on the evening of President Bush's announcement, do you feel your family looked most like three Easter eggs, three Neccos, or three Jelly Bellies?

Posted by: MathMom at August 4, 2005 04:04 PM

Judge Roberts, what is the strangest place you and Mrs. Roberts have ever made whoopie?

Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 04:07 PM

From Nancy Pelosi:

"Ooooh! Judge Roberts! If we went out on a date and I were to [giggle!] end up with a bun in the oven, would you use your quaint Catholic beliefs to try and persuade me not to exercise my Constitutional right to control my reproductive destiny?"

Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 04:10 PM

Cassandra: it was me, I admit it; see my blawg for details. And it's "he," and thank you for your gracious words.

Also, the answer to that last question you posed should be "That'd be in the butt, Bob."

Also, nice blog! And yes, by all means, go to law school. It may make you a big dork like me, but you've already got a sense of humor.

Posted by: Eh Nonymous [TypeKey Profile Page] at August 4, 2005 04:13 PM


As much as I would dearly love to go to law school, I fear I am a Bear of Very Little Brain. I will definitely check out your site after work :)

Thanks for visiting - come back anytime.

Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 04:36 PM

Judge Roberts, since the Arroyo toad has been brought up, let's stay with the environmental theme.

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow and would the thrust/weight ratio be enough to carry a coconut from Africa all the way to Brittain or would two swallows have to work together to manage it. Additional, if said sparrow(s) were successful and then tried to carry a coconut between state lines how would you interpret the commerce clause and would using the international precedent from the Africa-Brittain Case be justified?

Posted by: Masked MenaceĀ© at August 4, 2005 05:28 PM

Oh Lord... if we're going to bring Monty Python into it, this could get really ugly...

Judge Roberts:

We have five very simple questions for you:

Question 1

Question 2

Question 3

Question 4

Question 5

Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 05:52 PM

Judge Roberts:

I assume you are aware that if you take your age: 50, divide that by the numbah of steps in front of the Soo-preme Court, 10, you will de-rive the number 5. Add to that the number 14 for that great Amendment which you so casually tossed to the winds in Hedgepeth v. WMATA and the result is NINETEEN: THE AVERAGE AGE OF THE BLACK MAN IN VIETNAM.

NINETEEN. The signifigance of that number is not lost on this brother.

What have you to say for yourself, sir?

Posted by: Rep. Charles Rangel at August 4, 2005 06:32 PM

You guys are good, but wait till September, amateurs.

Posted by: Paul of York at August 4, 2005 07:29 PM


I live in the DC area. How do you know I don't work for the Senate?


Posted by: Cassandra at August 4, 2005 08:08 PM

Judge Roberts, Ferris and Julia job around a circular track that is 500 meters long. Julia's rate is 250 meters per minute, while Ferris's rate is only 230 meters per minute. How far will Julia have jogged by the time you are confirmed? Feel free to give your answer in yards, if you are not comfortable with metric measurements.

Posted by: MathMom at August 5, 2005 07:12 AM

...er, jog.

Posted by: MathMom at August 5, 2005 07:14 AM

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