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September 14, 2005

Abandon All Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here...

Yesterday I got an email that made me see the Roberts confirmation hearings in an entirely different light. The hearings were so surreal and farcical that the whole thing really could have been drawn from the Princess Bride. Anyway, MathMom sent:

One thing about [Biden] is good - when he is bloviating and preening and talking about himself before he starts his questions, at least for those moments he is not dangerous. But then he starts, and hoo-EEE. It reminded me of this exchange:

[while engaging in a "battle of wits"]

Westley (Roberts): You've made your decision, then?

Vizzini (Biden): Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Westley: (Roberts, snidely) Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: (Biden) Wait till I get GOING!

Vizzini: (Biden) ... Where was I?

Watching Biden strut and posture was almost enough to make me blow a gasket. Can you imagine what Roberts was thinking?


Biden: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

roberts.gifRoberts: [thinking to himself: "Ooooh... I'm scared, Mommy"]

(Out loud) You're that smart?

Biden: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Roberts: Yes.

Biden: Morons...


[dead silence]

Roberts: So I'm here till I die?

Biden: [nods enthusiastically]

Roberts: So... it's to be torture?

Biden: [nods enthusiastically]

Roberts: I can cope with torture.

Biden: Don't even think about trying to escape.

That poor man. Seven hours.

I think Dante's Nine Circles of Hell have just been redefined for all time. It must have something to do with having to try to explain lawyer jokes to Dianne Fiiiiiiiiiiiinestein.

John Roberts

Posted by Cassandra at September 14, 2005 09:05 AM

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Great post, Cass!

All I can say, with reference to Biden, is: Where is the iocaine when you really need it?

Posted by: MathMom at September 14, 2005 11:46 AM

Well, I had a much funnier one yesterday, but I'm not feeling very funny today for some reason. I wiped it out by accident as I was switching back and forth between screens and just decided to bag it, and then couldn't remember half of the stupid jokes because I was too tired...

Posted by: Cassandra at September 14, 2005 11:55 AM

Yes, Biden has a dizzying intellect, not for the faint of heart. His reasoning is phallacious.

I caught snippets here and there, and on the radidio (must have the redneck spelling in there) even the deejays were slamming the Left...calling the confirmation process a 'Borking.'

Yes, it is ugly, but that is because the Dems have so much to lose. Isn't the Supreme Court the only place they have a majority in?

And they ain't gonna play nice.

Posted by: Cricket at September 14, 2005 12:58 PM

Lots of irony! That Dana Milbank piece was amusing, but the, "John Roberts," link didn't work for me....???

Posted by: JannyMae at September 14, 2005 01:49 PM

It's a long story. It's not anything exciting:

These dillholes are trying to win the "war of ideas" by gaming the Technorati system:


Cheating via Techno-geekery: the last refuge of the intellectually bankrupt. I was soliticed to Fight the Power and gave in in a weak moment.

Posted by: Cassandra at September 14, 2005 01:55 PM

Fish got to swim, birds got to fly,
I got to love one man till I die.
Can't help lovin' dat man of mine.

Tell me he's lazy, tell me he's slow,
Tell me I'm crazy, (maybe I know).
Can't help lovin' dat man of mine.

Oh listen sister,
I love my mister man,
And I can't tell you' why
Dere ain't no reason
Why I should love dat man,
It mus' be sumpin dat de angels done plan.

When he goes away,
Dat's a rainy day,
And when he comes back dat day is fine,
De sun will shine!
He kin come home as late as can be,
Home without him ain't no home to me,
Can't help lovin' dat man of mine.

De chimney's smokin'
De roof is leakin' in,
But he don't seem to care.
Dere ain't no reason why I should love dat man.

And why do you love that man?

It mus' be sumpin' dat de angels done plan.

Posted by: Liberal Larry at September 14, 2005 03:03 PM

You are insane :)

Posted by: Cassandra at September 14, 2005 03:18 PM


Oops. I didn't mean to land on him.

Posted by: Cricket at September 14, 2005 03:25 PM

Read your Don Corleone post. Correct me if I am wrong, but don't the Supremes do what they want to anyway? Does that mean the old days are still here?

That should also mean that Roberts can legislate his feelings instead of interpreting the law. Glad to know that was cleared up. I was losing sleep over that.

Go rest, recreate and come back all Bushy tailed.

Posted by: Cricket at September 14, 2005 04:28 PM

Have some fun Cass, I know all about the funks the last couple of weeks. We'll see ya in a few.

Posted by: Masked Menace© at September 14, 2005 04:52 PM

WHITE SOTUS -- Jefferson Hairplane

One question makes you larger
And one question makes you small
And the ones that Specter asks you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Feinstein
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing precedents
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a bourbon drinking Senator
Has given you the call
Call Feinstein
When she was just small

When men in the Senate
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of hearing
And C-SPAN is moving low
Go ask Feinstein
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the Kennedy is talking backwards
And the Biden says "off with his head!"
Remember what the doormouse said:
"Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head"

Adieu, adieu, Cassandra, too.

See you in the funny papers.

Posted by: David at September 14, 2005 04:57 PM

I hate you for making me laugh when I'm trying to be miserable. Go away, you horrid man... :)

Posted by: Cassandra at September 14, 2005 05:11 PM


Exquisite "Princess Bride" rip on Bobble-Head Biden. Would he get it? Inconceivable!

(Revising a hilarious scene from "The Court Jester")

BIDEN (As the sub-intelligent Sir Giacomo):

Judge Roberts, you're saying your real Roe v. Wade views are in one of those two containers, and the other has poison in it?

ROBERTS (As the clever witch-enchantress):

Yes, Senator.


Well, which is which?


It's quite simple--the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle...but the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.


Wha'? The pellet from the palace..has...has...um...the pestle with the poison?


No, Senator, just rhyme the words--the pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle...but the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.


Um, the chalice with the poison...has...um...the vessel with the brew? Am I right?


Sigh (Thought bubble: So many Demo morons, so little time....)

[Later in the hearing]


Wait! I've got it! The pellet with the poison is in the vessel with the pestle...but the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true!! [Preening]


I'm sorry, Senator, but they broke the chalice from the palace. So now the flagon with the dragon has the pellet with the poison, and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.


Huh? Wha' wuzzat? Can somebody help me out here?


(Muttering incoherently) Hic!


I'm heading for Hungary.


[Bleep] the poison! Robertus delenda est!

Posted by: The Great Santini at September 14, 2005 06:53 PM

Why oh why oh why?

I feel something AA Milne-ish coming on.
Time to talk to Eeyore.

Posted by: Cricket at September 14, 2005 07:08 PM

...it's all just too confusing for this Pooh Bear...

Posted by: Neffi at September 14, 2005 07:29 PM

Biden: What's your position on Roe versus Wade?

Roberts: Frankly, in my humble opinion, so long as people got out of New Orleans safely...they could exercise either option.

Posted by: camojack at September 15, 2005 03:44 AM


Why do I always come here before I get the blog reading supplies?

Posted by: Cricket at September 15, 2005 08:17 AM

I like the part at the end of the hearings where Biden leans over to Leahy and says, "He didn't choke?? Inconceivable!" And Leahy says, "You keep you using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Posted by: Sloan at September 16, 2005 04:58 PM

...we could spring Roberts from this. If we only had a wheelbarrow and a Holocaust Cloak.

(Oh wait. Andre the Giant is dead. Dammit.)

Posted by: Patrick Chester [TypeKey Profile Page] at September 16, 2005 11:47 PM

"Oh wait. Andre the Giant is dead."

Of course he is, man...use your head!


Posted by: Sloan at September 17, 2005 03:33 AM

Just more proof that the new CJSCOTUS nominee truly is the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Posted by: Bubblehead at September 18, 2005 09:18 AM

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