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January 30, 2006

Let The Snark Begin...

Lord help me... I tried my best. I really did. And owing to the best of intentions, I managed to high-mindedly abjure all mention of this little story all last week:

A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't.

"If there's no television in the bedroom, the frequency (of sexual intercourse) doubles," said Serenella Salomoni whose team of psychologists questioned 523 Italian couples to see what effect television had on their sex lives.

On average, Italians who live without TV in the bedroom have sex twice a week, or eight times a month. This drops to an average of four times a month for those with a TV, the study found.

For the over-50s the effect is even more marked, with the average of seven couplings a month falling to just 1.5 times.

Sadly, a certain Colorado Cat who shall remain nameless started lobbing snark via email and the temptation finally proved to be too much for me to resist:

Newsmax just came out with the same story. Here's a little typo in it that I found amusing. (So sex before making a speech [is relaxing], but evidently writing about it must leave one flustered to the point of mistakes! ha!)

"Brody found that the volunteers who had sexual intercourse were the least stressed and had blood pressure levels that returned to normal most quickly. People who engaged in other types of sex tended to experience a bit more sex.

".....oh Really???....... ........ (Isn't that suppose to be "stress"?)

All of this got my wayward mind travelling down the primrose path of snarkasm and advice on how to get shagged - most of which is irredeemibly bad, like this gem; somewhat misleading titled The Truth About Foreplay:

If a woman tells you she needs a lot of foreplay, she's really telling you she's not hot for you. She should be excited just from talking to you. She should be ripping off YOUR clothes. Trust me, it's true. If this is not happening, you don't excite her very much. Maybe your money excites her, but you don't.

Ummmm.... no. Here is a man who has never asked himself why animals play at all, or more importantly, why smarter animals play more than less intelligent ones:

Research shows that smarter animals spend more time playing. Elephants play more than horses. Chimps play more than macaques. Wolves play more than rabbits. And parrots play more than either ducks or sparrows. Smarter animals also play in more creative and complex ways. Not surprisingly, humans and chimpanzees are among the most playful species.

Besides preparing for their specific adult roles, animals at play may be "training for the unexpected," as Marc Bekoff puts it. In play, animals learn about the world around them and their own physical limits. The need to test those limits, and experience unpredictable situations, could explain why animals sometimes seem to enjoy play that is somewhat dangerous.

...All play is based on trust and requires cooperation. Marc Bekoff says, "Cheaters are not tolerated in play. If an animal cheats a lot, he'll have trouble getting other animals to play with him." Animal play has rules. When one animal invites another to play-and the other agrees-they're making a pact that says: "If you'll play with me, I'll play with you. I won't hurt you. I won't bite you around your eyes. I won't body-slam you too hard. I won't try to dominate you." Play signals are clear. If an animal breaks that pact, he'll have trouble finding playmates. Because play is so important, an animal that doesn't get to play may not survive.

Play is what raises sex out of the realm of the repetitive and mundane and into the sublime, and a man who's unwilling to put the time in to become good at it isn't sending forth very good signals about what he's willing to contribute to a relationship.

Interestingly enough, though European men considered looks the most important attribute in a mate, American men and women both rated a sense of humor as the quality they most desired. If violence (especially TV violence) is inimical to the sex drive, humor and a sense of play, I think, are essential elements to a healthy love life. Americans, I think, understand this.

But then so do our cousins across the pond. I found this mildly profane advice column rather amusing (you've been warned). It is entitled The Lost Art of Seduction, and begins:

ANYONE who knows me would tell you I am something of a ladies man. I have made love to hundreds of beautiful and often famous women. The fact that none of them knows about it, or were physically present at the time, is neither here nor there....

FOREPLAY

I am no expert at foreplay. I am, however, a master at stroking cats into a state of ecstasy, and a woman shouldn't be too different. If your bird is anything like my cat, the following manouevres are guaranteed to get her really frothed up:

Run your hand along her spine
Scratch her ears
Tickle her under her chin
Push her on her back, take hold of her feet and move her legs up and down like levers
Poke her repeatedly in the belly with one finger while going, "You love it, don't you, you big fat furry f**ker," (or some more appropriate endearment)

....and my all-time favorite, which pretty much destroyed me:

C****LINGUS
I have been unable to find out anything about this. I was game, but the cat took off in a hurry.

Is there anything sexier than a shared sense of fun? Your thoughts?

Posted by Cassandra at January 30, 2006 12:16 PM

Comments

The Play's the thing.

Posted by: spd rdr [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 01:13 PM

How catty-he told all!

According to George Hamilton, no gentleman ever reveals his lovemaking or tanning secrets. Which would explain why he looks like a leather toy.

Now, about moi, well, I had a wonderful weekend, with mutual agreement for it to continue.

heh.

Posted by: Crckt [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 01:21 PM

*looks around for 10 foot pole*

*not finding one, MM walks away*

Posted by: Masked MenaceĀ© [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 04:31 PM

The Play's the thing...

...wherein I'll catch the conscience of ???

OK, what have you done now?

And Cricket? With George Hamilton? Now I *am* shocked and appalled...

*running away*

And not finding a 10-foot pole with which to fend off that last comment, I believe I'll be on my way as well.

[dusting off hands]

Posted by: Cassandra [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 04:43 PM

Ah, yes....Cass just HAD to have some company to drag down to the gutter with her, eh? Real nice, chick! (~;)

Ya know....I mildly resent the other cat comments and references in the Lost Art Of Foreplay story. I never Lost Art...I don't even know him....and I did NOT have sexual relations with that man... Mr. Kelly. May he, like Navin Johnson (The Jerk), discover his "special purpose" with another.

So, like the Italian sexologists study is telling us:
"Not 'nuff nookie with Nick at Night"?

I don't think my abstinence "problem" is having a TV in my bedroom. It's more what I don't have in my bedroom. *slinks away*

"If an animal cheats a lot, he'll have trouble getting other animals to play with him.""

I can't tell you, while we were all sitting around the table, how many times my dog and cat have gotten into a fight when one of them knocks a Scrabble letter off of the table--on purpose!

It's good to be Mother Superior (at my Colorado convent), I don't have anyone else to answer to regarding the majority of my comments contained herein! (~;)

OH! OH!..one more thing. Something my brother told me:

Q: What do the Japanese call pantyhose?

A: No Nookie Sockie........

OK...I'm leaving now, please stop wasting those rotten eggs and tomatoes on me.........

Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 06:38 PM

[groan] :D

Sorry - I couldn't resist. I was short of time this morning and couldn't get excited about anything else. Plus, that was just plain funny - you have always been so clever with plays on words, Cat :)

Posted by: Cassandra [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 06:54 PM

"Sorry - I couldn't resist. I was short of time this morning and couldn't get excited about anything else" And where would you like me to begin disecting THAT statement, Cass?? Hmmm...???? You could't resist whatever that was that was to "blame" for you being short of time this morning????..........that THING that was evidently your sole source of excitement, since you "couldn't get excited about ANYTHING ELSE"...??? Hmmm.......?? You musta got an EARLY start this morning, Miss Thing! I know the "Other than" of the "anything else" has to leave for work vewy, vewy early in the morning....... Should I break that down even a little further-- into more plain Engrish, Miss Thang? [OK...that's just my horribly feeble way attempt at "pay back"] One of the hardest things about being as pure as the driven snow is people are ALWAYS trying to *throw dirt on you* in an effort to sully your reputation. Oh, and I only expected a "groan" response to the joke. I'd have been so disappointed otherwise. (~;

Oh!...Gotta go!...it's game time at the convent. After a spirited game of Chutes & Ladders We're playing the Barbie game. I sure hope I don't end up with Poindexter AGAIN tonite. In my book, he's more like Disappointdexter.

Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 07:24 PM

Hey! I broke it down into more paragraphs than that up there! Harumph!

Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 07:25 PM

So.

If I got rid of the tv in the living room there might be more action there too?

Does screen size matter?

Posted by: Pile On [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 09:06 PM

Cat has me afraid to say anything, Pile.

I'm running for cover.

Posted by: Cassandra [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 09:40 PM

Afraid of a little cat?

**ouch** I just bit my tongue.

Posted by: Pile On [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 09:52 PM

"Cat has me afraid to say anything, Pile."

Awww....come on, Cass! I'm playing nicely. No claws were extended in the making of my comments! (~;)

Just to show you how naive I am....it wasn't until reading about this Italian study that I realized why there's a TV turned to the FOX Channel on at the DMV, in the elevator of the Towers downtown and why there's TV sets on at Sports Bars!!....DUH!!! Without one, the sexual tension at the DMV, on any given day, is downright palpable!

And Pile, why would screen size matter? Why bother with a screen at all? That screens as birth control thing doesn't hold water.

Posted by: Rocky Mtn. Lioness [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 30, 2006 10:43 PM

I think this is where I'm supposed to mention what a cunning linguist I am...or used to be, at any rate.

Posted by: camojack [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 31, 2006 05:16 AM

I think, camojack, that last comment was the blogospheric equivalent to invoking cloture.

Posted by: TigerHawk [TypeKey Profile Page] at January 31, 2006 01:06 PM

TigerHawk:
So let it be written; so let it be done...

Posted by: camojack [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 1, 2006 12:25 AM

In addition to being far too clever, you all are ridiculous.

Thanks for making me laugh - it was sorely needed :)

Posted by: Cassandra [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 1, 2006 07:46 AM

Screen size is helpful, but resolution is most important.

Posted by: KJ [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 1, 2006 11:45 AM

Disney's animated er0tick child-safe video from the
Lion King, wherein Nala and Simba romp in the land of Hakunah Ma-Ta-Ta while feeling the Love Tonight.

And no, I never had sexual relations with George Hamilton. After seeing Zorro the Gay Blade, it was somewhat off putting.

Posted by: Crckt [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 2, 2006 09:58 AM

Well, if screen size is unimportant, and resolution is most important, I think then, the question should be asked, "who controls the ten foot remote?"

Posted by: Crckt [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 2, 2006 10:00 AM

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