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June 11, 2006

Feeling Good All Under

Boxers, or briefs? Is thong underwear a device of Satan or manna from Heaven? How do you find the Perfect Bra? These and other weighty questions have been occupying the otherwise-idle mind of the half-vast editorial staff this Sunday morning. You may wonder what set us off?

It's come to my attention that there are some men out there—even a few friends of mine—who've not yet switched to boxer briefs. These are otherwise intelligent fellows who, either through ignorance or recalcitrance, begin each day by pulling on (shudder) traditional boxers or (double-shudder) briefs. I feel great pity for these men. Because the irrefutable truth is that boxer briefs—a knit, mid-thigh-length compromise between boxer and brief—are the ultimate male netherwear. The sooner you accept this, the happier your crotch will be.

AG92zz.jpg O-kay. That may have been more information than we truly needed on this important subject.

The HVES admit to a sneaking fondness for boxer briefs, but we're something of a purist in that regard. A subdued black, grey, or even white are fine, but no one wants to see psychadelic parrot-wing green on their favorite manly-man. And button-fly boxer briefs, which we are earnestly trying to forget we ever saw this morning, are just plain idiotic.

V05L1.jpg The underwear world, which one might suppose to be the last bastion of personal choice, a veritable haven of Tolerance and respect for Diversity, is in reality a seething hotbed of controversy. Men have the immortal boxers-vs-briefs debate.

For women, life gets even more complex. Wear a bra, or go braless? Thongs, bikinis, tangas, or the classic full-coverage cotton panty? And what about sports bras, which some women love but others (yours truly included) deplore for their tendency to smash your liquid assets into a flat, unappealling Uni-Boob?

After a lifetime of being more or less indifferent on subject of u-trau, the HVES recently became a big fan of beautiful lingerie. But there are limits, even to our newfound addiction. We cannot, for instance, quite bring ourselves (despite our appreciation for a well-made garment and the undeniable aesthetic appeal of French lace) to spend $140 on a single brassiere (at least just yet), much less the up to $2500 versions peddled to women with more money than sense.

Somehow we think the growing prevalence of pricey designer u-trau makes an ironic counterpoint to ubiquitous anecdotes about the growing numbers of the vanishing American middle class who've had to sell off their first-born children to afford a tank of gas. Who buys this stuff? Does the average American really sit around, thinking, "Should I pay the mortgage this month, or buy that divine La Perla tanga-and-demibra set?"

But the real burning question in our minds is this: how many of the men who extol the many splendors of thong underwear actually wear it themselves?

We thought so.

Posted by Cassandra at June 11, 2006 08:04 AM


Thong underwear. Oogie and uncomfortable.

Posted by: Cricket at June 11, 2006 10:37 AM

Thong underwear. Butt floss.

Posted by: MathMom at June 11, 2006 11:13 AM

I have considered the boxer brief and rejected it. I wear the traditional boxer because of 1)the freedom of movement and because 2)I don't want the sensation of something snug and clingy on my tingly bulbous parts and 3)because my Dad did, by God, and if it was good enough for Pops, then who am I to go all GQ with the skivvies?

I will also wear traditional briefs if I'm going to be riding a bicycle or some other outdoor activity and want some minimal level of reining in the horses.

However, I feel women should wear thongs and push-up bras because I'm sure you all want to feel pretty for us menfolk, right?

Posted by: Barry at June 11, 2006 03:53 PM

Banana Hammock? No thanks, I'm Irish.

Posted by: Dan at June 11, 2006 07:39 PM

I enjoy boxer briefs. What a utilitarian name. Nothing matches the names they give women's underwear, though. Victoria's Secret just came out with the Bra named "Secret Embrace" for about $50. That name probably wouldn't work for most men's underwear for obvious reasons. It would have to be "Nut Bag" or some other industrial nomenclature.

Because we are "MEN, by GOD!, Manly Men!"

Posted by: vet66 at June 11, 2006 08:01 PM

I concur with the first two ladies, on the thong underwear. However, you state (for women), "Wear a bra, or go braless." For some of us, the question is, "Wear a bra, or give yourself a black eye, running up a flight of stairs."


Posted by: JannyMae at June 11, 2006 08:10 PM

Boxers. Hanes 'Classics' Boxers. Any color. NOT White, I'm not a priest. NOT taper cut, I'm not some euro-prettyboy. NOT Print, I'm not (shudder).
Just normal, regular guy, underwear. Nothing special. ABSOLUTELY NOT SPECIAL. Regular cut boxers in a solid color. I like blue, but any color at all. I'm not picky.

Posted by: Sonar at June 12, 2006 12:27 AM

But the real burning question in our minds is this: how many of the men who extol the many splendors of thong underwear actually wear it themselves?

Thongs are for displaying the derrierre, and frankly, yall's look better than ours. :©)

Posted by: Masked Menace© at June 12, 2006 12:47 PM

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