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October 28, 2006
Talk Dirty To Me Game
Oh, this is too funny. Slate Mag has a contest I would kill to have thought of: match the p0rn to the politician who wrote it. Not since Babs Boxer's last novel has such a target-rich environment for snark presented itself.
The candidates:
A. Barbara Boxer, Senator, D–Calif.
B. William F. Buckley, former candidate for mayor of New York City
C. Jimmy Carter, former President
D. Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney
E. Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
F. William Cohen, former Secretary of Defense, and Gary Hart, former Senator, D–Colo.
G. Susan Combs, Republican candidate for Texas comptroller
H. Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House, R–Ga.
I. I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby Jr., former Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney
J. Joseph Nye, former Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security
K. Kenneth Starr, former Independent Counsel
L. William Weld, former Governor of Massachusetts
M. Jim Webb, Democratic candidate for Virginia Senate seat
And The Naughty Bits:1. "Suddenly the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress. She rolled onto him and somehow was sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. 'Tell me, or I will make you do terrible things,' she hissed." Newt Gingrich, guessed by chris, and Beth of MyVRWC
2. "She was overwhelmed with a desire to nurture her husband. She soon bared her breast and held him close against it, and he responded eagerly to this unprecedented intimacy."
3. "She romped on top of Simolzak's huge frame, straddling him with her hands on his chest, her back arched and her breasts flailing wildly in the air. Her back was to him and her long hair swung from side to side as if accentuating the abandonment of her screams."
4. "I set the edge of my teeth halfway up her breast, just at the point of tension but not, so far as I could tell, of pain. This was the sweetest flesh I had ever tasted, including fish and fowl."
5. "After dinner, they went dancing at Charlie's Jazz. Elaine felt detached from herself, floating in Tom's arms. The hell with [CIA director] Trevor, she thought. And when Tom pulled her close to him, she knew that for tonight at least, it would be just plain Tom and Elaine. Later, back at her house, they made love. It was fierce, two rivers of energy rushing together, gloriously, powerfully. No words were needed."
6. "The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve crossing a dark cathedral stage—no, Eve and Eve, loving one another as they would not be able to once they ate of the fruit and knew themselves as they truly were." Lynne Cheney, guessed by MathMom
7. "He held her breasts in his hands. Oddly, he thought, the lower one might be larger. ... One of her breasts now hung loosely in his hand near his face and he knew not how best to touch her."
8. "The woman came down the stairs and they met midway. He took both her hands in his and smiled affectionately; she, standing one step above him, bent forward and kissed him. It was an amiable, though formal, salutation." Winston Churchill, guessed by Beth of My VRWC
9. "The President fondled and kissed her bare breasts. He touched her genitals, both through her underwear and directly, bringing her to orgasm on two occasions. On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina." Kenneth Starr, guessed by Miss Ladybug
10. "I kissed her breasts and ran my hand between her thighs. She gripped my shoulders tightly. Unlike the first time I made love to Alexa, when the ecstasy had been eroded by a sense of anxiety and uncertainty, I was sucked into this moment as quickly and completely as if I had placed my feet in quicksand. Memories from years ago blended with intense physical excitement in a driving, pounding torrent of passion."
11. "He didn't notice Jane taking her clothes off but suddenly she was naked: long legged, lithe, and bronzed. The sheets were cool, her body warm, her limbs strong and supple, and they meshed with his just as he remembered. 'Oh Greg, dearheart,' she whispered in his ear, 'I've missed you so. Welcome home.' "
12. "But this time she led him upstairs into a room he had never laid eyes on, a bedroom with a king-size bed and not less than six oil pictures of Ayn on the walls, one of them showing her bare-breasted, the Ayn of twenty years ago. The shades had been drawn and Nathaniel could savor the scent. Today her lover was being welcomed with synesthetical concern for all the senses, only the music missing. But as he lay and later groaned with writhing and release, he brought the full force of his mind to transmuted, voluptuarian elation in this physical union with the very woman who had created John Galt and Dagny Taggart and Henry Rearden, and had touched down her scepter on him, Nathaniel, igniting his mind, and his own scepter, which paid, now, devoted service." William F. Buckley, guessed by Joan of Arggghhh
13. "With devastating slowness, his hand cupped her completely before he slowly slid a finger into her warmth. She was burning up. Heat sliced through her. Emily gave herself up to the sweet torment of his hand as her hips rocked against his touch. Clutching his shoulders, her mouth blindly sought his. Desperate for release, she tightened her grip. 'Ross,' she managed, feeling as though she were spinning out of control."
No cheating! The answers are over at Slate but play fair.
Posted by Cassandra at October 28, 2006 11:21 AM
Comments
The only one I can identify is #9, belonging to K. Kenneth Starr, former Independent Counsel.
Aside from that, the "flailing wildly in the air" from #3 is something I have a had time imagining. That's just bad writing....
Posted by: Miss Ladybug at October 28, 2006 12:17 PM
Very good!
And a LOT of these are bad writing.
There is a hint to another of the answers in the second link.
Posted by: Cass at October 28, 2006 12:30 PM
Good helk. What does that say about the tastes of the VC readership if we can match them without
cheating?
Posted by: A Throbbing, Pouting Sex Kitten at October 28, 2006 12:33 PM
And I resent the fact that breasts flail.
Jiggle, wobble or otherwise yield to the
laws of gravity or touch, but FLAIL?
Sounds like she's beating wheat or...
never mind. I was just overcome with a fit
of the giggles.
Posted by: Lindsay Lohan's Breasts at October 28, 2006 12:36 PM
"getting sucked into the moment like feet getting sucked into quicksand?"
Isn't one's first instinct to get free of quicksand?
What bizarre metaphor. I don't think I will play, but read through and fire rounds of cyber spit balls.
Posted by: Cricket at October 28, 2006 12:43 PM
#6 is Lynne Cheney.
Posted by: MathMom® at October 28, 2006 01:31 PM
Miss Ladybug,
Not only is #3 bad writing, the woman in question is using bad body mechanics. Either there was an undescribed flip-turn between "straddling him with her hands on his chest" and "[h]er back was to him", or she'll need a good chiropractor at the end of the paragraph.
Posted by: MathMom® at October 28, 2006 01:40 PM
Ladybug;
That is "HARD TIME" not "HAD TIME!"
Now that I think about it, maybe it was a 'had time'!
And you thought we wouldn't notice! LOL
Posted by: vet66 at October 28, 2006 01:41 PM
I think number 12 must be Buckley, William F.
Posted by: Joan Varga at October 28, 2006 01:49 PM
vet, maybe Ms. Bug was referring to the post-coital moment after the Viagra wears off......
>;-)
I'm with Cricket on this one. I so love lobbing cyber spitballs.
And originating in the desert as they do, they need to be really wet and sticky prior to launch or they just will dry up and wilt, landing (with nary a distinguishable *splat*) in an inglorious, white lump somewhere in the mid-west.
(I know, it's bad, but oh so appropo for this post.)
[and you started it.]
Heh
Posted by: Sly2017 at October 28, 2006 01:59 PM
Is #4 Winston Churchill?
I'd like to say "Winston Churchill wrote #4" all authoritatively, but truth be told, it's a wild guess.
Posted by: Beth at October 28, 2006 02:25 PM
No, but good guess! This is hard.
Posted by: Cass at October 28, 2006 02:27 PM
OK, then he's #8. I can't even begin to guess any of the others.
I feel so culturally illiterate! hahaha
Posted by: Beth at October 28, 2006 02:40 PM
You're right!
Posted by: Cass at October 28, 2006 02:45 PM
I must defend myself here - that was just a typo - I wasn't trying to make a joke or anything.
Yes, MathMom, that's what I was thinking: "how can you make them flail?"
Synonyms for flail include "flap" and "whip" - both actions I can't see happening with a set of boobs....
Posted by: Miss Ladybug at October 28, 2006 03:04 PM
Lynne Cheney DOES have a lesbian daughter, so maybe that helps explain that one?
Posted by: Miss Ladybug at October 28, 2006 03:05 PM
Sorry - took me a while to catch up!
Posted by: Cass at October 28, 2006 03:23 PM
I think #5 sounds like something I'd recently read an excerpt from, by Barbara Boxer.
Posted by: camojack at October 28, 2006 04:12 PM
w00t! I guessed one right! :-D
Posted by: Beth at October 28, 2006 06:36 PM
I think #3 was having a Linda Blair moment.
I have read a few bodice rippers in my time (three, actually) and they were a lot better
than these. Who was the author? I think Amanda Quick wrote one...it was witty and not too horribly graphic.
Posted by: Cricket at October 28, 2006 08:03 PM
Pouting sex kitten (1) is from Newt Gingrich.
Posted by: chris at October 28, 2006 09:42 PM
Jimmy Carter? That has to be a trick question. There's nothing in there about being sodomized by a bunny rabbit.
Posted by: MarkD at October 28, 2006 09:46 PM
#13 is Webb, I think.
Posted by: Eric Blair at October 28, 2006 10:22 PM
OK, one more guess: Newt wrote that monstrosity in #1.
Posted by: Beth the Huntress at October 28, 2006 11:55 PM
Eric, I thought you had nailed it but when I looked it up, that wasn't it. Sorry! I'll give you a hint though - 13 was written by a woman.
Posted by: Cassandra at October 29, 2006 08:20 AM
I think #2 might be tentative enough to be written by Jimmah Cahtah. There is no adultery in it, although we know full well that Jimmah has "lusted in his heart". And, as MarkD pointed out, there is no mention of a rabbit. But in the same way as he couldn't figure out how to get to Teheran, this lamebrain has never figured out how to get into his wife's bra? Duh!
Posted by: MathMom® at October 29, 2006 08:03 PM
Boxer or Coombs? Ok, it sounds more like a romance novel, so I'll say Coombs.
Posted by: Eric Blair at October 30, 2006 11:14 AM
number 3 is jim webb
Posted by: Afdir Soloshki at November 13, 2006 08:59 PM