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January 22, 2007

The World...

...is full of asshats and I do not understand how they all managed to obtain my phone number on this particular day.

Posted by Cassandra at January 22, 2007 02:02 PM

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Two elderly friends, both in their 80's, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail!?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was sooo proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'! And the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

*dusting off hands and pushing keyboard back*

heh >;-}

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 22, 2007 03:27 PM


Posted by: Cassandra at January 22, 2007 03:43 PM

After their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They just could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband goes to his doctor and tells him he and his cousin don't want to have anymore children. The doctor tells him that there is a procedure called a vasectomy that can fix the problem but that it's kind of expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest light bulb in the knife drawer but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," says the doctor.

So the man went home, lights the cherry bomb and puts it in a beer can. He holds the can up to his ear and begins to count …"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he pauses, places the beer can between his legs and resumes counting on his other hand...

Posted by: Cassandra at January 22, 2007 03:46 PM

You are so going to hell for that one...
You know that, right?

Posted by: Carrie at January 22, 2007 04:08 PM


But you know how much worse it could have been :p

Posted by: Cassandra at January 22, 2007 04:52 PM

Good thing he didn't have to go to 11.

Posted by: RIslander at January 22, 2007 05:06 PM

Some of you folks are sick and twisted. That's so bad it hurts to just read it ! Besides how can any redneck sleeping with his cousin count beyond five when his other hand is scratching his.....

Posted by: Edward Lunny at January 22, 2007 05:21 PM

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work .
You get ready for high school: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 22, 2007 05:39 PM

She's daring me to post that joke Carrie.

The woman is evil. I think I will just email it to her...

Posted by: Cassandra at January 22, 2007 05:42 PM

Sigh. Then there is just dying in your sleep.
Cass, did I mention that I just love what you have done with your title? The marmoset really sets it off; makes a statement.

heh. Hope your Monday wasn't that bad.

Posted by: Cricket at January 22, 2007 05:43 PM

Yeah Cricket but she still owes me royalties for using my likeness on her web page! :-o

I have come oh so close to posting that joke Cassie but I am restraining myself. Barely! ;-)

Posted by: JHD at January 22, 2007 05:48 PM

I'm my evil twin.

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 22, 2007 06:13 PM

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while running for office and enjoying the many benefits of Congressional life.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted".

Posted by: Deb at January 22, 2007 08:25 PM

Two boys were tossing a ball in a vacant lot when one of them was attacked by a Rottweiler. The other boy, thinking quickly, grabbed a sturdy stick, wedged it under the dog's collar and twisted mightily breaking the animal's neck and freeing his buddy.

A reporter from the Boston Herald was cruising by and witnessed the scene. Thinking it would make a great human interest story, he began to interview the boys, focusing on the quick-thinking rescuer. Whipping out his laptop he entered the heading: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend from Jaws of Vicious Animal."

Looking over the reporter's shoulder, the lad said, "But I'm not a Red Sox fan."

"Sorry," said the reporter, "I guess I just assumed everyone in Boston is a Red Sox fan." Hitting the delete key, the reporter typed in "Young Kennedy Loyalist Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog Attack."

"I'm not much for the Kennedys either," said the boy.

"Well, this is Massachusetts ," said the reporter, "and most folks here are pretty big on the Kennedys. Well, what person do you admire? What team do you root for?"

"I'm a Texas Ranger Fan," said the boy, "and I really like George W. Bush a lot."

Hitting the delete key a second time, the reporter typed, "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Posted by: Deb at January 22, 2007 08:32 PM

OMG: I'm sending that one to Jules Crittenden. If he hasn't heard it, he will love it :p

Posted by: Cassandra at January 22, 2007 08:41 PM

Nah. I dropped it in him comments section instead.

Posted by: Cassandra at January 22, 2007 08:50 PM

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were drinking in a bar when a fly landed in the Englishman's ale. The Englishman picked up the fly, flipped it away and calmly continued to drink. The fly landed next to the Frenchman's wine and proceeded to fly up and land in the glass. The Frenchman, too, picked up the fly and flipped it away, but ordered another glass of wine as that one was now "contaminated". The fly, having landed next to the Irishman's whiskey, flew up and landed in the glass.
The Irishman picked up the fly, held it by his wings and said, "Spit it out, ya little booger! Spit it out!"

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 10:02 PM

I have a Labrador retriever and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete. So, I was going to try it again....

...although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 10:05 PM

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 10:19 PM

Good thing he didn't have to go to 11.

And he won't since the "cherry bomb". Well, unless he kept a hand on the can, that is. If that's the case, he's down to 5.

Posted by: Cliff Clavin at January 22, 2007 10:28 PM

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 10:38 PM

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the highway, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down #99, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him -- no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase, as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the policeman to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the cop walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason I've never heard before, why you were speeding, I'll let you go!"

The man, looking very seriously at the police officer, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Mountie. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir!!" said the officer.

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 10:47 PM

Okay, okay.

This is a Depression Era joke.

A young teenage boy is hitchhiking along a highway, trying to thumb for ride.

A big sedan pulls up to the shoulder, and a well dressed man leans out the window and says, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"
The boy thinks for moment, then answers truthfully, "A Democrat."
The car speeds away.
The boy keeps thumbing, and a little while later a second car, a big Packard, pulls over, and the driver asks,"I'll give you a ride, but I gotta ask if you're a Republican or a Democrat?"
The boy rolls his eyes,and replies, "I'm a Democrat." The car races away.
A few minutes later, the boy still thumbing for a ride, a beautiful blond in a convertible pulls up on the shoulder of the road, and she asks the boy,"Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"
Being a quick study, the boy answers,"A Republican!"
"Well," she smiles, "hop in!"
So the boy gets in the car, and the beautiful blond speeds down the road. The wind is whipping into the car, and the woman's dress in climbing up her leg, and she gives the boy a big smile.
"Geez," he says. "I've only been a Republican for ten minutes and I already feel like screwing somebody!"

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at January 22, 2007 11:03 PM

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,

"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?"

She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee."

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 11:10 PM

Wow. There are some funny jokes here.

My favorite joke is the joke about the guy who was golfing with his regular Sunday partner. The course lay by a highway, and just as he was about to tee off a funeral procession came by. He interrupted his swing, took off his hat, and stood silently until the last car had passed from sight. Then, he put his hat on and struck the ball.

His partner watched with pride, and after the shot, said to him: "I've got to tell you that was a fine thing to do. I'm proud to know you."

"It was the least I could do," shrugged the golfer. "I was married to the woman for thirty years."

Posted by: Grim at January 22, 2007 11:27 PM


x = (Pi+3)/2
2x = Pi+3
2x(Pi-3) = (Pi+3)(Pi-3)
2Pix-6x = Pi^2-9
9-6x = Pi^2-2Pix
9-6x+x^2 = Pi^2-2Pix+x^2
(3-x)^2 = (Pi-x)^2
3-x = Pi-x
Pi = 3

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 11:34 PM

When a Fly Falls into a Cup of Coffee

Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks away.
Frenchman: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
Japanese: Drinks the coffee with the insect, since it is a free bonus.
American Leftist Professor: Deconstructs the narrative of the fly while protesting against its victimhood at the hands of Bush and the Amerikan Empire.
Israeli: Sells the coffee to the Frenchman and the insect to the Chinese, and gets himself a new cup of coffee.
Palestinian: Accuses the Israeli of throwing the insect into his coffee. Gets the United Nations and the European Union to condemn the Jews for the situation. Takes a loan from the European Union to buy another cup of coffee and uses the rest of the proceeds to finance suicide bombings.
Canadian Liberal: Races for the American border to escape the new conservative administration in Canada and in the United States buys a latte while defending the animal rights of all insects.

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 22, 2007 11:48 PM

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you.

Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember.

You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Posted by: JannyMae at January 23, 2007 12:24 AM

Just for you, Cass:

Having a hard day? Try this....

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress
> management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
> The funny thing is that it really works.
> 1. Picture yourself near a stream.
> 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
> 3. No one but you knows your secret place.
> 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
> 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
> 6. The water is crystal clear.
> 7. You can easily make out the face of the liberal Democrat you're holding underwater.
> 8. See, you're smiling already!

Posted by: JannyMae at January 23, 2007 12:26 AM

2x = Pi+3
2x(Pi-3) = (Pi+3)(Pi-3)

Should be:
2x - 3 = Pi

Or am I missing the joke?

Posted by: Daveg at January 23, 2007 08:20 AM

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Michael said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 23, 2007 10:45 AM

Cassandra, if your bad days result in comments like this I would almost wish you had more of them. I've laughed my way out of a trying day myself. Thanks!

Posted by: baberuth at January 23, 2007 02:25 PM

Joat, that would be 'damnYankee.'

Posted by: Cricket at January 23, 2007 05:39 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, I promise! Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said, "We need a new
cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, sh!t', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the cat and farted."

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 23, 2007 05:57 PM

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog....
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall . In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 23, 2007 06:02 PM

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's rear end?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 23, 2007 06:58 PM

Scotsman, a Sheep, and a Dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman. Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned towards the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk....???"

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 23, 2007 07:05 PM

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1) the bartender is a blonde girl,
2) the bouncer is a blonde girl,
3) I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate,
4) the woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter,
5) the lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 23, 2007 10:19 PM

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbra Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th five-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option to own one more.

You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick a fat cow from Arkansas.

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn`t.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times` analysis shows your business failure is Bush`s fault. Arnold Schwarzenegger promises to somehow revive your cow without spending any money or raising any taxes.

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 23, 2007 10:44 PM

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...
" I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'... now, what the hell would you have said?"

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 23, 2007 10:46 PM

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 23, 2007 11:05 PM

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one guy in front of me...
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller:
- "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says: "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says: "Fluc you white guys, too!"

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 23, 2007 11:29 PM

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1.Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2.Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3.Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4.Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5.Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6.Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7.Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8.Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9.Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10.Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11.Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12.Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13.Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14.Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15.Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16.However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 23, 2007 11:51 PM

Bravery is arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 24, 2007 02:54 AM

(Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.)
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn t feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 24, 2007 02:44 PM

Well, if we're doing longer pieces:

"Diary of a Texan in New England."

Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in New England. It is so beautiful here. The grasslands and hills are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God's Country... I love it here.

Oct. 14
New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red, yellow, and orange. I went for a ride through some beautiful river bottoms and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise... I love it here.

Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon... I love it here.

Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony... I love New England.

Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland... I love it here.

Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snow plow.

Dec. 22
More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the jackass!

Dec. 25
"White Christmas" my butt! More stupid snow. If I ever get my hands on that idiot who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll castrate him! Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the stupid ice.

Dec. 28
More white crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway after "snow plow Harry" comes by every time. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of white crap. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of the crap tonight. Do you know how many shovels-full of snow 10 inches is?

Jan. 1
Happy F@#$ng New Year. The weatherman was wrong (again). We got 34 inches of the white crap this time. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road, and the @#$@#@! had the gall to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head.

Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a stupid deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. We need to open the season year-round. Shoot on sight!

Apr. 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car looks like a piece of crap.

Apr. 10
First clear day. Packed the truck to move back to Texas. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in God-Forsaken New England.

Posted by: Grim at January 24, 2007 09:14 PM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
- "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said:
"Vedding Cake?"

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 24, 2007 11:03 PM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is?
What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's bad sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a$$hole' isn't it?" Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 25, 2007 05:28 PM

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest... The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Vermont and snatch another one?

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 25, 2007 09:28 PM

Posted by: Joatmoaf at January 25, 2007 10:09 PM

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks Back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought A hat."

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 26, 2007 01:39 AM

All Seriousness Aside, in memory of Brother Dave Gardner here's an old joke, twisted and a might more base than Bro Dave would have presented.

Good Ole Boy (hereafter know as Bubba) bought a new rifle with the intent to go bear hunting.

To the woods Bubba goes and after some time spots a small brown bear, so he shoots and kills the little fellow. Immediately afterwards there is a tap on his shoulder causing him turn around only to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices....either I am going to maul you to death or we are going to have sex." After a moment to consider the options, Bubba decides to accept to the offer of sex.

Bubba spent two weeks recovering, all the while vowing to seek his revenge.

As soon as possible, Bubba heads out on another trip to where he found the first small brown bear and he soon finds the big black bear. Bang! The big black bear drops like a stone, dead.

Bubba’s joy is short lived, as he soon feels another tap on his shoulder. This time he finds a huge grizzly bear standing right next to him. The griz says, "That was a mistake, Bubba. You shot my cousin so I am going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Once again, Bubba thought it was better to cooperate, and although he survived, it took several months before Bubba finally recovered.

Blinded by rage, Bubba heads back to the woods where he manages to track down the griz and shoot it. Bubba feels the rush of sweet revenge, but then there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear. The polar bear is looking at him sadly and says, "Admit it Bubba, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Posted by: bthun at January 28, 2007 03:49 PM

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I'll bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."

Posted by: Sly2017 at January 31, 2007 10:07 AM

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