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July 18, 2007

Pile In Aught Ocho Town Hall Meeting Number 1

town hall meeting hall.jpg

First let me say, this is not CSPAN. The Iraq war has made me well aware that the American people have the attention span of a dog pecker gnat*, so this is going to be a fast paced exchange. Read fast or be left behind.

Peggy Noonan, you are first up. Go ahead Peggy.

Yes Mr. On, the American people want to know just one thing of their president: WILL YOU SUFFER?

Peggy, let me just say that I really enjoyed that book you did on President Reagan, When Character Was King.

And not just suffer privately, but will you seem to suffer publicly during press conferences, public appearances, and the like so that we can savor your suffering?

Oprah tapes in Chicago. Thanks.

Next question, you, MTV viewer person.

Yes thank you Mr. On my question is, the war in Iraq?

I support it.

The war on terror?

That too.

The war in Bosnia?

Sure why not.

The battle of the bulge?

Thank God CNN wasn’t there.

The War on drugs?

Like your drugs huh?

Partial birth abortion?

Bloody murder.

School bussing?

Beats walking.

Affirmative action?

Sometimes less is more.

The F word?

Yes?

The S word?

S word?

The N word?

Don’t use it.

The C word?

Wouldn’t recommend it.

National health care?

Sure, if the nation is sick.

France?

Good friends are hard to find.

Michael Moore?

I am sure I will be a source of future inspiration.

Teletubbies?

To each his own.

Long walks in the park?

The only thing better is a short walk.

Warrantless wire taps?

Depends on what you mean by warrantless?

Surgical spinal taps?

No thanks.

This is spinal tap?

Classic.

The NEA?

Wait till they get a load of me.

The CIA?

Needs a house cleaning.

The FBI?

Glad they are on my side.

The NAACP?

What does that second A stand for?

The AARP?

If you aren’t part of the solution you must be part of the precipitate.

WTF?

Isn’t that an AM station in Chicago?

The ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter?

Yes, I like pi.

Missing bees?

Depends on who is missing them.

Killer bees?

The Astros aren’t having a very good year.

Brazilian bikini wax?

I have never understood why they call it a bikini wax.

Gangs?

A poor substitute for a family.

Prescription drugs?

Why do you ask?

Thugs?

Don’t need them.

Bushwhackers?

Haven’t seen them.

Red necks.

Sure, just don’t get carried away.

Leather necks?

Salute.

Long necks?

It's not about the bottle.

Global warming?

Wouldn’t be the first time.

Climate change?

Semantics.

Endangered species?

99.9 percent of all species that have ever lived have gone extinct. We are all endangered.

Erosion?

Not quite as sexy as global warming.

Corruption?

Don’t make me flash the lights.

Wind power?

What do we do on the days without wind?

Solar power?

Get back to me when the technology has improved.

Power windows?

Never knew I needed them till I had them.

Childcare?

Sorry, just checking to see if my wallet is still there.

Child abuse?

That’s why we build prisons.

Gay marriage?

Happy is good.

Polygamy?

Only works in theory, kind of like Marxism.

Onomatopoeia?

Snap.

George Bush?

Like him or no, you got what you voted for.

Women in prison movies?

Sure, if tastefully done.

What type of underwear do you like?

Cotton.


*Dog pecker gnat is the common name for canis genitales sp., of the order diptera. An unremarkable specimen that spends its summer days buzzing about warm moist dog members.

Posted by Pile On® at July 18, 2007 07:38 AM

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Comments

Brevity is the soul of wisdom.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at July 18, 2007 08:27 AM

Yup.

Posted by: Geraldine Cooper at July 18, 2007 09:43 AM

Whatever happened to my pudding question?

I SMELL SCANDAL - YOU ARE DUCKING MY PUDDING QUESTION!

Posted by: Cassandra at July 18, 2007 09:52 AM

Pudding will be served after the meeting, Cass.

Posted by: KJ at July 18, 2007 10:29 AM

Is it Jell-O or pudding, or pudding made by Jell-O?

There's always room for Jell-O. Or so I've heard.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at July 18, 2007 10:49 AM

If you get the nomination, I'll vote for you.

Posted by: camojack at July 18, 2007 11:03 AM

'the American people have the attention span of a dog pecker gnat*'

I for one am deeply insulted, I think it's a terrible slander against the American people to say .... oh a shiny light ... man I'm worried about the Red Sox, I know they are in first place but ... the Celtics are awful and will be so ... as long as the Bruins are owned by Jeremy Jacobs. So please refrain from those type insults in the future.

Posted by: Frodo at July 18, 2007 12:21 PM

If he would suffer more, I would have more confidence in his leadership.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: Peggy Noonan at July 18, 2007 12:24 PM

AND PUDDING, DAMMITALL TO HELL!

Pudding.

Is that too much to ask?

[sniffle]

Posted by: Peggy Noonan at July 18, 2007 12:24 PM

...actually, lime jello is an acceptable substitute if pudding is not available.

Never let it be said that I am unwilling to compromise in times of national emergency.

Posted by: Peggy Noonan at July 18, 2007 12:28 PM

Pile, I have a serious question.

If it meant the difference between winning the election and getting crushed in a landside, would you put on a Yankees cap and smile for the camera?

Posted by: spd rdr at July 18, 2007 12:28 PM

Did you know that Rudy Giuliani is a Yankees fan, just like Hillary Clinton? And John Kerry served in Viet Nam (es pravda!), just like John McCain (both Navy men)? Imagine.

Now let's all sing "It's a Small World Afterall..."

(and somebody hit me in the head with a baseball bat)

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at July 18, 2007 02:29 PM

How about a cluebat? :)

Actually you're about the last person on earth who needs a clue bat, my friend.

Posted by: Cassandra at July 18, 2007 02:36 PM

Okay, I am back from a busy day of campaigning.

Cass, Peggy whoever, pudding will play the same important role in my administration that it has played in every administration since John Quincy Adams.

No spd. The answer is no. If I have to resort to that....then I am not a very credible candidate now am I?

And the hat works for Rudy. On Hillary it makes me embarrassed for her. Clintons don't embarrass easy.

Posted by: Pile On® at July 18, 2007 05:49 PM

So what you are saying then, Pile, is that you would rather see the United States - NAY! all of western civilization - be crushed under the heel of political correctness and Islamofacism than to be photographed wearing a stupid basball cap?

When did you stop beating your wife, eh?

Posted by: spd_rdr at July 19, 2007 02:42 PM

That pretty much sums it up.

Don't ask me again.

Posted by: Pile On® at July 19, 2007 05:49 PM

CANDIDATE AVOIDS QUESTIONS REGARDING POLITICAL MOTIVATION AND INSTEAD DIVES INTO CHENEY-SPONSORED WIFE-BEATER BUNKER WHILE DENYING HEINOUS HATE CRIMES.

*piddles*


Posted by: spd rdr at July 19, 2007 07:25 PM

What are you trying to say?

Fercrissakes man, make your point!

Posted by: Pile On® at July 19, 2007 08:34 PM

Point?

Posted by: spd rdr at July 19, 2007 09:31 PM

Huh?

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at July 19, 2007 09:34 PM

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