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December 20, 2007

Shuddering Succotash!!!

Late last night as the Princess ovulated pointlessly by the dimly reflected glow of the wintry moon her Dell Precision notebook, Pile On (of the esteemed Ebb and Flow Institute) reminded her that Solstice is just around the corner. Naturlich, her thoughts immediately turned to fond memories of last December and the prospect of an entire planet synchronistically vibrating for peace. "Shuddering succotash!", she said to herself! "That means it's time for Global Orgasm Day!"

That also means there's not a moment to lose! Last year, only speedy intervention by a dedicated group of willing wankers averted a certain nuclear war with Iran:

The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

As we explained earlier, the science behind using Orgasmic energy to shift Matter and Quantum Energy fields leads to measurable reductions in global levels of violence, hatred and fear. Now, thanks to you, Global Orgasm has a proven track record:

Just think: in 2007 alone, due to our timely intervention 100% of the wars predicted by Global Orgasm.org never came to pass!

That's right: 100%. You can't get much better (or more scientific) than that. But we can't rest on our laurels, because the underlying cause of all this violence hasn't gone away:

The world is full of men with axes to grind and weapons to fire in displays of their superiority over others. It is time to spare the planet from Alpha Male concepts of 'progress', 'growth' and Manifest Destiny, which are endangering all of us.

That's right: men are the problem. It is Men who insist on raping peaceful, agrarian Mother Gaia with their hate-filled progress, growth, and technology, all of it based on rigid, authoritarian notions of observable fact vs. subjective feelings; hypothesis and scientific methods vs. narratives and consensus building; mathematics vs. intuition. The entire corrupt power structure is rigged to puff up the overweening male ego and keep women who are perfectly qualified and exactly the same as men in every way out of high paying jobs in engineering and the sciences. These highly intelligent, fully-equal women (who are no different from men, mind you) just can't compete with men unless special accommodations for their unique feelings and ways of thinking are made in the workplace. This is not because they are not equal, mind you, or because they are not trying, but because men are out to rape get them.

Only by rejecting this so-called male "progress" and returning to the more organic ways of our Mother Gaia can we reverse Global Warming, decrease global violence, and finally get this planet back on the only truly moral course: the ability to legally seize the assets of more productive citizens to support less productive ones.

And that's a value proposition everyone can get behind.

Well, everyone except our most productive citizens. But who cares what they think? They're mostly a bunch of white men.

Posted by Cassandra at December 20, 2007 08:07 AM

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This looks like a job for Superman!
But since his only a two-dimensional cartoon character, you ladies will have to settle for me. what can I do to assist in making this the biggest and best Global Orgasm Day since Ophra endorsed Obama? (Positive replies only, please.)

Posted by: spd rdr at December 20, 2007 01:53 PM

Global O Day.
For some reason that reminds me of having Shore Patrol duty overseas. Policing besotted 18-25 years olds with a new found freedom to copulate once ashore with willing foreign business ladies in the darnedest public locations. Ladies, I might note, who often sported mustaches of more density than their young squid paramour's... *shudder*. Temporarily insane young fellows with a wad of US greenbacks, whose perceptions of all that is right and good about love were seriously skewed due to the deprivations of sea duty.

Hmmmm I wonder if those same business ladies have now incorporated into the GlobalOrgasm.org org?

I do not recall SP duty as the most fond of all my USN duty memories, but dwelling on the likely cast of characters who would espouse a GO day as a solution to the woes of the world would be enough to drive me to drink... if only.

And with regard to

The world is full of men with axes to grind and weapons to fire in displays of their superiority over others. It is time to spare the planet from Alpha Male concepts of 'progress', 'growth' and Manifest Destiny, which are endangering all of us.
I have the words of a late, great southern sports writer ringing in my head
"Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"
Lewis Grizzard

Posted by: bthun at December 20, 2007 03:02 PM

Ah... the VC I know and love is back :)

[shaking head]

Without the Oink Cadre, life just doesn't have that special je ne sais "huh"???

Posted by: Cassandra at December 20, 2007 03:39 PM

[Bows deeply]

Anything for Milady. =8^}

Posted by: bthun at December 20, 2007 04:06 PM


In the Bed!
In the shower!
On the balcony!

Able to leap over 100 ladies in a single....bound?
More powerful than a bottle of.....Viagra?

It's, it's.....spr spd rdr.

Vanna, buy him some vowels for Xmas.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at December 20, 2007 05:09 PM

spr spd rdr...

I like it!


Posted by: spd rdr at December 20, 2007 06:40 PM

"ovulated pointlessly" ??


Posted by: MathMom at December 20, 2007 08:01 PM

My dear, every ovulation is precious.

Posted by: The Pope at December 20, 2007 08:20 PM

You can say *that* again, your Pontiffness.


Posted by: Princess Leia, Over Easy at December 20, 2007 10:13 PM

"...that's a value proposition everyone can get behind.

Well, everyone except our most productive citizens. But who cares what they think? They're mostly a bunch of white men."

Ummm...productive, or reproductive?
(Inquiring minds, and all that...)

Posted by: camojack at December 21, 2007 12:42 AM

Ha! No need for axe grinding. I keep my collection of battleaxes ever sharp, ready for plunder, loot, and pillaging or the saucy wink of a comely wench whenever my innerviking lets loose. After all, what woman can resist a man with combat proficiency in medieval weaponry? YAAHAARR!!

For a true viking, Global Orgasm Day is simply called "Saturday Night". Woman, where is my mead tankard!?

-- Sigurd the Foe-hammer

Posted by: a former european at December 21, 2007 04:04 AM

afe, you have more personalities than Sybil!

What a great way to start the day :) I have missed you.

Posted by: Princess Leia, Over Easy at December 21, 2007 05:45 AM

This entire thread was a great way to start the day, if I am say so myself.

And yes, that "ovulating pointlessly" phrase cracked me up. I'll be nice and not mention why. :D

I'm wondering why we haven't heard JHD, yet...

Posted by: FbL at December 21, 2007 09:03 AM

"Curse my penis" muttered the phallic whisperer!

I do it for World Piece! Make that "Peace!"

Posted by: vet66 at December 21, 2007 12:28 PM

Dear Doctor Ruth, or Blog Princess,

I need some advice.

As the annual Solstice celebration of GO day approaches I find that I must ask for some guidance. Not so much in regard to the activities on that most auspicious day of piece… but how certain unforeseen events have shaken me to my foundations.

During one of those brief periods of time that was available for recreational reading, I stumbled upon this story. Wanting to verify the claim, I solicited some assistance from Lili. Preliminary indications are that the researchers might just be on to something. Pending further verification, I have come to the realization that I can no longer consider myself a Huck supporter! Living in the shadows, not to mention the acoustic chamber of shame.

My question. Does this now place me in the RonPaul camp? If so, should not information like this be banned due to the wayward influence of those screamers on those who go through life never having had an outburst at those most intimate of moments?

Help me Dr. Ruth, or Blog Princess…

Sign me, Will work for screams on the Solstice

Posted by: WwfSotS at December 21, 2007 03:11 PM

Sigurd bulls his way to the front of the tavern, as his wont, wipes the beer foam from his beard and moustache, and begins to manly expostulate before the Blog Princess can reply:

Aye laddie! Tis all well! When the wenches be shouting, its only encouragement for the stallion, so to speak, unless she first fainted away at the sight of Sigurd's mighty thews, which sometimes happens! Also, make sure the screams are being shouts of passion rather than you being on her hair, for instance.

If ye still be having no luck, laddie, then look to the size of yer broadsword. If ye are only armed with a short sword like them Roman fellers, then ye needs to make up fer the lack by discipline and skill of use like they do. They knows all types of military formations and fancy positions to get the job done! There's more than one way te storm the castle, if ye know what I mean. YAAHHAARR!

Posted by: a former european at December 21, 2007 04:47 PM

Aye... AFE off-off-off-da-offers good adv-adv-adv-da-advice WwfoSotS. Now if I mig-migh-migh-might offer this little tune in the spi-spi-spirit of the sea-season for ah-ah-ah-all of you ladies, gent-gentl-gentlemen and ships at sea.

Posted by: PorkDiddy at December 21, 2007 07:23 PM

My goodness! I came back by accident, having taken the Blog Princess at her word. I am positively thrilled to find the game afoot yet again. Love it, Cass!

Posted by: Kurt at December 22, 2007 12:32 AM

Solstace celebration of GO......interesting.....the acronym is opposite the outcome.

Posted by: Snarkammando at December 22, 2007 02:01 AM

I hang my head in shame.

50 lashes please.

Posted by: Glidedon at December 22, 2007 02:55 AM

Ok, did it work?

There was a unusually light amount of traffic yesterday in the North Metro area, but I can't recall hearing much in the way of a Global Scream.

Ah well, if at first...

Posted by: bthun at December 23, 2007 10:34 AM

If you are wise, sir, you will not mention the words "Atlanta" and "traffic" to the princess in the same breath...

Posted by: Cassandra at December 23, 2007 11:41 AM

*deep inhale*
Atlantatraffic Atlantatraffic Atlantatraffic Atlantatraffic Atlantatraffic......


Neener neener neener


Posted by: Snarkammando at December 23, 2007 01:18 PM

Sorry Milady...

It's easy to forget how badly our traffic affects those who are not from 'round heah.

But if memory serves, I averaged >2 hours to travel 30-ish miles from Eastern Maryland to NRL every morning back in the 80's. That is unless it snowed and/or the Woody Woody became stuck in the up position. Cut it out! For those who have the great and good fortune to not know, the Woody Woody was a cantankerous draw-bridge predisposed to No Function Good. Ahh yes, the fond memories of camping on the highway in the snow, for hours, buying sandwiches and canned sodas from the enterprising locals.

All in all, I would have to suspect that barring alien intervention, D.C. and the surrounding Metro area traffic is not much better than Atlanta's, if at all, with the one outstanding exception being the new/improved Woody Woody.

Well I'll just go to the garage now and hammer out the markers on my truck's bumpers from yesterdays trip to MIL&FIL's get together and end this comment with a little of the Zen-ness required to be one of the few, the driven darned near insane but proud, Atlanta metro commuters... Well either Zen or a really big pickup with heavy-gauge steel bumpers.

Posted by: bthun at December 23, 2007 01:38 PM

Oh good helk. 'ovulating pointlessly...' lessee,
oh yeah. Shuddering Succotashes has that rightness of alliteration without being literal.
Shuddering Zucchini, on the otter heiny, might
have had led to some disturbing mental images.

So, I have to ax the question: Are carrots, onions, leeks and other 'root' vegetables considered phallic and do vegetarian ovulators
eat them?

Posted by: Cricket at December 23, 2007 02:21 PM

*bing* What a great idea! Vegetables Gone Wild!

Posted by: PorkDiddy at December 23, 2007 02:45 PM

Camo, 're-productive' would mean that ovulation had a POINT. All double entendre snark aside,
the Over Easy One was ovulation pointlessly, that is to say, non reproductively.

Or not having a Point. But since I am not a cunning linguist such as yerself, I apologize for
the Bad Pun.

Posted by: Cricket at December 23, 2007 02:57 PM

If'n I recollect correctly from my high school biology class, it was the little swimmers that had a *point*............


Posted by: Snarkammando at December 23, 2007 04:38 PM

This year, like last, I launched the counter "Orgasm for Victory". The point is to share/cause an orgasm in with someone in the military or a veteran. While doing so you should focus on American victory.


Posted by: Maggie at December 24, 2007 02:09 PM

Then the Engineer has it 'made.'

*runs off giggling madly*

Posted by: Cricket at December 24, 2007 03:15 PM