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January 22, 2008

Coffee Snorters: Crime And Punishment Edition

We must say that we find this extremely disturbing:

"My husband got a phone call and a real raspy voice over the phone said 'check your mailbox'."

In the mailbox was a ransom note.

"The note basically said they were holding Jesus for ransom."

...It has to be a young person because they put these lines around Jesus, no adult is going to waste their time doing that," says Mansel.

Our reaction precisely.
Our gosh. Meanwhile, in other news...

Posted by Cassandra at January 22, 2008 01:15 PM

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I betcha he would have sold them on ebay.
I nearly snorted my hot chocolate all over
the laptop.

Posted by: Throbbing Sex Kitten at January 22, 2008 02:23 PM

419 comments on the stolen Jesus story? 419! WTF?

And why am I not surprised to see the Throbbing Sex Kitten on the underwear story?
Naughty little minx.

Although, I had a feeling that it couldn't be much of a crime and punishment post.......there's no mention of me. And I try so hard.

Posted by: Snarkammando at January 22, 2008 06:51 PM

"Well, Holmes, The Mystery of the Purloined Panties is solved at last. What do you say to a line of coke and a hand of whist?"

"No time for frivolity, my good Watson. There! Hear that Watson?!”

“It’s only Big Ben sounding the quarter hour.”

“Yes, Watson, and its every passing peal portends another panty pilfered!”

“But Holmes, Inspector Lestrade has got his man, recovered the missing panties, and the wretch has confessed to the crime. What more is there to do?”

“Lestrade has arrested only a pawn in a much larger game, Watson. We cannot permit ourselves to be so easily satisfied.”


“Yes, Watson, the very same.”

“But, Holmes, how can you be sure that Professor Moriarty is behind this wave of nocturnal naughty knicker-nabbing?”

“Elementary, Watson. While you were entertaining Mrs. Hudson, in the pantry, with a candlestick, I went to Queen Victoria’s Secret disguised as a nun.”

“A nun! Surely, Holmes! Whatever for?”

“I thought my disguise would sufficiently disarm the clerks for them provide me with information about the shop’s supplier of benevolent butt floss.”

“Good heavens, Holmes! You don’t mean…thuh…thuh..thuh...”

“Thongs, Watson? That’s exactly what I mean.

“But why?”

“Queen Victoria’s Secret is the realm’s largest purveyor of skimpy satin string things. But ask yourself, Watson, does your wife ever actually wear the scanty undergarments that you buy for her?”

“Er…no, Holmes.”

“And Mrs. Hudson. Does she ever wear that little black latex number that you gave her behind the pudding bar at last St. Crispin’s Day festival?”

“Come to think of it… Hey! Hold on there Holmes!”

“Preciously what she said to me last Thursday, Watson.”

“Huh? But what makes you think Moriarty is involved?”

“Think, Watson. Suppose that you made a under garment that was so ridiculously uncomfortable for women to wear that the only way you could sell them…”

“Was to steal every other pair of woman’s panties in London! Why, its diabolical!”

Exactly, Watson. Moriarty planned to empty the knickers from the draws of every home in the Empire. Without sensible undergarments, even the Queen herself would soon be reduced to wearing skimpy scented satin string things.”

“God forbid, Holmes. There’s a vision.”

“Indeed, Watson. Come! We haven’t a moment to lose! We only just enough time to catch the 6:14 train to Strapponshire! I’ll give you the rest of details on the way. I think your readers will find The Mystery of the Diabolical Derrière. most satisfying ”

“Indeed, Holmes. Lead the way!”

Posted by: spd rdr at January 22, 2008 07:38 PM

Spd, you are insane. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Posted by: Pile On at January 22, 2008 07:55 PM

I am dying :) I can't stop laughing.


Damn you. I am just speechless :p

Posted by: Cass at January 22, 2008 08:06 PM

And Holmes led the way, his knickers in a twist for the game was afoot and he was in arrears.

Posted by: Throbbing Sex Kitten at January 22, 2008 10:12 PM

Now if we could just figure out who stole all *our* clothes?

- Waxed Male Models of America

Posted by: Help! Help! We're Being Undressed! at January 22, 2008 10:31 PM

It was Goldilocks and the Three Bares.

Posted by: Throbbing Sex Kitten at January 23, 2008 12:00 AM

Oh, that was wicked. Wicked, I say.

Posted by: Thing me a thad, thad thong... at January 23, 2008 12:08 AM

Nothin' like a little (panty) petty theft...

Posted by: camojack at January 23, 2008 01:27 AM

Cass, did you hear about the would be convenience store robber that shot himself in his ballz when he went to put the gun into his pants?

Posted by: Ymarsakar at January 23, 2008 11:13 AM

Posted by: Ymarsakar at January 23, 2008 11:13 AM

Are eunuch kiddink? Vell, zat's von vay to zhwart yourself, or in zee testicular, kurses voiled again.

Posted by: Zigman Schadenfreude at January 23, 2008 11:39 AM