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February 07, 2008

Coffee Snorters: Crime and Punishment Edition

The Editorial Staff wishes to apologize for the Luminescent Suckitude of its blogging of late. It is the silly season at our place of employment, and we see no end in sight in the near future. Please be patient.

In the mean time, having nothing better to do, we propose to amuse ourselves and the assembled villainry by lobbing snark at unsuspecting fellow bloggers:


IT might harm their reputation, but Israel's air force is considering giving its combat pilots Viagra to improve their performance in the air.

A recent study conducted by Israeli doctors among mountain climbers in Africa found a link between erectile dysfunction drugs and improved performance in high altitudes, the mass-selling Yediot Aharonot reported.

The active ingredient in the drugs was found to make climbers perform better in an environment with less oxygen, which causes fatigue and dizziness.

This has led army doctors to consider giving jet fighter pilots - who can fly at altitudes of up to 50,000 feet - the same drug.

"The Viagra family of drugs is considered effective in these conditions because when there is a long shortage in oxygen it leads to high blood pressure in the lungs, and the drugs help fight that," the report quoted military medical sources as saying.

*crickets chirping*

The noise you hear is the sound of the Editorial Staff laughing its a$$ off sound of freedom...

Yeah, right. Awfully quiet over there.

In other news, everywhere we look, a vile wave of crime seems to be sweeping the nation:

Thieves are robbing long-distance coaches by sneaking dwarves into the luggage holds in sports bags.

Once inside, they slip out from their hiding places to rifle through the belongings of unsuspecting travellers.

Then they take their loot back to their hiding place and wait to be collected by another gang member when the coach reaches its destination, reports The Sun.

Is there no end to the depravity of humankynd? Apparently not. Prepare yourselves for a crime so hideous, so foul, so callous that it will freeze the very marrow of your bones:

Interfering With a Dolphin

'I grabbed his fin, but he didn't seem up for pulling us along. I said: “Give him some space. Don't upset him.” The dolphin came to us. It's a powerful creature.

He could have gone any time if he had wanted to.'

Oh sure. Tell yourself that if it makes you feel better, you monster. It's the oldest excuse in the book: "He *enjoyed* it...".

Great moments in crime journalism:

The woman called police – but when Officer Frank Cavallaro arrived at the aptly named Hardscrabble Road, Lu charged at him, nakedly. Cavallaro responded by Tasering him.

Beer: not only is it tasty. It's useful:

It was a dramatic scene at a Boise gas station after two citizens helped stop an armed robbery with a six pack of beer.

Police say James Edward Bridges, 46 walked into the store went behind the counter, shoved a clerk and started grabbing money out of the cash register.

An off-duty jailer swung into action using a six pack of beer bottles, whacking the suspect over the head.

Another customer helped pin the suspect to the ground until police arrived. Police say Bridges resisted arrest – kicking and fighting – resulting in a battery on an officer charge in addition to a felony count of robbery.

Bridges suffered a cut on the head from the beer bottles and was taken first to a local hospital then to the Ada County Jail.

Posted by Cassandra at February 7, 2008 07:17 AM

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Comments

Israeli AF is supplying flight suits and Viagra to address pilot BP/oxygen issues? There is enough material in this one for a good 10 minute stand-up comic routine... but I'll leave it for Leno.

..and on this, the day after, thanks for all the fish. =8-}

Posted by: bthun at February 7, 2008 09:52 AM

And let me say this about that... the ahhh, stand-up routine remark, no pun intended. Ahhight?

Posted by: bthun at February 7, 2008 09:59 AM

It's all about thrust.

Posted by: Cricket at February 7, 2008 10:33 AM

Naked charges?

*thud*

Posted by: Cricket at February 7, 2008 10:34 AM

<Singing>
Off we go into the Wild Blue Yonder...
</singing>

Posted by: Yu-Ain Gonnano at February 7, 2008 10:35 AM

Apologist accepted. (from one grammatically challenged person to another).

Posted by: Frodo at February 7, 2008 10:56 AM

“The Naked Incident” may be the most breathtaking example of post-Hemingway-esque journalism that I have yet encountered. It is such a rarity these days to find in the print media writing of such power: "...Lu charged at him, nakedly." So exquisitely spare, so tantalizingly evocative, so irresistibly sexy! No wonder so many have eschewed the tortured news analysis found in today’s bloviating broadsheets for casually brief encounters with the crisp visuals of television news.
And just listen to the rhythm (whoa whoa whoa!)! “The naked incident started on Sunday evening (comma!)“when a naked man (comma!) later identified as 28-year-old Peter Lu (comma!) started banging on a woman's door in Chappaqua (comma!) New York for no apparent reason.” Every sordid detail of the story is punctuated by your own deep breath! And every breath you take “bangs” with force of a jackhammer! Splendid! Yet in the end he leaves you wanting…no begging for more! “…for no apparent reason.” Such dark pain. Such humanity. Can you not hear Papa’s voice? “For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.”
“Thus, the Battle of Peter Lu was brought to an end without anybody getting shot.” And the sun also rises.
Perhaps there yet hope for modern journalism. Perhaps…

Posted by: spd rdr at February 7, 2008 01:34 PM

Do not ask for whom the blog rolls

It rolls for you.

And this Bud's for you, too. Heh.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at February 7, 2008 01:40 PM

For Whom The Bull Tolls...

Posted by: Ernest Hemingway at February 7, 2008 02:15 PM

...banging on a woman's door in Chappaqua...

Mehhehheh. Sounds like an israeli AF pilot in a date gone bad.

Or a scene from a National Lampoon movie.

Posted by: Kevin L at February 7, 2008 04:46 PM

Weird as it may sound, there may be some validity in the Viagra story. There is/was an epileptic drug here a while back that the Army was investigating because while on it you supposedly did not need to sleep for up to four days. Don’t think anything became of it though.

Posted by: Georg Felis at February 7, 2008 06:20 PM

That's interesting.

The meds I take daily for my migraines are epilepsy drugs. Wonderful, no?

Better living through chemistry... not :p

Posted by: Cassandra at February 7, 2008 06:46 PM

Well, if we're going to be serious, Viagra was originally a hypertension drug. Like Rogain, it's side effect was more profitable.

Posted by: Yu-Ain Gonnano at February 7, 2008 08:32 PM

Viagra was originally a hypertension drug...

...and now it relieves tension.

Bada boom, bada bing!

I'm afraid to ask what that says about my migraine meds :p

Posted by: Cassandra at February 7, 2008 10:00 PM

"An off-duty jailer swung into action using a six pack of beer bottles, whacking the suspect over the head."

Ladies and Gentlemen! Princess. A little respect here for the dead, for they gave their lives in the persuit of justice for the working man. Truly a noble death. A moment of silence. Please....

..........
........
.....

We now return you to your regularly scheduled snark.
0>;~}

Posted by: Sly2017 at February 7, 2008 11:26 PM

"The warrior uses whatever is at hand. There is no shame in this."

Posted by: camojack at February 8, 2008 04:01 AM

"An off-duty jailer swung into action using a six pack of beer bottles, whacking the suspect over the head."
Am I the only one thinking that this flagrant abuse of beer ought to be against the law?

Posted by: Tuck, Friar at February 8, 2008 07:18 AM

"An off-duty jailer swung into action using a six pack of beer bottles, whacking the suspect over the head."

Proving once again the value of a persons right to own beer ... if beer is outlawed, only outlaws will have beer.

Posted by: Frodo at February 8, 2008 09:25 AM

I'm afraid to ask what that says about my migraine meds :p

My better half takes the same meds for her migranes Cass, and the answer is, "it stops brainstorms".

Posted by: MikeD at February 8, 2008 09:29 AM

A Stockholm Police spokesman said: "We are looking at our records to identify criminals of limited stature."

I have to hand it to those Swedish police - they're ever so PC, if nothing else. Like f'r'instance, catching the little buggers.

Posted by: ZZMike at February 8, 2008 05:51 PM

Now how do I apply for my CBC License? (Concealed Beer Carry)

Posted by: Georg Felis at February 9, 2008 01:12 AM

"Now how do I apply for my CBC License? (Concealed Beer Carry)"
First is a mandatory 40 hours of training at the ChugSight Training Center on Urban Pilsner and Tactical Stein... Then comes Advanced Rural Pony-Keg Assault training.

Once completed, you must submit a Xerox of your tucci, along with your application to the BATF (Beer & Alcohol Totin' Fools) Attention Agent Nino Greasemanelli.

Posted by: Bluto Blutarsky at February 9, 2008 01:28 AM

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