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February 14, 2008

Coffee Snorters: Be My Valentine Edition

As rosy-fingered dawn stole across the sky and her detestable little alarm commenced to hopping from one foot to the other like a small child badly in need of a bathroom break, the Princess reluctantly emerged from beneath a nest of warm covers.

She was greeted by a blast of icy air and the spicy smell of roses. 'Twas the feast of St. Valentine: that time when we on the Distaff Side really ought to venture out and summon up amusements for the Oink Cadre. Valentine's Day has, for some unknown reason, become all about pleasing women. Men are guilted into manfully going forth and procuring flowers, candy, jewelry, and all other manner of filthy lucre; and Woe unto him who fails to divine her every wish. Or at least that's what the marketers would have you think.

prn_women.jpgThe truth is really a good bit more simple than that. We just want to know you care about us. That's the best aphrodisiac of all.

But in this age of gender equality, we women need to be asking ourselves some honest questions like, "Isn't Valentine's Day just another relic of outdated gender stereotyping that attempts to relegate women to submissive positions in a rigid, male dominated power structure?"

As strong, powerful, equally-capable women, should we really be engaging in what amounts to emotional blackmail? If we are truly the equals of men, shouldn't we be giving as good as we get?

Shouldn't we be rising up and providing men with some quality entertainment on the Feast of St. Valentine?

Why are we demanding that men woo us? Why don't we seduce them, for a change? Seriously, though, when was the last time you put some serious thought into putting a big, silly grin on his face?

Or have you considered taking him on a Beer Odyssey across America? Or how about gadgets? Finally, if your man is a hard worker, how about surprising him with a special getaway next year? Doesn't he deserve something special for all the long hours he puts in at work? Let's face it, flowers and candy just won't cut it for the man in your life this Valentine's Day.

Finally, what would Valentine's Day be without a few laughs?

OK: everyone out of the gene pool...

A woman in Germany who became pregnant after an online sex auction has won a court battle to force the Web site that hosted the sale to reveal the names of the winners, so she can find out who's the father.

Six different men won Internet auctions to have sex with the woman in April and May last year. They were only known to her by their online names, a spokesman for a court in the southwestern city of Stuttgart said Wednesday.

'The woman wanted to discover which one of the men had made her pregnant,' the spokesman said. 'So she needed their contact details.

Mommy, I'm scared...

The ultimate symbol of Teh Patriarchy finally gets its comeuppance:

"I've pulled out a lot of vehicles," he said. "But that's the first wiener I've ever pulled out."

It was a first for the women, too. They left none the wurst for wear.

"Usually we try to keep from scratching our buns," Goudie said. "But sometimes, things go wrong."


Professional journalism. Don't try this at home.

And finally, since 'tis St. Valentine's Day and sonnets are the language of love, a sonnet from neo-neocon in praise of sonnets, and a love letter.


Posted by Cassandra at February 14, 2008 07:00 AM

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Well it's my birthday too so that graphic was even better it reminds me of the birthday present my husband gave me the first year we were married...which he never, ever did again give me a household appliance for my birthday:)

Michelle Malkin another reason to celebrate Saint Valentine's Day.


Posted by: laree at February 14, 2008 11:16 AM

"...he said. 'But that's the first wiener I've ever pulled out.'"

Yeah, I'll bet he says that to all the ladies he finds -- in a ditch.....or whereever.


Posted by: Sly2017 at February 14, 2008 11:31 AM

If you truely enjoy the companionship and love of your partner, why would you restrict your romance and frivolity to one overly commercialised cobbled together "holiday" ? My sweety and spread it out over the course of the entire year, the romance and frivolity that it. Valentines day has become a overwrought commercial enterprise, solely designed to seperate men from their money in the name of "love".

Posted by: Edward Lunny at February 14, 2008 11:37 AM

"..separating men from their money..."

...but...but...Edward! Isn't that what we womyn were *born* for???


I am not feeling the love here!

Posted by: Cupid's Dart at February 14, 2008 12:00 PM

Jeez...I should have read that reply better before posting it.
"Isn't that what we womyn were *born* for??? "...good lord, I hope not. My wife isn't.
"I am not feeling the love here!"....well,you're not my lover, and I'm not into sharing. I understand the sentiment with this day, but, it seems to be such a contrivance, so artificial, and just another money making opportunity at the expense of true passion and love. My point is that ,if you really do love your partner, why wait for such a fabricated day to show it ? Little things every day go so much further and are far more honest than a big splash once a year.

Posted by: Edward Lunny at February 14, 2008 12:48 PM


It is no fun messing with you if you're not going to play along!

My point is that ,if you really do love your partner, why wait for such a fabricated day to show it ? Little things every day go so much further and are far more honest than a big splash once a year.

Seriously, you are (of course, being male) correct. However, being that we all do tend to get caught up in the daily routine and forget to show our appreciation for each other, a big splash now and then never hurts either.

Personally, I'm all in favor of holidays, rituals, and traditions. What I am NOT in favor of is turning them into an excuse for tears and recriminations if someone forgets or gets busy. I think if you're generally considerate the other 364 days a year, the fact that you didn't get a card or candy on Valentine's Day isn't going to be a big deal. There are years when my husband hasn't had time and I've never minded in the least because he is incredibly thoughtful most of the time. It's when you have a long track record of being inconsiderate that screwing up on a major holiday or birthday comes back to bite you on the tuckus.

Your S.O. will forgive it the other 364 days of the year, but she figures "Wow. I can understand that most days he is busy working. But everybody on earth understands this one day is set aside to tell the person you love, that you care and he couldn't be bothered? WTF?"

And there is some justice in that, if you haven't bothered the rest of the year, because it's just one more symptom someone couldn't care less what is important to their partner, just as it would be unacceptable for a wife to stop having sex with her husband b/c she wasn't particularly in the mood.

Posted by: Cupid's Dart at February 14, 2008 01:03 PM

Valentine's Day is the dopiest holiday ever, but it's one that carries severe consequences for dopes like me. But rather than just wish you all a "Happy Valentine's Day" and hope you don't choke on one of those dopey sugar candy hearts that say dopey things on them ("I WUV YOU!!!!"), I thought that I'd tell you a story about what true love really means.

One cold Valentine's Day a little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's. The elderly man and woman stood out amid the young families and younger couples scattered throught the restaturant.

As the elderly gentleman removed his wife's coat and assisted her into the cramped booth, you couldalso tell what the other diners were thinking: "Look, there's a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more. How wonderful to see such real love on this Valentines Day."

The little old man walked up to counter and placed his order without any hesitation. He paid for paid for their meal and, after stopping for napkins and straws and utensils, made his way back to the table where his wife sat, calmly watching him the entire time.

He slid into the seat next to her and began removing the food from the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. He put two straws into the drink and offered it to his wife, who took a small sip, and passd the cup back to her husband.

The little old man then unwrapped the hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully divided the french fries into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

You could almost hear the other people in the restaurant sighing "Awwwww, look at them! They share everything together. Such is true love!"

As time went on, however, it was clear that, while the old gentleman was enjoying his meal, his wife had yet to touch her food. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

After some prodding from his girlfriend, a young man came over and asked the couple if they would allow him to let him buy them another meal.

"Thank you, young man, but no." the old woman responded, "We are used to sharing everything."

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand his girlfriend's glare no longer and asked the elderly couple again. "won't you please let me buy you each another meal? Anything you want. Please?"

After the little old lady again politely refused, the exasperated young man finally asked the her,

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you and your husband share everything, but you haven't touched your portion."

"I'm waiting" she replied kindly.

"Waiting?" the young man asked. "Waiting for what?"

She answered,

"The teeth."

Posted by: spd rdr at February 14, 2008 01:27 PM

He says these things to endear himself to the womynfolk :p


Posted by: Cassandra at February 14, 2008 01:43 PM

I really really hate coming here and not seeing true love. You know, the kind that we should have a global orgasm for. Peace, Global warming. That sort of thing.

Instead it is this carping and whining about once a year mating rituals that would drive Mr. Spock into the arms of a Klingon. Why are we so repressed?

Posted by: Betazedsofthewildwomen Nebula at February 14, 2008 01:45 PM

Since I don't have one this year, here is Valentines Poem for those who deserve it, hate it, or need one to inflict upon someone else:

On dees daze,
We wuv two expwess,
Our gwatitood an afwexion,
In most wuvving terms,

I wuv you!
Wif all me 'eart!
Wif all me soul!
Wif all me art!
E'en tho we donts needs too,
We shold neever be apart!
An' so I wote dis poem.
T' insure a good night's start.

Weez buys youz a boxa candy,
An' we pluck da rose from th' bush,
Weez thinkof sweet thingz t' say,
So youz flirtz an batz an gush.

An' on me honor,
Weez dooz ourz best,
t' hear th' yes,
that we'z desire t' hear.
On' diz Valentines day yea,
An' on every day of th' year.

Happy Valentines Day!

Posted by: Kevin L at February 14, 2008 01:49 PM

" What I am NOT in favor of is turning them into an excuse for tears and recriminations if someone forgets or gets busy "....unfortunately all of the hoopla and over-emphasis is what frequently drives this kind of reaction. Holidays are great times to get together with, and spend time with friends and family. What holidays are not about, today in particular, and shouldn't be about, is the unreasonable injection of unrealistic expectations. Today, in particular, seems to be victimised by that too often.
"It is no fun messing with you if you're not going to play along!" I'll play, but I still ain't sharing.

Posted by: Edward Lunny at February 14, 2008 01:51 PM

" Global warming. That sort of thing."....well you know, that global warming thing? Stick it where the sun don't shine...global warming solved.
"Why are we so repressed ?" ....who's repressed ? I ain't repressed !..I got your repressed right here pal !

Posted by: Edward Lunny at February 14, 2008 01:56 PM

OMG! It's Valentine's Day?!

Posted by: bthun aka Mud at February 14, 2008 02:40 PM

It seems that Mr. Ed needs a session with a Rite of Ascension to gain a Higher Consciousness!

*bustles around, getting pain sticks and Kinky Klingon B&D wear ready*


Posted by: Betazoid Chalice of Reeks at February 14, 2008 03:47 PM

Valentine's Day is all fine and dandy, I suppose, if you have a Valentine. If you don't, you're kinda left out into the cold. And while the little treat of Hershey's Kisses, a fancy chocolate chip cookie and a few Slim Jim's (??) from Mom (& Dad, I suppose) is nice, that's not what all the hub-bub on this day is about. There really isn't a place for the single soul today. No flowers, no candy, no romantic dinner, or whatever else couples do on this day. Valentine's Day? TTHHPPPTT!

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at February 14, 2008 04:09 PM

Miss Ladybug,

My dear Walkin' Boss would be fixing you up if you were 'round heah'... If place of that, I'll offer this little tune that always keeps me looking at the bright side. And encourage you to remember that there are many, many good souls out there. All things happen in their own time.

In my case, I might even grow me a Fu Manchu...

Posted by: bthun aka Mud at February 14, 2008 04:53 PM

"It seems that Mr. Ed needs a session with a Rite of Ascension to gain a Higher Consciousness!"....Is that anything like Obamahysteria ?.....hmmmm thank you , but, no, not interested in that.

Posted by: Edward Lunny at February 14, 2008 05:37 PM

Oh, I have absolutley no use for Obamahysteria. It intereferes with the positronic vibes.

*giggles madly*

Posted by: Betazed at February 14, 2008 06:11 PM

Aphrodisiacs? Interesting you should mention that.

Market America down in Miami was talking about releasing a Prime Time for women by Valentine's Day.

This was the one marketed for men

The ingredient list is pretty funny if you actually read it. The use of medicinal herbs from the Orient was also an interesting touch along with the "Electile Dysfunction" post made by John.

I tried finding that product on the site, but MA's search function wasn't adequate and won't be until Google finishes the partnership deal.

Posted by: Ymarsakar at February 14, 2008 06:30 PM

I think my most favoritest scene in Zorro, The Gay Blade was George Hamilton asking Brenda Vaccaro what her husband, the Alcalde, used for
an aphrodisiac.

Then her husband reminding her they had two more months to go until their grand night.

I need to see if that movie is available on Netflix....

Posted by: Cricket at February 14, 2008 07:44 PM

Since it's Friday for you yet still Valentine's Day here, I propose Valen-Friday Lyrics:
(yeah, it's Rascal Flatts 0>;~} )

Sounds like a scene from the silver screen
Yeah, thats how it was
Love doesn't always look like a picture perfect story book
Ah, but sometimes it does

Standing beside her, the stars shine even brighter
And for a moment all the world was, all the world was still
I knew we belonged together the moment my eyes met hers
I thought nothing lasts forever, but maybe this one will

A deep breath and baby steps
That's how the whole thing starts
It's a long slow beautiful dance
To the beat of a heart

The world starts to spin again
You learn things you didnt know then
Feels like the bloom is off the rose
But you weather a few storms and you pulled out a few thorns
And together the garden grows and grows

The house is filled with so much love
We've got more than enough for two
So we've been thinking about having a baby
I know it sounds crazy
But it seems like the natural thing to do

A deep breath and baby steps
That's how the whole thing starts
It's a long slow beautiful dance
To the beat of a heart

It's a long slow beautiful dance, my friend.

Posted by: Sly2017 at February 15, 2008 01:45 AM

"It intereferes with the positronic vibes."....Maybe it needs new batteries ? Perhaps a tachyron vibe would be more efficient.

Posted by: Edward Lunny at February 15, 2008 10:06 AM

Tachyon pulse emitter...must try that.

Off to Betazed and the Pleasure Planet Raisa.

I wonder how much of Bloom County inspired ST Next Gen.

Posted by: Betazoid at February 15, 2008 10:51 AM

I would like to know why the vacation planet Raisa was named after Gorby's wife.

Posted by: DeepQuestions II at February 15, 2008 10:53 AM