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March 26, 2008

Coffee Snorterz: Caged Panda Heat Edition

Thong, thong of the Thoughth
Thweet potato pie and a shut my mouth
Gone, gone with the wind
Ain't nobody lookin' back again

The Princess is late to this party. She did notice it yesterday, but inexplicably her employer seems reluctant to fork over a paycheck if she doesn't put in this thing called "work"...

Go figure. But while the blog princess labors under the eye of Phoebus in a vain attempt to cram her mouth with distressful bread, the assembled villainry will be glad to know the Balance of the Universe is preserved. Somewhere in a sandbox far, far away, BillT is still fiddling about with women's undergarments:

On the bright side, our USAF Official PX/BX Thong Monitor reports that two-thirds of the thongs nestled coyly between the SWAT-style pistol lanyards and the "Writes Underwater!™" Pens appear to have been purchased. Back to you, Cassie.

On the even-brighter side, the warmer weather (it hit 35C at 1000) has encouraged those contractors of the female persuasion to dress in a somewhat breezier style, resulting in some amusing near-collisions in the chow hall between guys paying more attention to the scenery than to the guardrails lining the salad bar at just-below-belt-buckle level...

Now excuse the Princess while she runs like Helk.

Since we're on the subject of Things Stranger Than Thongs in the PX, we feel it Extremely Important to broach the much neglected subject of Panda Sex:

Panda porn, aphrodisiac herbs, online dating and even Viagra have been tried - now the world's most notoriously shy animals are taking up 'sexercise' to boost their libido.

Pandas at a Chinese research centre are being encouraged to get down and get funky in the hope of improving their sex lives.

We are sorry, but if the ursine denizens of the Washington Zoo start sporting thongs, we're outta here. Sadly, the madness doesn't end here:

Regular readers of this site may remember that several months ago, we covered the story of the sexually incompetent panda at a zoo in Thailand, who was being shown panda porn to get them [sic] ready for breeding.

Well, now video has emerged of exactly what the panda's sex education sessions look like - and it turns out that he gets shown the porn while in a small cage, with photographers looking on, and men pointing to the screen and telling him to watch it.

Just the thing to put you in the mood.

We are speechless. Well, actually we can think of plenty to say, but we'll spare you. Maybe they could try naming the pandas more creatively. We hear it does wonders for their productivity. Here are a few suggestions:

Cholera Peace
Ghoul Nipple
Ima Whore
Hugh Jass
Fanny Whiffer
Emma Royd
Noble Butt
Naught E. Bishop

Or there's always our personal favorite, "Female" (pronounced "fee-mah-lee") Childs. Feel free to suggest a name for our tragically unlibidinous panda friend in the comments section. The winner shall receive a stuffed marmoset by parcel post.

Posted by Cassandra at March 26, 2008 05:57 AM

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Now excuse the Princess while she runs like Helk.

Tsk. Any excuse to display her shapely ankles.

Hope the new thong doethn't thlip...

Posted by: BillT at March 26, 2008 07:03 AM

Maybe they could try naming the pandas more creatively.

My Ding-a-Ling-Ling?

With abject apologies to Chuck Berry...

Posted by: BillT at March 26, 2008 07:07 AM

Obviously the Chinese pr0n perveyors are not regular readers of this site. Not a disco ball in site. And while there is a *jungle* gym, where's the egg salad? I mean seriously, they're already dressed in their best (albeit distincly furry) *French Maid* outfits, where is the champaigne and cherries?
Where's Hugh Hefner's progeny when you need them?

Posted by: Snarkammando at March 26, 2008 11:00 AM

Hoping this will help. Always willing to do my part.

My name submission:
Limp ah Long

Posted by: Cricket at March 26, 2008 11:15 AM

> Here are a few suggestions:

What, no "Buk Nekkid"? No "Hari Testikles"?

C'mon, folks, where's the sexual inspiration!?!?!?


Posted by: obloodyhell at March 26, 2008 06:43 PM

You could also go with "Oliver Clothesoff" or "Amanda Hugginkiss" and my personal favorite, "Heywood U. Cuddleme".

AH, Simpsons humor! Gotta love it!

Posted by: HomefrontSix at March 26, 2008 10:01 PM

Naw, you've got it all wrong. Testikles was the greek god of brash overconfidence, also known as "ballsiness".

Testikles could always be identified by a "gonging" sound when he approached. After all, it was well-known that he had two big brass ones, and that they would clang together when he walked.:)

Posted by: a former european at March 27, 2008 12:40 AM

Unbearable. :-)

Posted by: camojack at March 27, 2008 03:58 AM

The Snarky Readery is full of sloth.

Posted by: Cricket at March 27, 2008 10:19 AM

Ci Alis Snicker

HeyJo Wi Eas-Lee

Orley Rumpus

Miss Bardall

Willie Maker

Betty Dont

Nochekup Rotchamanoff

Noboder Nockin Efbamboorockin

Posted by: Smokey Da Bear at March 27, 2008 11:58 AM

"Testikles was the greek god of brash overconfidence, also known as "ballsiness".
He had a descendant in the early part of the 20th century named Glass... The story goes that if Mr. Glass trousers were tight to the point of causing friction among the brass ones they would play Stormy Weather and lightning would exit the arse of Mr. Glass.

Or so said that perennial favorite at frat houses across the nation, one Doug Clarke and the Hot Nuts.

Thus is a myth born(e).

Uh oh, it's getting cloudy!

Posted by: The Weather Man at March 27, 2008 12:21 PM

American Digest also has a funny post about this subject.


Posted by: Ymarsakar at March 27, 2008 04:46 PM