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April 25, 2008

Ass of Life Poetry Slam Results

Try not to faint. The princess has actually deigned to judge one of her contests... and in timely fashion, too. Don't get used to it.

First place honors go to Sly for this clever little verse, which the Princess found even funnier after looking at some photos of herself in a very clingy long dress (Carrie will know which ones, and no it wasn't 10 pounds!). But oh yeah... baby's got back:

Exclamatory shrieks herald
A loss of profound note.
Incredulous me
Says this cannot be
But you swear the scales so quote.
Lost! You retort,
The ten pound tire you acquired
On that Parisian junket.
Nay, I *sort*,
Look behind you...
You'll find it.

Cricket scored the second place booty with this fulsome verse:

The ass of life is like a mooned maid
Whose dusky cheek doth blush
At reference to her fulsome tush
In its appearance, lush.

Odes and sonnets are written of it.
Men weep when it jiggles past.
"Oh that I could but touch it once..
but it sashays off too fast."

bthun played on the Blog Princess' well-known love for the Bard with this riff on Romeo and Juliet for the third place prize:

SCENE II. PhiaGayBarville

But, soft! what light through yonder form-fit slacks breaks?
It is the southern hemisphere, and Ass of Life is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious Hill moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my tookus, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her cheeks discourses; I will answer them.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me they speak:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat their supple softness,
To twinkle in their spheres till they return
What if those dimples were there, they in their hip-huggers?
The brightness of her cheeks would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her cheeks in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheeks upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch those cheeks!

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Instead I shout, I grabbed her ass.

Posted by: Willy Reduxspear

Lots of great entries - it was great fun reading them this morning, and hard to choose only three winners. Thanks to everyone who played!

Posted by Cassandra at April 25, 2008 05:43 AM

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But only Gilbert and Sullivan could set it to music.
From Patience:
"There will be too much of me in the coming by-and-by."

Posted by: Tom Johnson at April 25, 2008 08:22 AM

What does it say about your readership, m'lady, that they do wax so eloquently upon the caboose?

Posted by: spd rdr at April 25, 2008 09:59 AM

Don't get cheeky with me, mr rdr.

Posted by: Cassandra at April 25, 2008 10:11 AM

Are you trying to give me the bum's rush? Why, you'll see the backside of my hand before this thread bottoms out.

Posted by: spd rdr at April 25, 2008 10:28 AM

Now see here - I'm not sticking around here to be the butt of your jokes any longer!

Posted by: Cassandra at April 25, 2008 10:37 AM

In hindsight it might have been as[s]certained that such a thread could come to no good end... So let's all join in a Friday toast to skinny tukii, derriere-igables and everything in betwix...

Posted by: bthun at April 25, 2008 11:15 AM

I assume that means there won't be a trivet flying at my head in retaliation for the second one....right?

Posted by: DL Sly at April 25, 2008 11:39 AM

Sly ~ I'd be careful never to ASSume anything around here. Might get your ass in a sling.

Posted by: Devil in search of trouble at April 25, 2008 04:42 PM

It's sit's permanently in a sling that hands from the corner right by my pointy hat. Sometimes Carrie comes to visit, and she always brings the guacamole. I just wish the beer-gram would get here.....

Posted by: DL Sly at April 26, 2008 12:02 AM

Beer-gram? I want one! But the calories would probably go to my ass. Which, given it's state of relative non-existence, might be a good thing!

Posted by: Devil in search of trouble at April 26, 2008 03:50 AM

*sitting this one out, too*

Posted by: BillT at April 26, 2008 12:59 PM

Chicken? Bock bock..

Posted by: Devil in search of trouble at April 26, 2008 09:41 PM

Chicken? bock bock...

Posted by: HomefrontSix at April 26, 2008 09:42 PM

Did you hear about the surgical management of the two patients who were suffering from apparently self-inserted foreign bodies? I was there it was a real crack-up.

Hahahaha... I kill me.

But then I can afford to be a little cheeky.

Posted by: Dr. Harden Stuhl at April 27, 2008 01:04 AM

Chicken? Bock bock..
Posted by: Devil in search of trouble at April 26, 2008 09:41 PM
Chicken? bock bock...
Posted by: HomefrontSix at April 26, 2008 09:42 PM

Was that an echoic hint for me to get my ass in gear and go for beer?

Yeah, yeah, I *know* what "anechoic" means...

Posted by: BillT at April 27, 2008 11:36 AM

No - it was my computer's tendency to crap out in the middle of posting a comment. Then, when I didn't see it once I managed to get it's ass in gear, I realized that I hadn't fixed my display name and then I reposted. *sigh*

Beer sounds good. I doubt you can find any (legal, that is) where you are. How about when you get back?

Posted by: HomefrontSix at April 27, 2008 06:20 PM

And here I thought Grim was the only one who wrote body lyrics. I had forgotten about that contest...


Posted by: Cricket at May 4, 2008 09:22 PM

Glad to see you've paid your attention bill for the month, Cricket.

Posted by: DL Sly at May 5, 2008 08:08 PM