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April 02, 2008


Well, we must say that in a campaign that has seen far too much overwrought rhetoric, this is a breath of fresh air:

I have a spare few minutes, so let me make my moral stand clear for all of 23/6's readers:

Murdering Hillary Clinton is not the best way to resolve the Democratic presidential primary.

I understand how tempting it is to resolve the slow-motion train wreck that is the Democratic primary process through an act of pre-meditated murder. Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, and more than once. There is, for one thing, the fact that Hillary Clinton is so supremely annoying. The way she unleashes that insincere cackle when she can't answer a question. The insidious, calculated subtexts of her public statements and political ads. The sheer audacity of her attempt to manipulate a victory even though she's lost the delegate count fair and square. All of this just drives me up the f***in' wall.

On a deeper level, there is the fact that whenever men express their annoyance with Hillary, as I have just done, it tends to infuriate large numbers of women, confirming for them the base sexism that festers beneath the surface in our culture, causing a great amount of hurt, and perpetuating feelings of anger and resentment among the majority of the population.

Really, has any one woman ever caused so many problems for our country? Jesus God. Believe me, I sometimes think that if Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi wanted to make a few calls--hey, I'm just saying; I could be persuaded to look the other way.

But then I step back and take a look at the bigger picture. When we are honest, I think we can agree that we owe the Democratic process more than ending the closest primary contest in popular memory with the murder of one of the contestants. Although it might seem like a satisfying solution, the long-term consequences would be bad for the Democratic party.

Think about the message it would send to future Democratic presidential contenders. We already have a process that selects for candidates who believe they are above the risks of humiliation and personal destruction inherent in running for high political office. Now we want to winnow that field down to people who think they are immortal? No thanks.

Murdering Clinton would also be bad for the process as a whole. It would be difficult, I think, if we ended the Democratic primary by murdering one of the candidates, to unify the party for the general election. There would be the inevitable accusations and countercharges--whose idea it was, who paid who, how much and when, and whether it was beneath the dignity of the political process--that it would be hard to focus on beating John McCain in the fall.

Of course, as a political columnist, who flies his humble flag in the shifting winds of public opinion, I don't want to rule anything out. So let me close by saying that if, as Samantha Power has suggested, Hillary Clinton is some sort of monster--that is, if she is some kind of brain-dead zombie who will stop at nothing to get what she wants, eats the brains of the dead for sustenance, and is impervious to flesh wounds and blood loss, I'm willing to reconsider.

But, for now, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, hear me loud and clear: I know I speak for millions of Democratic voters when I say that if you can please find a way to end the Democratic primary and unify the party behind Barack Obama without murdering anyone, that would be our first preference.

Posted by Cassandra at April 2, 2008 08:09 AM

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Great. Now for the rest of the day I'm going to have spinning in my head the image of Nancy "Clemenza" Pelosi telling Harry "Rocco" Reid to "Leave the gun, take the canoli."

Is this fun or what?

Posted by: spd rdr at April 2, 2008 11:53 AM

Modern Chicago politics, being the unwanted off-spring of Al Capone, in a manner of speaking, would best be served by making Hillary an offer she can't refuse. At least that's what I think this Democrat guy is saying.

Just sayin'.

"You can get a lot more with a kind word and a gun than just a kind word" -attributed to Al Capone.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at April 2, 2008 12:16 PM

"Murdering Hillary Clinton is not the best way to resolve the Democratic presidential primary.

I understand how tempting it is to resolve the slow-motion train wreck that is the Democratic primary process through an act of pre-meditated murder. Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind, and more than once.

You can rest assured that NOBODY has EVER thought of this in connection with GWB ... NOBODY.

yea, right ...

Posted by: John Galt at April 2, 2008 01:45 PM

Your remote reptilian ancestors are coming out. See, e.g., http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/LIEHUM.html

Posted by: John Galt at April 2, 2008 01:47 PM

No way, killing her is just wishful thinking. She cannot be slain by normal means. Think of the Jason character in all those Friday the 13th horror movies. The peope always THINK they have killed him, but the creature just rises again to cause more evil.

Legend has it that a secret ritual can lay her unholy life to rest, but this is unproven. IIRC, the ritual involved a wooden stake through the heart, dousing with Holy Water, beheading, shooting the head with silver bullets, and burning the remaining pieces on holy, consecrated ground.

Posted by: a former european at April 2, 2008 02:39 PM

I believe our Progressyve friend was having a little joke at our expense :p

At any rate, I thought the piece was well written and funny. I don't think anyone is seriously advocating killing Hillary (and I've never had anything nasty to say about her). I'm not really familiar with the ins and outs of the Dems' travails this election season, but I took the piece to be a send-up of the ridiculous and anti-democratic calls for her to bow out of the campaign.

It is only April, and it's a close race. For a bunch of people who were screeching bloody murder about disenfranchisement just a short while ago, the irony is palpable.

Posted by: Cass at April 2, 2008 02:45 PM

I'm glad to see you got your books off to the publisher.

Posted by: John Galt at April 2, 2008 02:53 PM

Nah. Don't kill her. First of all, she wouldn't die - as evinced by the fact that she hasn't yet and I'm sure Bill tried a few times.

Besides, if she is killed off, we wouldn't have the pleasure of watching the Democratic party implode and take BHO with it. And I just finished popping my popcorn.

Posted by: HomefrontSix at April 2, 2008 03:22 PM

Apparently, there's quite a dustup over at the Daily Kos with Clinton supporters boycotting the site over the ugly actions of the Obama supporters.

heh.....that's just funny.

Posted by: Carrie at April 2, 2008 03:54 PM

Deep, deep irony.

Imagine. Ugly things being said on the Daily Kos. What is the world coming to?

Do you like a lot of butter on your popcorn? Salt?

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at April 2, 2008 04:23 PM

Off topic (and I do apologize for that), but I had to share this with Ms. Cass:


Posted by: MikeD at April 2, 2008 04:24 PM

How can a marmoset be "illegal?" Undocumented marmosets are just trying to make ends meet and provide a better life for their hungry marmoset families. Just because they don't speak English, pay taxes, or wear clothes doesn't give you fascists any right to discriminate against them. Besides, they're cute when stuffed.

Posted by: spd rdr at April 2, 2008 04:57 PM

Wherever marmosets are being repressed, there you will find....

spr spd rdr: defender of oppressed varmintry :p

Posted by: Cass at April 2, 2008 05:23 PM

Varmits?! I'll have you know that my clients are a bunch of monkeys!

(I've secretly always wanted to say that.)

Posted by: spd rdr at April 2, 2008 06:01 PM

So....does that mean you're conducting monkey business?

Posted by: DL-Sly at April 2, 2008 06:28 PM

Ju laff, but ess frightening to have to stand en front of Banana Republic ebree day jus hopin dat some Senorita will fall en luf wit you and take ju home to a nice little abode weeth lots of tropical plants and fruit so dat you will be able to provide a better lif for jur leetle marmosetees...

Jees remeember dat eets no fun... Der but for a DNA strand or two go I...

Posted by: Juan de undocumented Marmoset at April 2, 2008 07:21 PM

Oh, I dunno...how's about we give it a try? :-)

Posted by: camojack at April 3, 2008 03:45 AM

I'll have you know that my clients are a bunch of monkeys!

You are too clever by half, big guy :p

And regarding this:

does that mean you're conducting monkey business?

Only when he's awake, Sly. Only when he's awake...

Posted by: Cass at April 3, 2008 07:46 AM