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April 02, 2008

Wholly Scripture

The Holy Bible, as interpreted by children answering questions on a test of the Old and New Testament at a Roman Catholic Elementary school. Pay close attention to the spelling. In many cases it's priceless:

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Posted by Cassandra at April 2, 2008 07:13 AM

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Comments

Kids still say the darndest things. Reminded me of the old Art Linkletter show.

Hilarious in it's accuracy...

Posted by: vet66 at April 2, 2008 10:30 AM

Absolutely priceless. #3 and #9 were top billing for me with #25 coming in a close second with a healthy chuckle.

Posted by: Allen at April 2, 2008 11:36 AM

"20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE."

And the next miracle would be when Cassandra finally judged a caption contest.

*skipping away through the trees, breeze and orange blossoms*
0>;~}

Posted by: DL-Sly at April 2, 2008 11:46 AM

I know, I know.

I'm sorry. Just let me finally get these books off to the publisher and I'll try to catch up. The last two months have been a nightmare.

Posted by: Cass at April 2, 2008 11:48 AM

Now you know I'm just snarkin'.......
Isn't that what you pay me for?

Oh wait, you don't pay me....

Guess I won't be putting this gig down on a resume anytime soon.
*sicker*
*sort sort*
0>;~}

Posted by: DL-Sly at April 2, 2008 12:13 PM

I liked Number 4.

I think that explains circumcision, don't you?

And DL-Sly needs "n" like spd rdr needs a vowel.

*sicker*
*sort* ?

Or maybe she is just a sicker sort of person. Probably troubled by her ....never mind.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at April 2, 2008 12:20 PM

I don't know why, but #3 just destroyed me. I also liked 24 and 25.

Posted by: Cass at April 2, 2008 12:52 PM

Holy Acrimony, Batgirl!

Get thee to a wedding chapel!

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at April 2, 2008 01:45 PM

I think that I ascended that same school. Shocked, shocked I was by #17! Makes me pander what Joseph must've thought.

And #4, yeeeouch! Wasn't a self-help first-aid tome written in the 70's on that topic?

Heheh, I know that this would have left a protruded grin on Art Linkletter's face.

Posted by: Norm Crosby at April 2, 2008 01:47 PM

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Amen.

Posted by: John Galt at April 2, 2008 02:54 PM

Don,
I was hoping a guy would offer up that analogy for #4. That was my first thought, too, but discretion directed me to leave it, um...dangling.

And as to the lack of n's, let's just say it's an internet idiom indigenous to VC. In other words, Cass misspelled it once and being the good friend I am, I keep her on her toes -- by reminding her every chance I get.
heh
0>;~}

Posted by: DL-Sly at April 2, 2008 03:34 PM

In other words, Cass misspelled it once...

Actually, the "n" snagged on the trivet during a particularly energetic *flounce*...

Posted by: BillT at April 5, 2008 11:35 AM

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