May 09, 2008
Desperately Seeking Barney
We are sure you have all been wondering where the Blog Princess disappeared to the other day? Well, finally it can be revealed.
It is a riveting tale, full of sound, fury, desperate yearnings and Giant Princess-Eating Spiders From Hell. In the wee hours of the morning, your hostess donned her game face and tripped off through the Beltway traffic to quench her mad, unrequited passion for the First Pooch.
On her way in, the Princess tried her best to look suspicious and up to something. After all we've heard from the likes of Keith Olbermann about draconian security measures and innocent civilians being whisked off to Gitmo to have the frilly panties of fascism pulled over their frantically protesting heads to the undulating strains of Christina Aguilera CDs, it seemed not unlikely that with the right behavior, she ought be able to get herself pulled aside and frisked by one of those good-looking young Secret Service agents at the gate. But to her chagrin, the big bullies had the temerity to call her "Ma'am" and politely wave her through the line.
Whatever. The nerve of some people... and with all the taxes she paid, too.
In previous visits to the Big House, the Princess had a close encounter with the Commander in Chief of the war on terriers. We exchanged barks down a long hallway, but she was unable to convince him to abandon his watch. Perhaps this time would be different? Perhaps this was to be her lucky day?
The sun was shining on the South Lawn, illuminating gaily decorated picnic tables bedecked with red and white tablecloths. As she loaded her plate with a luscious array of fresh fruit and a to-die-for cheese empanada, her eyes scanned the crowd search for a glimpse of that rakish, devil-may-care fellow who made her heart beat faster. But he was nowhere to be seen.
After a brief petite dejeuner, the Princess, Carrie, Cyndi and a new friend the Princess met on her way into the fete (Gloria) strolled over to greet a few friends. There was HF6, munching away on goodies.
About 6 feet behind her stood Secretary Gates. Her back was to the Secretary of Defense.
Pau was Hawaii casual. Perhaps Blue Hawaii casual. "Yeah.... whatever. We do this sort of thing all the time. The SecDef and I... yanno...we're peeps. If I pay too much attention to him, he'll probably want to TALK to me... [yawn]. Men..."
The SecDef was quite good looking in person. Much better than the way he looks on TV. He also struck the Princess as being extremely patient and gracious. He gave a short introductory speech, and then the President arrived with the guests of honor.
Still no Barney. Grrr.
As the Princess sat quietly listening to the President's speech, she espied an enormous, woman-eating spider crawling up the back of the person at the table directly in front of her. Frantically she looked around for one of those worthless Secret Service agents.
But isn't that just like a man? Never around when you want one, always sticking their noses into your business when the MasterCard bill shows up. Taking matters into her own hand, she leapt to her feet and wrestled the Giant, Woman-eating Spider to the ground, it's 8 legs thrashing violently. Dusting her hands off, she quietly returned to her seat as though saving perfect strangers from ginormous arachnids were nothing out of the ordinary.
Still no Barney.
Moments later, she felt a nudge. HF6 whispered in her ear:
"Dear Lord WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE... THE GIANT WOMAN-EATING SPIDER IS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR YOUR JUGULAR!"
It was true. The Giant Princess-Eating Spider From Hell was on a collision course with my left toe, making a beeline (OK fine - a spiderline) straight across the lawn towards my foot. And_not_a_Secret_Service_Agent_in_sight, thank you very much.
And still no Barney.
That's it. Barney and I are through. The Princess cannot keep desperately hanging around 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue like some deranged groupie, wrestling with oversized insects in the hopes of one day being noticed by a diminutive pooch.
She has her pride, you know. And there is always Barneycam.
Posted by Cassandra at May 9, 2008 06:38 AM
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What? You braved the fifth circle of Hades (aka I-270), and no Barney was proffered?
I wouldn't be surprised, though, if the canapés that the princess sampled were lovingly made by my next door neighbor down in P.G. County. He's been tending to his craft down at that Public Housing Project since the Second Reagan Administration. The stories he has about their past and present residents...
Posted by: Boquisucio at May 9, 2008 08:57 AM
I know your pain sister. I too have a difficult time getting noticed when I visit the White House. It is like they no I'm no threat.
Posted by: man riding unicycle naked at May 9, 2008 09:05 AM
Had a close encounter with an opilionid, eh?
Posted by: BillT at May 9, 2008 09:14 AM
Last I heard, Unkabill, The Brown Recluses were busily digging Koi Ponds up in Mercer County.
Posted by: Boquisucio at May 9, 2008 09:18 AM
I'm sorry about the dog -- a good dog makes my day, too -- but it otherwise sounds like fun.
Posted by: Grim at May 9, 2008 09:21 AM
Did you try "HERE BARNEY...COME HERE BOY..BARNEY!!!"
That sometimes works.
Posted by: Pile On at May 9, 2008 09:29 AM
I was thinking more *Daddy Longlegs*, Boq.
*cue Fred Astaire*
Posted by: BillT at May 9, 2008 09:33 AM
I am reminded of the time my arachnophobic wife woke me from a sound sleep by screaming and running into the bedroom crying, "There's a spider as big as my head in the kitchen, and it was talking to me!"
Well, with an introduction like that, I had to see this goliath spider that had developed the powers of speach (and no doubt opposable thumbs as well). Sure enough, there was a daddy longlegs in there. I escorted him from the house and all was well.
Posted by: MikeD at May 9, 2008 10:48 AM
Maybe next time you could try sneaking in a dog whistle? You're sure to end up with either Barney or Helen Thomas.
Posted by: Janette at May 9, 2008 10:53 AM
No Barney? You wuz robbed!
Posted by: MaryAnn at May 9, 2008 10:58 AM
Ambidextrous assaults against aggressive arachnids? Amazing! And awesome! Auspicious accomplishments à-go-go.
Posted by: Ministry of Miscellaneous Phobias at May 9, 2008 12:39 PM
The social adroitness of the Blog Princess is legend. Multitasking her way through an appreciation pique-nique by killing spiders, greeting friends, eating and looking for a Delightful Doggy is way more than I can deal with.
I am exhausted just reading about it.
Posted by: Cricket at May 9, 2008 12:51 PM
next time wear a meat suit. Works.
Posted by: Buckin' For Corpse at May 9, 2008 02:23 PM
You are *so* dead. But then you knew that, didn't you?
Posted by: Cassandra at May 9, 2008 03:03 PM
Janette... that was cruel :p
Accurate.... But so cruel. Heh.
Posted by: Cassandra at May 9, 2008 03:04 PM
Not only was there no Barney, there was no Flat-MaryAnn either.
Though there was a General CARTWRIGHT, wasn't there Carrie...?
Posted by: HomefrontSix at May 9, 2008 06:57 PM
I have photos to send you :) Check your mail in a few...
Posted by: Cassandra at May 9, 2008 07:00 PM
sigh....yes, Gen. CARTWRIGHT was definitely there.
Posted by: Carrie at May 10, 2008 09:29 AM
You will notice that *I* didn't go there, girlfriend :p
And MaryAnn was there in spirit! I can't help it if my printer choked on the jpg!
Thank God for those paddle fans :p (if there's one thing Marine wives can do, it's improvise).
Posted by: Cassandra at May 10, 2008 09:43 AM
Did you try "HERE BARNEY...COME HERE BOY..BARNEY!!!"
Posted by: Cassandra at May 10, 2008 09:44 AM
As I wrote in an email...as soon as I found out that Gen. CARTWRIGHT was Marine Corps Lite (the Airwing)I giggled even harder..:)
Posted by: Carrie at May 10, 2008 09:46 AM
"You will notice that *I* didn't go there..."
Well, that's why you didn't see Barney!
Sheesh, do I haf'ta explain everything to you?
Posted by: DL Sly at May 10, 2008 01:49 PM
Posted by: Cassandra at May 10, 2008 02:08 PM
Well, Carrie, then you should have worn the Warrant Officer hair clip!
I'm pretty sure Barney was in a secure location with Dick Cheney...
Posted by: HomefrontSix at May 10, 2008 02:59 PM
Since "/" means to end something in encoding, that mean you are no longer smacking me, right? Although, I'm not sure exactly when it started...
Posted by: DL Sly at May 10, 2008 09:07 PM
Posted by: BillT at May 11, 2008 04:57 AM
For you? Probably longer than that.
For me? No way......the Princess *loves* me. Who else is going to explain to her that she actually has to go to the White House in order to see Barney? You? Ha! You're too busy trying to keep sand out of your thong and other assorted *fiddly bits*.
Posted by: DL Sly at May 11, 2008 10:58 AM
You're too busy trying to keep sand out of your thong and other assorted *fiddly bits*.
A foul canard!
There's no sand over here -- it's *dust*.
Posted by: BillT at May 11, 2008 12:36 PM
It's not sand and it's not dust. It's dirt, people. D.I.R.T. Dirt. Plain and simple.
I'm STILL trying to get it out of some of MacGyver's clothing/blankets/bags/etc.
As for Barney, the spider scared him. Poor little fellow. Either that or the big, pink hat.
Posted by: HomefrontSix at May 11, 2008 07:10 PM
That's what the dust over here *is*, HF6 -- it's dirt that's been pounded for so many millennia that it makes talcum powder look *coarse*...
Posted by: BillT at May 12, 2008 02:10 AM