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June 16, 2008

Important Polar Bear Annoyance Alert

This morning, the Editorial Staff sprang with alacrity from betwixt freshly laundered, organic bamboo sheets eager to learn the latest doings of that lovable denizen of the ice floes, Knut the Adorable Baby Polar Bear. Last time we heard from our little Liebchen, all was most decidedly not well in paradise:

...the stories of Knut's increasingly embarrassing encounters with bootleg sex tapes, anorexic Czech supermodels, designer drugs, and bad techno music continue to spin out of control, largely thanks to the environmental depredations of an uncaring Bush administration and its inexplicable refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocols. Naturlich, the NY Times laps up every last delicious detail...

As the bear has grown from a virtual living stuffed animal into a 350-pound adolescent, newspapers here have taken issue with everything from Knut’s weight to his sexuality, with one paper asking if the bear is gay. But the most enduring question is the one posed by animal-protection groups from the very beginning: how being hand-raised by humans would affect him when he grew up.

...“With Knut, it’s clear that he has imprinted on humans, and when neither his keeper nor visitors are there he cries out,” said Thomas Pietsch, a biologist and expert on wild animals for the animal-welfare group Four Paws in Germany. Peter H. Arras, a zoologist and animal-protection advocate put it more succinctly: “He’s a psychopath addicted to human attention.”

Mein Gott im Himmell! one day the arrogant Bu$Hitler will rue his crimes against the Multiverse. Dennis Kucinich has sworn it!

Sadly, the viciously specie-ist and human centric policies of the current occupants of the Oval Office continue unabated. Is there no end to the tortures visited upon our unsuspecting fur-brothers? Of all the horrors in an increasingly irritating world, no one could have imagined a fate so cruel, so exquisitely agonizing that it would reduce the strongest among us to a quivering mass of jelly. We are, of course, speaking of the nightmare of Suri Cruise:


After wooing the world with books, magazine covers, and irresistibly cute photos, Knut the polar bear is now being offered a movie deal. The 245lb “symbol of climate change” is currently going through contract negotiations with Hollywood producer Ash R. Shah. The Berlin Zoo is acting on behalf of the bear and sources close to the deal say something in the realm of $5 million is being thrown around for the rights to the animal’s story. From the article,

“The zoo has confirmed local media reports that it is in talks with a Hollywood producer. ‘We are delighted about the interest from Hollywood. It’s unclear when we will sign the contracts. Some details have yet to be sorted out,’ zoo director Bernhard Blaszkiewitz told Bild am Sonntag newspaper. The film will also address the fate of Knut’s brethren living in the wild as global warming threatens their Arctic habitats, Berlin newspapers say.”

Even more bizarre, Shah is pushing hard to have 18-month-old Suri Cruise (daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) be the voice of Knut. We’re placing bets that Suri Cruise would lend her talents to the cuddly 50lb version and not the 245lb present day mega-bear. Said Shah,

“With (Knut’s) friendly character, he’s serves as an ambassador for the Earth’s problems — climate change and the melting polar ice caps. A movie about Knut would affect people all over the world. Suri could speak the English voice of Knut.”

Dear God in heaven, this is an abomination. Have these people no souls? But it doesn't stop there. Not content with torturing poor Knut, the Bush administration is apparently hell bent on wiping polar bears from the very face of the earth! Amazingly, the Associated Press has the scoop. It's all there in black and white:

Companies get OK to annoy polar bears

Hard to believe, isn't it? Read it for yourselves. It's staring you right in the face:

Less than a month after declaring polar bears a threatened species because of global warming, the Bush administration is giving oil companies permission to annoy and potentially harm them in the pursuit of oil and natural gas.

The Fish and Wildlife Service issued regulations this week providing legal protection to seven oil companies planning to search for oil and gas in the Chukchi Sea off the northwestern coast of Alaska if "small numbers" of polar bears or Pacific walruses are incidentally harmed by their activities over the next five years.

Environmentalists said the new regulations give oil companies a blank check to harass the polar bear.

Amazing, isn't it? Of course, you know they'll try to deny that's what they're doing:

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service said oil and gas exploration will have a negligible effect on the bears' population.

"The oil and gas industry in operating under the kind of rules they have operated under for 15 years has not been a threat to the species," H. Dale Hall, the Fish and Wildlife Service's director, told The Associated Press on Friday. "It was the ice melting and the habitat going away that was a threat to the species over everything else."

The agency made no secret that oil and gas operations would continue in polar bear territory when it announced May 14 that melting sea ice threatened the creature's survival. But Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne assured the public that the bear population would not be harmed.

"Polar bears are already protected under the Marine Mammal Protection Act, which has more stringent protections for polar bears than the Endangered Species Act does," Kempthorne said.

Can the Marine Mammal Protection Act shield poor Knut from the evil clutches of Suri Cruise? You tell me.

Pray that Dennis Kucinich acts in time. We need a miracle here, people.

Posted by Cassandra at June 16, 2008 05:50 AM

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It's just awful the way the evil Bu$Hitler is trying to wipe out the polar bears by making their population increase. That Karl Rove is so clever that he can destroy the poor bears by having more of them!

Fortunately, when the wise and wonderful St. Barack becomes President for Life, he will save the polar bears. He will send an army of 'community activist' to get their population back down where it belongs.

Posted by: Schnauzer at June 16, 2008 07:35 AM

Does the Marine Mammal Protection Act require any overseas deployments by the Marines? Are they peacekeepers or is this a combat operation? Aren't they already stretched too thin by their other obligations?

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at June 16, 2008 08:40 AM



Posted by: Whoozit the Obnoxious Fabric Softener Bear at June 16, 2008 08:44 AM

The agency made no secret that oil and gas operations would continue in polar bear territory when it announced May 14 that melting sea ice threatened the creature's survival.

Polar bears eat marine mammals -- seals -- that feed beneath the ice but must find holes in the ice to breathe. Any reduction in the ice cover results in increased breathing opportunity for said seals.

An increase in readily-available seals means an increase in the number of polar bears able to chow down on any given day. Which will probably have the usual result of increasing the polar bear population even further. The younger bears will have to find new hunting grounds.

Just watch what happens when they discover where the baby harp seals hang out...

Posted by: BillT at June 16, 2008 11:13 AM

Just watch what happens when they discover where the baby harp seals hang out...


Posted by: Suri Cruise at June 16, 2008 11:20 AM

Doesn't this mean Polar Bears are in violation of the Marine Mammal Protection Act by eating Marine Mammals?

Maybe the Supremes should weigh in on this.

Posted by: Allen at June 16, 2008 02:56 PM

As I peered into my bowl of cornflakes this morning, I espied a New Penumbral Right floating between the dried cranberries and the kibble-y bits: the right of large, white arctic Bears to claim American citizenship.

I have spoken.

Posted by: Justice "Bears are People Too" Kennedy at June 16, 2008 03:12 PM

large, white arctic Bears

Isn't that the way it always is?

(*&^ racist...

Posted by: Yogi Bear at June 16, 2008 03:15 PM

In light of this we need to surrender to someone. I am just not sure who.

Posted by: Cricket at June 16, 2008 03:45 PM

May we suggest Justice Souter?

Posted by: Yogi Bear at June 16, 2008 03:50 PM