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October 21, 2008

...And Exactly *Where* Was OSHA on This One?

Asleep at the wheel, that's where... But then that's just typical of the Bush administration, isn't it? The Shrub is out back in the Rose Garden helping Barney the White House terrier shred what little remains of the Bill of Rights while Karl Rove dances the hornpipe on Keith Olbermann's unmarked grave. Meanwhile, honest securities traders are being exposed to the horrors of negligent lap dancing.

I tell ya. This kind of traveshamockery will never happen in an Obama administration:

Securities trader Stephen Chang could well create new law with his lawsuit in New York. There are copious cases on medical malpractice, legal malpractice, but now he would like to create a law of stripper malpractice after lap dancer negligently swiveled and hit him in the face with the heel of her shoe. This is only the latest addition to a growing number of cases in the area of stripper jurisprudence.

Chang expected better at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden in Manhattan. It was 1 am and Chang was looking for some good, wholesome, and competent lap dancing. Instead, when the dancer swung around , her heel caught Chang and forced him “to sustain serious injuries” — injuries he did not pay to experience.

Chang may have gotten off light. The club claims to have “hand picked” performers with “killer bodies.”

Well, Obama did say he would create thousands of new jobs! And clearly this issue screams for urgent Executive Branch intervention. We are seeing the murderous results of 8 years of failed Rethuglican policeh. Hopefully with a more enlightened administration and the benefit of federally funded training and education, our children can prepare themselves for a variety of safe, rewarding, and recession-proof careers.

Posted by Cassandra at October 21, 2008 06:10 AM

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They're going to have to gather empirical data concerning acceptable clearances between various bodily components and acceptable contact tolerances, both lubricated and -- well, I'm presuming that at least one party will have imbibed sufficiently to be considered well-oiled.

I volunteer.

Will also consider gathering anatomical data on both coffee-drinkers and tea-totalers. For medical research purposes only, of course...

Posted by: BillT at October 21, 2008 07:35 AM

With you, the giving never stops :p

Posted by: Cass at October 21, 2008 07:57 AM

What I want to know is... just how often does the lovely wife smack you upside the head? :)

Posted by: Cass at October 21, 2008 07:58 AM

She can't reach this far -- she has to be content with screaming into the phone.

Posted by: BillT at October 21, 2008 08:05 AM

With you, the giving never stops

Among other things.

You could substitute the indefinite pronoun "it" for pretty much any noun you'd care to use as a subject and still be accurate...

Posted by: BillT at October 21, 2008 08:10 AM

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

My client is the unfortunate victim of a crime perpetrated on millions of unsuspecting women by Big Coffee.

Our client had recently been on a coffee drinking binge so that she could continue to deliver, with professional efficiency, the one on one intellectual stimulation that her clients demand.

As you will hear when we call Mr. Peabody from Peabody Labs™, a world renowned physicists, time traveler and mentor to small children... Our client, suffered a change in her well studied pirouette pivot-point due to an unanticipated ballast shift as a result of her heavy coffee consumption.

All fair minded observers should be able to weigh the evidence and conclude that this horrible accident was unavoidable given the heretofore unknown effects of caffeine on the female form.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask that you put Maxwell House on notice by kicking this case in the kisser.

I would also take this moment to remind the injured party that he is fortunate that he did not have to pay the BB&W -Black Boots & Whip- surcharge.

Posted by: bt_F-Lee-Barrister_hun at October 21, 2008 10:55 AM

Ummm...yeah. NOT!!!

Posted by: camojack at October 22, 2008 01:35 AM

My husband's comment: "He shouldn't have been trying to tuck the dollar bill in with his teeth."

Posted by: Texan99 at October 22, 2008 07:37 AM