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May 27, 2009

Interesting Test

Your result for The 5 Love Languages Test...

You scored 11 Quality Time, 6 Words of Affirmation, 2 Receiving Gifts, 4 Acts of Service, and 7 Physical Touch!

Whichever category you scored the highest in is your primary love language. If there is a tie for the highest score (or very close to one), you are "bilingual" and have two primary love languages. This means that borth expressions of love are important to you. The highest score possible is 12 points in any category. Knowing your primary love language can help you communicate to others what you need from them in order to feel loved. Knowing others' primary love language will help you make sure the important people in your life know you love them in return.

THE QUICK AND DIRTY: You got the most points in:

Quality Time: You like one-on-one conversation and don't really care what you do as long you are enjoying the company of your friend/family/lover/coworker. This is when you feel the most affection from someone. Playing video games while talking to your girlfriend is not quality time.

Physical Touch: You feel loved or well-liked when people hug you or high-five you. You'd be considered a person that loves "touchy-feely" stuff-- but only good touch. Beware of bad touch.

THE MEANINGFUL EXPLANATIONS: If your Primary Love Language is:

Quality Time: You crave togetherness. Being in the same room is not "togetherness". You want a person's undivided attention-- a true connection with someone. Dialects of the language of Quality Time are Quality Conversation, Quality Listening, and Quality Activities. You can enjoy just one or multiple dialects.

  • Quality Conversation consists of focusing on drawing the other person out, listening sympathetically to what they have to say, and asking questions with the genuine desire to understand their thoughts, feelings, and desires (not as a means to an end, like solving their problems). It also consists of you, yourself, verbalizing your thoughts, feelings, and desires.
  • Quality Activities means you like to enjoy activites with people to spend time with those people. It's not the activity that's important but the quality time. Whether it's something new or something you love to do all the time, you'll always remember those times with the people that matter in your life.

To improve proficiency in Quality Conversation: Don't engage in other activities while you are listening to another person. This is about quality time. Listen for feelings and observe body language. Then confirm their feelings, e.g., "You must be really frustrated since..." It says you're listening and gives the person to clarify their feelings. Do not interrupt! Research has indicated that the average individual listens for only 17 sec before interrupting and interjecting their own ideas. Ask reflective questions (so there're no misunderstandings), express understanding (so they know they've been heard), and lastly, ask if there is anything you can do to be helpful.

Physical PhysicalTouch: To you, physical touch speaks louder than words: a hand on the shoulder during a talk, a pat on the back, a high-five as you pass by, or a back massage after a long day. Physical Touch can be appreciated by anyone, but to those fluent in the language of physial touch, it shouts. Withhold touch and you will isolate and rise doubts about your love. Of course, it's not just any physical touch that communicates love. There're appropiate/inappropiate and implicit(almost absent-minded, e.g., pat on the back)/explicit (commands your full attention, e.g., foot rub) PhysicalTouches.

To improve proficiency in Physical Touch: If you're not fluent in this language, it just takes learning one "word" at a time. Know someone whose primary language is Physical Touch? Try giving them a hug next time you see them. Hug your parents. When you're walking around with your significant other, grab their hand to hold. It may feel awkward to you at first, but you will be more comfortable the next time. In Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages for Singles, he cites a situation where a woman named Marti was learning the language of Physical Touch. She said of hugging her mother, "The first time I hugged my mother, it was like hugging a pole. Now she is hugging me back."

Now remember, this test and the following expectations are from Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages for Singles. It's a fabulous, insightful, and very practical. I highly recommend it!

This is the first test I've ever made and I hope you enjoyed it! It took a lot of time and thoughtful downsizing of a 245pg book. I really do believe in Mr. Chapman's philosophy and advice. Feel free to email me any questions @ kimchikandy on OkCupid, and don't forget to rate this test!

Take The 5 Love Languages Test at HelloQuizzy

A reader sent me a link to this book a long time ago after one of my epic Sex and Relationships posts.

Overall, I'd say my results were fairly accurate. In general, I prefer quality time spent together to quantity; I'd rather spend an hour or so engaged in an interesting conversation or some other activity that makes me feel connected to someone I care about than long periods of time where we just happen to be in the same room. Perhaps that's why military life suits me - I don't mind long separations so long as the moments when I'm with my husband are enjoyable and meaningful.

While I always enjoy gifts, they're not particularly important to me. I think men have a tendency to substitute gifts for time and attention, and to that extent I suppose I'd rather have an afternoon doing something mutually enjoyable than a diamond.

On the acts of service thing, this no doubt explains why I have never been a big fan of the 'honey do' list. I like when my husband helps out around the house, but my take has always been that we both live here but have different notions of what is important. If I want something done around the house or yard I tend to do it myself, since I'm the one who wants it done.

Not so crazy about "affirmation" (compliments and such). They make me uncomfortable. On the other hand it is tremendously important to me to feel that I'm understood. And like many women, I'm big on those three little words. To me, they're not so much a statement of present feeling as a declaration of ongoing intent: "I love you" to me isn't meaningful because I interpret it as the other person being in the throes of extreme passion or ecstasy. It's more of a "you're important to me, just as I'm important to you" kind of thing: a reminder that there's a bond of affection between two people. When you hit rough spots, the knowledge that you have a long history together can help you overlook temporary unpleasantness.

Finally, touch. That was my second highest category. I think there are times when words are overrated. You can say more with a quiet hug, a back rub, or by reaching for someone's hand than with the most eloquent apology or declaration of affection. Though the circle of people I want touching me is very small (never been big on the whole 'kiss-kiss' thing at cocktail parties), if I really care for someone then actions speak far louder than words.

Touch is also a tangible demonstration that someone is inside your intimate circle. In general, we don't touch strangers so often as we do lovers, family, or particularly close friends. Maybe this is why I enjoy making love - besides being mutually enjoyable for reasons I don't need to go into here, touch reinforces the connection between two people. Physical contact literally connects two people in a way words often fail to do.

Finally, I think the idea of love styles goes far in explaining why men and women often disconnect and frustrate each other unintentionally. We all have a tendency to demonstrate affection by doing things that are meaningful to us. What's neither easy nor immediately intuitive is the ability to divine how someone else wants to be loved.

Men often demonstrate love by performing what this author calls acts of service. Women often prefer verbal affirmations like the three little words. I've heard a lot of guys say, "But she knows I love her - I come home from work every day, don't I?" To him, he shows his love by working hard, bringing home the bacon, doing things around the yard, not running off with the secretary to Bimini. Women, on the other hand, often withhold touch when they feel angry or unappreciated. Because touch tends to be more important to guys than it often is to women, the tactic can carry far more sting than it's intended to - rather than being a transient reaction, the tactic can begin a needless cycle of misunderstanding, withdrawal, and retaliation.

I think it's important to be aware of how other people instinctively demonstrate affection for two reasons:

1. It can sometimes help you understand what's important or meaningful to them - in other words, how they'd like to be loved.

2. It helps you not to overlook or dismiss the many ways they may be trying to show they value the relationship, even if they may not be doing it in the way you want them to.

Anyway, interesting ideas.

Posted by Cassandra at May 27, 2009 07:44 AM

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Comments

We have been married going on 39 years. We complement each other and compliment each other. Where does the time go?

Posted by: vet66 at May 27, 2009 11:18 AM

Damn. There you go again, writing what's inside my head. We've certainly ended up in different places and our different life experiences have left their marks, but I swear we were twins separated at birth. :P

Posted by: FbL at May 27, 2009 11:55 AM

So, would showing up naked with a 6 pack be Quality Time or Receiving Gifts? :p

(Scampering away quickly...)

Posted by: Pogue at May 27, 2009 02:16 PM

Oh boy.
You had *better* run :)

Posted by: Cassandra at May 27, 2009 02:26 PM

Yeah Pogue! A classy lady like Cass would only show up naked with a bottle of fine scotch! None of this cheap beer stuff!

Posted by: MikeD at May 27, 2009 02:44 PM

Heh. Apparently you have to be emotionally healthy for this to work.

Too many choices I had to make on a "least objectionable" basis.

"You scored 11 Quality Time, 6 Words of Affirmation, 3 Receiving Gifts, 8 Acts of Service, and 2 Physical Touch!

Too many acts of service, not because I like being waited on, but because the only other option was excessive praise or hugs or some such. I didn't like this one. Mebbe because I'm not a gurl, very clearly not a gurl, and quite possibly a charter member of the He-Man SquishyGurlyStuff Hating Society.

Posted by: Help! I'm having my access controlled and monitored! at May 27, 2009 03:01 PM

Nothing further.

Posted by: I simply must pay attention to my cookies. at May 27, 2009 03:03 PM

Heh. Apparently you have to be emotionally healthy for this to work.

Not necessarily.
Or maybe I'm just a sick puppy :p

I found about 1/3 of the questions difficult to answer. Didn't like either of the choices presented. I ended up coming out mostly 'quality time', which totally makes sense if you know me b/c I can't stand having my time wasted.

For instance, a recurring mini-battle between the spouse and I is that he views watching TV in the same room as "time together" and I view it as a massive waste of my valuable time.

I've had to learn to bend a bit in this regard, b/c after all, it's not just about me. But I am not a big TV watcher and I've yet to meet a man who appreciates it when the little womyn wants to initiate conversation whilst he's zoning out with a death grip on the remote control.

So I end up bored and feeling like I'd rather be somewhere - anywhere - else. And yet I'd gladly spend the same amount of time with him, provided that there is some minimal human interaction involved on some level.

I think this is a pretty common disconnect between men and women. He feels like I don't want to be with him if I get up and leave the room. But I don't view watching TV under the Cone of Silence as "spending time with him" :p I totally don't mind if he watches TV. He can do that all day.

Just don't ask me to do it, too because I'm perfectly capable of filling my time with things I actually *do* enjoy. Still, marriage is the art of compromise.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 27, 2009 03:11 PM

A classy lady like Cass would only show up naked with a bottle of fine scotch! None of this cheap beer stuff!

Actually, I kind of like beer.

I can't drink Scotch. I've tried. But when I was just a wayward girl, I got wasted one too many times upon Scotch purloined from the parental stash. In fact, when I was 14 or 15 (can't remember now) I got alcohol poisoning from imbibing an unhealthy amount of Scotch quite rapidly on an empty stomach. The details of that memorable evening are perhaps better left unrelated. The good news is that I avoided arrest.

25 years later, my body involuntarily cringes when I even smell whiskey. I have a to-die-for recipe for Bourbon Balls that I routinely substitute Rum into precisely for that reason.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 27, 2009 03:17 PM

The spousal unit drinks Scotch though. As does my youngest son.

So who knows? I might just show up with a bottle :p

Posted by: Cassandra at May 27, 2009 03:19 PM

I guess I just validated your thesis, didn't I?

8^D

Posted by: Validated Parking. at May 27, 2009 03:22 PM

I've yet to meet a man who appreciates it when the little womyn wants to initiate conversation whilst he's zoning out with a death grip on the remote control.

Where did you put the spycam? That's the Living Room of Argghhh!

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at May 27, 2009 03:24 PM

:)

When I watch TV (and it's rare), my lovely bride frequently does not. I do not take it as a slight or that she doesn't want to be with me, just that she doesn't want to watch TV. To me, quality time is spent talking, regardless of what else we're doing. And I can always tell successful quality time by how much she's laughing. Last night, I had her laughing so hard she was having trouble breathing (and no tickling was involved, just words). That's quality quality time.

Posted by: MikeD at May 27, 2009 03:31 PM

Where did you put the spycam? That's the Living Room of Argghhh!

It's the living room of every hetero couple in America :p

Well Mike, I'm with you. At the same time, I can sort of understand where my husband is coming from. I am not the most outgoing person on the planet, but I'm WAY more outgoing than he is.

He spends 12+ hours every day dealing with people. By the time he gets home, he's stressed and just wants some peace and quiet. He looks forward to seeing me but at the same time I've been alone all day (I work at home) and I have to be careful not to 'jump his bones' (metaphorically speaking, of course) as soon as he walks through the door. I know he's happy to see me b/c he always makes the effort to accomodate me. But I can also see that he is tired and frazzled at the end of the day, so I try to give him some space and time to unwind.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 27, 2009 04:34 PM

I can appreciate both perspectives. Shortly before the grand arrival of SWHNOB, MH took the Sr SNCO slot at VReg's for Lejeune, which meant he got home and had a chance to leave work hanging on the maple tree in our front yard long before I pulled into the driveway. I felt *stalked* when he'd follow me through the house asking about my day, telling me about his, etc. He couldn't figure out why I was always so stressed after I got home until I pointed out to him that he'd had a chance to hang up *work* and change clothes (half the time he was also a beer or three ahead of me, too) long before I even got in the car to leave my job.
Now that I'm at home all day, there are days when I want more interaction from him, but I try to remember my working days during those times and give him some space before 'jumping his bones' (literally and figuratively). Besides, there's always SWHNOB.....and where she goes, silence is golden.


Duct tape is silver.
heh
0>;~}

Posted by: DL Sly at May 27, 2009 06:00 PM

silence is golden....Duct tape is silver.

OK. That destroyed me. You will pay.
Oh yes, you will pay.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 27, 2009 06:05 PM

She shoots!

She SCORES!!!

heh
0>;~}

Posted by: DL Sly at May 27, 2009 06:09 PM

give him some space before 'jumping his bones' (literally and figuratively).

Really? Cause I don't think I've ever objected, regardless of how bad a day it's been, to the literal version. Even IF I just walked in the door.

Maybe that's just me.

Posted by: MikeD at May 28, 2009 09:30 AM

Well, I will admit that it's been a few years since I greeted him at the front door dressed in SaranWrap and a smile :p

Posted by: Cassandra at May 28, 2009 09:50 AM

Seriously... has ANYBODY (male or female) ever actually done that? It just seems that Saran Wrap would be terribly uncomfortable.

Posted by: MikeD at May 28, 2009 10:16 AM

It is not so much uncomfortable as it is hot.

And yes, I have done it. You should have seen the look on The Unit's face :p

I live to throw that man for a loop.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 28, 2009 10:32 AM

10 years later, he still brings it up every now and then.

Heh.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 28, 2009 10:33 AM

Occasionally, MH will reminisce about the time I met him at the airport in June wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and shoes........oh, and my hat.
heh
0>;~}

Posted by: DL Sly at May 28, 2009 10:46 AM

Yep. Been there, done that too :p

Deployments rock.

Posted by: Cassandra at May 28, 2009 11:37 AM

I am reminded of the joke of the housewife who plans to do this, but discovers she is out of Saran Wrap. She then is confounded by the fact that wearing Tupperware doesn't seem to have the same effect.

Posted by: MikeD at May 28, 2009 11:44 AM

Oh, and I'd also like to point out that the fact that both of you have done the trenchcoat thing is the best evidence that I can point to that men are in fact easy to figure out. Our desires are simple and easy to understand. And I also need to point out that what y'all did takes more guts than I think I possess. :)

Posted by: MikeD at May 28, 2009 11:46 AM

Um, Mike, it ain't *guts*, it's lust - plain and simple. Because, the Princess' opinion notwithstanding, deployments do not rock, but homecoming's do.....especially in a boat......or a car with really bad shocks.

And sometimes, the shocks weren't really that bad to start with....
*snnnnicker*
0>:~}

Posted by: DL Sly at May 28, 2009 12:14 PM

Would you do it
here or there?

I will do it
here, or there.
I will do it
anywhere.

Would you do it
in a coat?
Would you do it
in my boat?

I will do it
in a house.
I will do it
with my spouse.

Would you do it
on the lawn?
Or with a ton of Saran Wrap on?

I will do it a box.
Or in a car with lousy shocks.
I will do it in the house.
I will do it with my spouse.
I will do it here, or there.
Some folks will do it anywhere.

Posted by: Sam I Am's Naughty Little Sister at May 28, 2009 12:47 PM

I am reminded of the joke of the housewife who plans to do this, but discovers she is out of Saran Wrap. She then is confounded by the fact that wearing Tupperware doesn't seem to have the same effect.

Boy am I glad The Unit doesn't read my blog :p

The last thing that man needs is encouragement.

Posted by: Sam I Am's Naughty Little Sister at May 28, 2009 02:09 PM

Because, the Princess' opinion notwithstanding, deployments do not rock, but homecoming's do.....especially in a boat......or a car with really bad shocks.

Which reminds me of another...

So the 82nd Airborne returns to the States after Desert Storm, and there's a big homecoming event with the families of the returning soldiers at the airport as they get off the transports. And of course, the press is there.

One reporter watches as a Sergeant gets off the plane, sees his wife, and grabs her in a huge hug and kiss. As he breaks for air, the reporter asks, "Now that you're home, Sergeant, what's the first thing you're going to do?"

The Sergeant smiles mischievously and says, "Well sir, I'm a married man, and I haven't seen my wife for months. So that answer is kinda personal."

The reporter chuckles and says, "Well, ok... I can understand that. So what's the second thing you plan on doing?"

"Well," muses the Sergeant, "after that, I'll probably take off my parachute."

Posted by: MikeD at May 28, 2009 02:31 PM

Ah, but I know The Unit's email address.

I bet I could...

Posted by: Wrap, wrapper, wrap, they call me the unwrapper... at May 28, 2009 03:19 PM

Parachute. That's a new name for a rubber.

Because no one wears a 'chute if they don't have to.

Of either kind.

They bind.

Posted by: Chairborne! at May 28, 2009 03:21 PM

How big of a box?

Posted by: DL Sly at May 28, 2009 03:38 PM

If I send that email?

None. "Instantly reduced to your component molecules" needs no box.

Posted by: Wrap, wrapper, wrap, they call me the unwrapper... at May 28, 2009 05:00 PM

"None. "Instantly reduced to your component molecules" needs no box."
Yes for only $299.95 plus shipping and handling you can have the latest edition of Quarks Gone Wild at Motel-6, in a petri dish...

See uninhibited mesons hooking up, wild baryons doing that French thang and the kinkiest of them all, pentaquark tearing the roof off the sucker! You will not be disappointed...

VisaMasterCardAmExDinerClubPayPalCashiersChecks accepted... Bags of coins not valid.

Must be 21 nanometers to participate.

Posted by: Mr. Peabody at May 29, 2009 10:59 PM

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