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June 23, 2009

OMG! WE'RE ALL GOING TO.... ummm.... never mind

Oh thank God....

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford will return to the state tomorrow after spending the last five days hiking the Appalachian Trail, according to a statement released by his office this morning

You know, the Editorial Staff were really beginning to worry. You have to admit that things were looking damned serious:

Late Monday evening, Gov. Mark Sanford's office revealed that he is hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

On the face of it, that solves the mystery. But this article from The State, South Carolina's main newspaper, suggests some more troubling possibilities to the story.

The governor's spokesman would not disclose whether or not Sanford was hiking alone. And it seems that neither the governor's office nor state authorities have been able to make contact with the him since he left the governor's mansion on Thursday.

In other news, Congresscritter Barney Frank's staff have announced that he will be taking a lunch break from 12 to 1 pm today. An anonymous informant (who declined to be identified because he is not at liberty to discuss official business with us lowly blogging types) tells us Mr. Frank may not take his cell phone with him. Or a food taster. Or Band-Aids neither.

Back to Defcon 5, Folks. Don't know about you, but the Editorial Staff are all heaving a *huge* sigh of relief.

Update 1: Dark Ulterior Motive Alert!!!!

This is really weird stuff. I mean, mind-boggling kind of weird....... Taking at face value what Sanford's staff is claiming, he abandoned his security detail to hiking on the AT for DAYS - and that's okay? That's insanity. There's no other word for it. What happened if Sanford got lost? Or hurt himself? Or needed emergency medical treatment, which happens on the AT all the time? What would the Gov's office tell the press and people of SC?? How on Earth does the head of his security detail knowingly let Sanford "go alone for days" without making a big stinking deal about it? I sure as hell would...... And, again, that's taking everything Sanford says at face value. Assume, for just a moment, some dark ulterior motive ...

Like...ummm.... a heretofore unsuspected need to foist an enormously expensive taxpayer funded health care system upon his unwitting constituents??? Dayum. They've really got us on this one. There's just no escaping the sordid details of this rapidly developing story. On the bright said, at last the shameful truth can be told:

[wait for it]

Mark Sanford took to the wilderness to make the case for public option health care reform. Feel free to concoct your own Dark Ulterior Motive in the comments section. But make it loony - the competition has a head start.

UPDATE II: More proof of the "public option" theory (see above) surfaces!!! A Secret GOP Plot to "disappear" troublesome state governors:

I spent years in New Jersey wishing this or that governor would disappear, but they never did.

We see how you are, Dan Riehl. Oh yes, we see....

UPDATE III: Republican governor involved in bizarre, "cult-like" Goddess-worshipping Solstice Ritual involving spiders, snakes, and oodles of nekkid, amorous lesbian biker chicks ovulating languidly by the light of a gibbous moon:

“He’s an avid outdoorsman,” Sawyer added. “Nobody’s ever accused our governor of being conventional.”

Okay, we made that last part up. But surely you see our concern here??????????

Update IV: From a blog entitled (with no little irony) [over]REACTION: liberalism unbound:

So apparently Mark Sanford, the AWOL Republican governor of South Carolina, is hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Allow me to lapse into seriousness for just a moment. Does this moron have the slightest idea what the word "AWOL" means? Of course he doesn't.

How does announcing to your staff that you're going on a vacation and then [Holy Mother of God!!!] turning off your cell phone for a few days (after warning them in advance that you'd be difficult to reach) amount to a criminal failure to report for work?

When they go to all caps, can a random but completely understandable breakdown be far behind? (looking around for the tiramisu)

HE'S THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH CAROLINA. HE HAS SECURITY. HE'S NOT JUST SOME REGULAR DUDE. HE CAN'T JUST LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE... WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING... CAN HE?

Translation: "Mommy! I'm scared!" But wait!!! There's more of this lunacy:

Really? Not concerned? Your husband just picks up and leaves, without telling you anything, and that's fine with you? His phones are off, he's gone for several days, over Father's Day weekend, and you're not worried at all?

Control issues, anyone? We've heard rumors of wives who don't remove their husbands' testicles before they let them out of the house each day, but frankly we don't believe them. Sadly, it goes on (and on... and on...) in this vein, eventually culminating in a shuddering Shangri-La of paranoid delusionality:

... what if there had been an emergency? Was he really reachable? Did his office really know where he was, or is still?

And who was in charge while he was AWOL?

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means...

Chris Cillizza notes, in an update, that his office still doesn't seem to know exactly where (on the Trail) he is. Even the lieutenant governor couldn't get through to him -- "that request was denied because the Governor's chief of staff does not know where the Governor is, and has not communicated with the Governor since he left South Carolina last Thursday." That according to Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer himself.

Cillizza again: "Given the decided lack of concern from Sanford's office, it would appear as though there are no fears that the governor is in danger. Still, pulling a disappearing act like this -- whatever the reason -- is a decidedly odd move for someone who is seen as a likely presidential candidate in 2012."

Well... yeah. No kidding.

It's all very, very strange. And there is good reason, it would seem, to question, if not (yet) his sanity, at least his judgement.

Christ on a pogo stick. This is what happens when grownups become dependent upon government.

And they say women are irrational.

Update V: The Chavez Connection: was the Great White Hope of the GOP playing footsie with murderous dictators?

If so, we do hope they have hot dogs. We hear they're all the rage amongst the genocidal set.

UPDATE VI: OK. That does it. Now I'm really concerned:

"Sources" question governor's story.

Posted by Cassandra at June 23, 2009 12:42 PM

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Comments

::snort::cough::

you really should have added a coffee:spew warning to that post.

Posted by: Jewels at June 23, 2009 01:22 PM

A huge sigh of relief is not all I am heaving.

Right back atcha:

Literal Video Version of Total Eclipse of the Heart

Posted by: Cricket at June 23, 2009 01:36 PM

That was hysterical! Thanks for the laugh :)

Posted by: Cassandra at June 23, 2009 02:12 PM

The way I piece the story together, the Governor was on a "get away from it all" weekend, which, I'm told, is a common occurrence in parts of the South.

Of course, if you're Governor, you really should let people know what's up.

Reports of a flying saucer buzzing away from the Governor's mansion have been unfounded.

And it looks like we won't be holding a Special Election, or sending out the National Guard after all.

Posted by: ZZMike at June 23, 2009 02:46 PM

Heh. The State of Texas only has its legislators meet for 5 months every other year.

Guess what - unless you're being followed by a guy with a suitcase containing nuke release authority authentication codes... because you're the only one that can authorize their use, the world will get along just fine without you for a few days.

Just sayin'.

I mean, golly, the state of South Carolina is still there today, univaded by Georgia (either of 'em) or North Carolina. Not even any damyankees except ones traveling to Hilton Head or wanting to see Fort Sumter...

[Checks Weather Channel] Nope, no hurricanes inbound, major forest fires on-going, no earthquake aftermath to deal with...

Posted by: Explosives-certified Right Wing Nutjob Retired Army Gun Nut at June 23, 2009 03:09 PM

Dammit. Here's the missing "n."

Womyn, fix yer blog, it's stealin' consonants!

Posted by: Explosives-certified Right Wing Nutjob Retired Army Gun Nut at June 23, 2009 03:23 PM

What happened if Sanford got lost?

Uhhhh, the Lieutenant Governor takes over and tomorrow is pretty much just like today?

Posted by: Yu-Ain Gonnano at June 23, 2009 03:33 PM

I think he was pretending he was a 'normal' human. You know: No responsibilities. IOW, he was in denial and showing avoidance. Sorry, I had to go for the psychological analysis; I am fresh out of conspiracy theories.

But...why all of a sudden, the deviance from the routine? Did he ever really ditch his tin foil hat and just what was in that *energy drink*, hm?

Posted by: Cricket at June 23, 2009 03:53 PM

Wasn't it this last week that all this Iranian mess has really taken off?

Just how sure can we be that Mr. Sanford hadn't spent the last few days in Iran? Hmmmmmmmmm?

It makes one ponder, it does.

Posted by: Yu-Ain Gonnano at June 23, 2009 03:59 PM

Pssst...

I hear Gov. Sanford found Jimmy Hoffa.

Posted by: Mark Sanford's Babysitter at June 23, 2009 04:23 PM

He found Obama's birth certificate.

Posted by: Mark Sanford's Babysitter at June 23, 2009 04:24 PM

Didn't Michelle Obama laugh about sneaking out of the White House, shaking her security detail to have lunch with friends?

Maybe Sanford was just meeting her and the girls for lunch!

Posted by: beth at June 23, 2009 06:02 PM

its too bad that real people can't just get away sometimes to clear the cobwebs out. we are wayyy to dependent on government.

Posted by: kate at June 23, 2009 06:19 PM

The governor should have a SPOT messenger.

My ladyfriend made my life miserable until I started carrying one on my backcountry horseback trips in the Sierras. What is it with women and the safety of their men? More importantly is, why on earth didn't I carry one before? People have told me they enjoy the vicarious journey.

Posted by: Allen at June 23, 2009 06:54 PM

There was a crop circle in Britain that appeared at the same time the SC governor went missing. Kidnapping by aliens?

Details from Art Bell...

Allen..c'mere *whack*.

There. I don't know how I survived a year of the Engineer in South Korea without email or chat.

But I did. Now that we have gone all high tech, we don't take some things on faith any more.

Posted by: Cricket at June 23, 2009 08:23 PM

Who the hell would go hiking up and down and up and down and up and down freaking mountains when they've a fully armored GMC Denali ready to take them to a Gulstream V?

The way I figure it, he either got a hold of Ellliot Spitzer's little black book ("Number Nine Number Nine Number Nine...") or he's gone kook-koo for ko-ko puffs. Not that I'm being judgmental or anything.

Posted by: spd rdr at June 23, 2009 10:30 PM

Man, I feel so unwanted. I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a few days last month, and there was no mention of it in the news. None whatsoever...

Posted by: camojack at June 24, 2009 01:35 AM

What's the Large Deal with the Appalachian Trail? I've flown over it *lots* of times...

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 03:59 AM

I live near the *start* of it. Now that I know it has this Devil's Triangle Effect, I have every reason to stay inside, with plastic taped up rooms and my doors locked.

Camo, it is because no one could see you.

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 06:35 AM

I live near the *start* of it.

And all this time, I thought you lived in *Georgia*, not *Maine*...

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 07:42 AM

Depends on where you *start* the trail. Part of it runs through Georgia. I also didn't know that it was one way.

Seriously, you have flown over it? I guess that explains the UFO sightings...

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 08:56 AM

The Appalachian National Scenic Trail, generally known as the Appalachian Trail or simply The A.T., is a marked hiking trail in the eastern United States, extending between Springer Mountain in Georgia and Katahdin in Maine.[2] It is approximately 2,175 miles (3,500 km)a[›] long. The path is maintained by thirty trail clubs and multiple partnerships.[3] The majority of the trail is in wilderness, although some portions do traverse towns and roads, and cross rivers.--Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appalachian_Trail

Link shows a map with the trail ending in Georgia.

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 09:02 AM

And the "Palinization" of another viable GOP Presidential candidate begins.....

Posted by: SDN at June 24, 2009 11:09 AM

"And the "Palinization" of another viable GOP Presidential candidate begins....."

It is more like the "Craiginization". He did this to himself.

Great reading. Very enjoyable.

Posted by: Chris R at June 24, 2009 11:24 AM

OMG too funny. The story has gotten even weirder now that he is back.

Posted by: Ronk at June 24, 2009 11:26 AM

I guess that explains the UFO sightings...

Nup. I was flying a black helicopter, though...

Posted by: Kate Moss' Long-Lost Hubby, Pete at June 24, 2009 11:37 AM

It is more like the "Craiginization". He did this to himself.

Yeah... I don't know that going on vacation and not telling anyone where you're going is quite the same thing as trolling for anonymous sex in a public restroom. But hey, whatever morally equivalencies float your boat.

The latest is that he apparently went to Argentina. OH NOES!!! HE PRBOABLALLY WUZ SMUGGLN DA DRUGZ!!! And yes, I've actually already seen that accusation/joke.

Really, this does kinda burn my chaps. The Governor of a State, just like the President of the United States, is STILL a private citizen. If they want to go on vacation, they have that right. So if, like me, they decide they don't really want to tell folks where they're going (to avoid the press, or whatever), I have no problem with that.

The fundamental question you need to ask yourself when you're evaluating 'outrage' at a political action is, "would I care if one of the guys on the other side did this." And really, if the President of the United States (much LESS a Democrat Governor) did this... I would not care.

"But Mike," I hear you exclaim, "The President has the nuclear launch codes! What if there's an emergency."

Oddly enough, I'm pretty damned sure that if the President is indisposed (in surgery, out of communication, ON VACATION) the Vice President has national command authority... INCLUDING the launch codes. There's a chain of command for a REASON. No one is indispensable. And if I don't care if the President were to go on vacation and tell no one where he went, then I certainly won't give a rat's hindquarters if a Governor does it. I mean really... what is the State of South Carolina going to face that it can't deal with if the Governor isn't there?

Posted by: MikeD at June 24, 2009 12:11 PM

And I apologize for the bad grammar in my post. I really need to NOT read what I typed AFTER it's submitted.

Posted by: MikeD at June 24, 2009 12:12 PM

... what is the State of South Carolina going to face that it can't deal with if the Governor isn't there?

Juicy conspiracy theories about the Guv's absence, mebbe?

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 12:17 PM

Step #1. Type...
*Wishes most elected politico's would spend more time out of session and out of the country... sigh*

*The hun now heads off to grab the cat-o-nine and retire to the self-flagellation dungeon for wishing our elected reps would disappear, at least more frequently and for longer durations.*

Step #2. POST...

Posted by: bt-the resident-curmudgeon_hun at June 24, 2009 12:41 PM

Step #3. Proof the entry

Posted by: bt-the resident-curmudgeon_hun at June 24, 2009 12:42 PM

I'm going to have to disagree somewhat. It's certainly true that the level of hysteria - and plot-spinning - that went on over this is ridiculous. But it kind of weirds me out that his *wife* seems not to have known how to get in touch with him.

It also seems odd that his staff says he was hiking the Appalachian Trail and he ended up in Argentina. This might be an error by the staff - making up something plausible - but it would have been far better if everyone involved had just said, "The governor needs some time away and we're not going to disclose his whereabouts. We can reach him in case of a state or family emergency, but the governor had good people on his staff and is confident that his administration can manage without him for a few days."

It will be interesting to see what he says in his press conference, now scheduled for 2:30pm EDT.

Posted by: Elise at June 24, 2009 02:14 PM

He was in Iran shooting protesters from the rooftops with an AK 47. Great way to blow off steam, and garnish points with the Mullahs for Obama's negotiations.

Posted by: West at June 24, 2009 02:19 PM

Aha! You were flying above it in a black helicopter. I KNEW II!!! I rest my case.

What case is that? I don't know...I need to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 02:20 PM

Make that 'garner points'. Dead protesters make a terrible garnish, unless you are into that kind of thing.

And, yes, I am making light of a terrible thing, if our President can treat murder like it's trivial, so can I.


Posted by: West at June 24, 2009 02:26 PM

Update VII:
SC Gov. Mark Sanford says he's had an affair

I'm almost interested in continuing to follow this story.

Posted by: ZZMike at June 24, 2009 02:46 PM

*yawn*

Donna Rice and what's-his-name from the 80s. Taking a yacht to Bimini.

Infidelity. If only Clinton had resigned when his affairs were discovered.

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 02:54 PM

Aha! You were flying above it in a black helicopter.

Sure, lots. The toughest part was making sure that hikers actually saw the aircraft, so I had to circle and wave to 'em a couple of times, then split before they could get a camera out.

Which is probably how that "Bigfoot" subthread got started, buuuuuuuut...

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 03:14 PM

Another politician who breaks the faith. Fails to control himself, lies to everyone in the process, not to mention that he hurts his wife and children. Whoda thunk it? *shrugs*

*The nature of power and the human condition prompts subliminal man to flash the pixels for a few milliseconds in order to broadcast a public service message:*
TERM LIMITS
TERM LIMITS
TERM LIMITS
TERM LIMITS

Meanwhile, Mark Sanford plays the role of Evita on CSPAN:

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I <strike>kept</strike> broke my promise
Don't keep your distance

And as for fortune and as for fame
It's shot in the butt, who's to blame?

Posted by: bt-the resident-curmudgeon_hun at June 24, 2009 03:28 PM

Grummpf. Sex and Relationships -- again!

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 03:35 PM

Yeah, the affair is pretty much dog bites man. What I don't understand, though, is why he fessed up to it instead of just making up something to explain his absence. Or if he didn't want to lie, just say "I needed time away, sorry I worried everybody". It seems to me that would have been a lot easier on his family than giving us all a play by play of his "sparking" period. Unless of course he's planning to resign as Governor and move to Buenos Aires.

Your pixels are perceptive, bt, but somewhat unnecessary in SC. (I made a rhyme.) The state restricts governors to two consecutive terms - although there doesn't seem to be a prohibition against him taking a term off and running again.

Posted by: Elise at June 24, 2009 03:45 PM

Heh, relationships... Initially, I was going to weave a bit of snarky commentary about the Gov. to a couple of Nino Greasemanelli's skits via hotlinks. Respect for M'lady Cass along with the gentlemen and gentle ladies who frequent VC squelched that urge. But let me tall ya, it was an argument I did not know I would win when it began.

Yup, I'm glad I prevailed. =8^}

Posted by: bt-the resident-curmudgeon_hun at June 24, 2009 03:56 PM

Who the hell would go hiking up and down and up and down and up and down freaking mountains when they've a fully armored GMC Denali ready to take them to a Gulstream V?

The way I figure it, he either got a hold of Ellliot Spitzer's little black book ("Number Nine Number Nine Number Nine...") or he's gone kook-koo for ko-ko puffs. Not that I'm being judgmental or anything.
Posted by: spd rdr at June 23, 2009 10:30 PM

Hmmm. I may not be a genius, but I am a good judge of character.

I hate that.

Good night, Mr. Sanford

Posted by: spd rdr at June 24, 2009 03:59 PM

What I don't understand, though, is why he fessed up to it instead of just making up something to explain his absence.

If I had to guess? I'd say Mrs. Sanford. She was probably furious at him, got the truth out of him and ordered him to come clean. Wouldn't surprise me much, she's a firecracker.

Posted by: MikeD at June 24, 2009 04:39 PM

Wouldn't surprise me much, she's a firecracker.

Well, I did notice she wasn't standing next to him with an adoring and forgiving look on her face to which I say, "Good for her". Not that there's anything wrong with forgiving but there should be a decent interval of groveling before forgiveness is granted.

So maybe you're right, MikeD. I would have rather not had my family dragged into my husband's little soap opera but to each his own. And I can certainly see her preferring it be out in the open rather than lurking around waiting to bite her and the kids if it leaks out.

Or maybe she's just into revenge, which I can also totally relate to. I imagine every wronged woman in the world has wanted - at least briefly - to see her husband suffer some serious consequences for his misbehavior. And wronged husbands, vice versa, although - interestingly - we don't seem to hear much about women in politics straying.

Posted by: Elise at June 24, 2009 05:00 PM

...although - interestingly - we don't seem to hear much about women in politics straying.

You would if they were Republicans...

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 05:06 PM

Yes, a Republican from Idaho...Helen Chenowith.

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 05:10 PM

I think my favorite meme amongst the right-o-sphere on Sanford is... "Foreign Affairs, you're doing it wrong."

Posted by: Exasperated Right Wing Knuckle-Dragging Myrmidon at June 24, 2009 05:40 PM

Isn't Helen Chemosit a cryptid?

Oh. Chenoweth.

Never mind.

Posted by: BillT at June 24, 2009 05:48 PM

Sorry. I fergot how to spell 'black helicopter' lady's name.

Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 08:59 PM

Camo, it is because no one could see you.
Posted by: Cricket at June 24, 2009 06:35 AM

Oh, yeah...good point. ;-)

Posted by: camojack at June 25, 2009 12:15 AM

Heya's!
just sashayed over to see if you had any sage input regarding the Cap and Gown...err...Crap-in-Trays...err...Cap-n-Parade....uhm.....that gassy, hopey-changey-cha-ching- Nostrils Waxman thing. But NoOoOoOOOO.....you're just pharting off with cluster after cluster of snark bombs. ☺
Love & NOOOO kisses,
MEooowwwwww

Posted by: Freakin' Crazy Cat Who Should be ZZZ'ing in the cool Rocky Mtn. Air at June 25, 2009 03:06 AM

This post and its comments thread are hilarious.

1. "Look at all this ruckus! I'm sure it's nothing."

2. "He was on the Appalachian trail! Suck on that liberals!"

3. "Argentina. Okay, a little weird. But still. Conspiracy theories!"

4. "Oh. He was having an affair. Boring."

Posted by: qb at June 25, 2009 08:18 AM

I wish I could say that the sick fascination with an unfolding marriage was "hilarious".

Unfortunately, I can't. It's just juvenile and hypocritical.

Posted by: Cassandra at June 25, 2009 08:41 AM

"I wish I could say that the sick fascination with an unfolding marriage was "hilarious".

Unfortunately, I can't. It's just juvenile and hypocritical. "

Yup... Infidelity happens every day, all around the world. But when it's a celebrity, it gathers more attention. And if that celebrity happens to be of the political flavor, the psychoanalysis, tarring of entire demographics and flogging of expired equines breaks out. Luckily we do not have more pressing problems that need attending in our nation and about the globe.

Funny thing about this is that it provides yet another example of how easily the logic truth-table is tossed out the window. If it's a member of your family -blood relation of course-, your best friend or a member of your political party, out march the rationalization troopers. If it's the opposition, klaxon's sound to grab the pitchforks and light the torches.

Me, I'm an equal opportunity kinda guy. I figure that before you have to sneak off to Motel-6 at lunch, or Argentina, you ought to tell your spouse that you think it's time to part company. Fair and honest, eh what? Be up front with everyone from the get-go. Don't sneak and slip about. End of non-story. Doing otherwise only makes you the subject of a Nino Greasemanelli skit, i.e. a sad, bad joke.

*heavy sigh* To paraphrase (seeking to avoid correction by a bunny-shod, flag thrower on quotes of dubious veracity individual) power corrupts, absolute or mongo amounts of power corrupt with an audience accompanied by professional hecklers.

Posted by: bt-the resident-curmudgeon_hun at June 25, 2009 10:27 AM

Did some one say Nino?

http://www.greaseman.org/bits_carlos.html

Posted by: Boquisucio at June 25, 2009 12:00 PM

> Or a food taster.

BWAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaaaaaaAAAAAA.

Our opportunity at LAST!!

Posted by: Lucrezia at June 27, 2009 11:45 PM

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