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September 24, 2009

Yikes

Today's monster under the bed: indirect sex partners.

Need. Coffee.

Posted by Cassandra at September 24, 2009 08:58 AM

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Comments

Bogus. It didn't even quiz me about those twin sisters in Australia...

Posted by: BillT at September 24, 2009 09:16 AM

Wow, what an ego boost!

Posted by: Neil the Ethical Werewolf at September 24, 2009 09:20 AM

Yes, I suspect a lot of men will be walking a bit taller today (and a lot of women are cringing) :p

Posted by: Cassandra at September 24, 2009 09:28 AM

Need. Coffee.

You're drinking indirect -- errrrrrr -- ummmmmm -- how shall I phrase this? Ah!

As you're pouring it into your cup, just *think* of all the people who have used that water previously -- temporarily, of course...

Posted by: BillT at September 24, 2009 09:52 AM

...over the past, oh, 80,000 years or so.

Posted by: BillT at September 24, 2009 09:54 AM

Bill shoots...he scores!

The last time that I checked it took two to tango. So, there are either a few very busy females, or there are a lot less cringing then you would imagine.

Posted by: russ at September 24, 2009 11:35 AM

As you're pouring it into your cup, just *think* of all the people who have used that water previously -- temporarily, of course...

As the Dark Lord Sly likes to remind us...

"Ewwww. Fish swim in that stuff, yanno..."

Posted by: Cassandra at September 24, 2009 11:47 AM

To my friends who imbibe...

and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

in beer there is freedom,

in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop...

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Alcohol = Health.

Therefore, it's better to alcohol and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.

Apologies if this has been seen here before. I recently received this PSA from my oldest bro who was concerned about the flooding in our area and our hydration needs.

Posted by: bthun at September 24, 2009 01:18 PM

Oh yeah, according to the calculator, people in my age group are, apparently, dead.

I think I'll pretend it's beer thirty already.

Posted by: bthun at September 24, 2009 01:22 PM

The calculated number helps explain why I'm My Own Grandpa

Posted by: tomg51 at September 24, 2009 01:53 PM

The calculator is completely unrealiable: it is asking a question - the age of each man you slept with - that is impossible to answer unless you kept the tally :o)

Posted by: olga at September 24, 2009 02:15 PM

We're all a bunch of whores. How do we reduce that footprint...and do we want to try?

If I tippled, I think I would need somthing stronger than coffee.

Points of contact indeed.

That explains global warming, fershure.

Posted by: Cricket at September 24, 2009 02:16 PM

Don't you mean monster in the..never mind.

I just filled out another FAFSA.

Oh, I am so not going to put that on my facebook.
I can just imagine the fainting, fits of the vapors and other eruptions that will ensue.

Can you imagine the comparisons going on?

"how many indirections have YOU had?"

Posted by: Cricket at September 24, 2009 02:18 PM

One does not buy beer, one merely rents it for the night.

Posted by: Great A'tuin at September 24, 2009 02:55 PM

You have had 747,101 indirect and direct sexual partners.
Based on information entered into this calculator, people in your age group have had 2,567,276 indirect sexual partners.

Hmmm, Apparently, I need to get busy.

Posted by: Yu-Ain Gonnano at September 24, 2009 02:59 PM

As a test, I put in one partner of my age, which could indicate two high school sweethearts who never had any other partners. Based upon that supposition, the calculator decided:

You have had 167,347 indirect and direct sexual partners.

Now obviously, it's guessing with statistics, however I did find one way to get a solid guess out of it. If you select zero partners, it will report you as having zero indirect and direct sexual partners.

Posted by: MikeD at September 24, 2009 03:02 PM

Not only is asking the age of each woman (or men in the case of the ladies taking the quiz) you slept with a bit difficult to answer, especially for a member of the
married rather late in life after sowing some wild oats and is now a member of the Cresting, if not Over, the Hill Gang. But then to imply that it was so boring that sleeping was involved. Sheesh.

Ha! that reminds me of an old joke, since we're on the topic of whoopie;

A young, beautiful woman marries a rich, 90 year old man for his money, thinking she’ll make his heart give out on their wedding night and his wealth will then be hers.

The wedding night rolls around, and so after the ceremony and festivities they retire to their honeymoon suite.

In no time, the young lady, in a state of sexy, Victoria’s Secret nightieness repose looks at her new husband and says, “why don’t you come to bed, honey?” To which he says with a smile, "I'll be back in just a moment". And off he goes to the bathroom to prepare.

Five minutes pass and out comes the old man wearing nothing but a condom, a set of ear plugs, and a set of nose plugs.

Startled by the old man's accouterments, the young wife asks, “what in the world are you doing?”

The old man replies, “if there’s two things I can’t stand, it’s the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber.”

Rimshot!

Posted by: bt_Henny-Youngman_hun at September 24, 2009 03:13 PM

Bthun, That was great!

Posted by: Russ at September 24, 2009 03:43 PM

Men :)

Posted by: Cassandra at September 24, 2009 04:50 PM

You rang?

Posted by: BillT & The Other BillT at September 24, 2009 04:56 PM

Not as funny as bthuns, but it still make me laugh (what can I say? I'm a sick puppy):

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

Overjoyed, he runs out to tell the doctor, who promptly suggests the man should go back into the room and try oral sex. The doctor, being a discrete man, says he will wait outside as he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed by his observation of such a personal act.

So the man goes into the room. About five minutes later out he comes - white as a sheet - and informs the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks, "Well for Pete's sake, what happened?"

Sadly, the man replies: "She choked."

Posted by: Cassandra at September 24, 2009 04:58 PM

From the case files:

Whilst a married couple is in the midst of a very passionate interlude, the husband dies of a heart attack.

As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that her departed husband has a severe and somewhat awkward case of rigor mortis, or as Mae West observed, are you happy to see me or is that a... Anyway the mortician goes on to explain that this condition will detract from the public viewing during the open casket service.

The widow thinks for a moment and then instructs the mortician to remove the offending member and to place it in her dear, departed husbands' posterior.

The mortician is stunned by the instruction and begins to protest, but the widow is adamant, so the mortician acquiesces.

On the day of the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man are startled to see a tear in the corner of the eye of the deceased, but the widow assured them that there is no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans into the casket and whispers into the ear of her dead husband, "I told you it hurt."

Posted by: Joe Dirt - Marriage Counselor to the Stars at September 24, 2009 05:53 PM

I shudder to even contemplate it... ;-)

Posted by: camojack at September 25, 2009 01:41 AM

Eliminating the unnecessary introductory scene:

The Italian said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for ten minutes!"

The Jewish guy said, "Well, last week when I had sex with my wife, I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two men were stunned. The Frenchman asked "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish guy said: "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

Posted by: BillT at September 25, 2009 06:04 PM

From the case files:

A SOCOM operator who happens to be a ventriloquist enters into a Pashtun village on recon, where upon he sees a shepherd, a suspected Taliban leader, sitting on a bolder with a dog:

SOCOM: "Nice dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Shepherd: "The dog do not talk!"

SOCOM: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Alright"

Shepherd: (Extreme look of shock)

SOCOM: "Is this your owner? (pointing at shepherd)"

Dog: "Yes."

SOCOM: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Good. He walk me twice a day, feed me good, and take me to stream in valley once a week to play."

Shepherd: (Look of disbelief)

SOCOM: "Mind if I talk to your donkey?"

Shepherd: "Donkey don't talk!"

SOCOM: "Hey donkey, how's it goin?"

Donkey: "Good."

Shepherd: (an even wilder look of shock)

SOCOM: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at shepherd)

Donkey: "Yes."

SOCOM: "How's he treat you?"

Donkey: "Pretty good. He ride me regular, brush me down often, beat me seldom, and keep me in shelter to protect me from elements."

Shepherd: (total look of amazement)

SOCOM: "Mind if I talk to your goats?"

Shepherd: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Go-goat-goats do nothing but lie!" "No talk to goats!"

Posted by: Abbasid Caliph Haroun al-Rashid Marriage Counselor to the mountain peoples at September 25, 2009 08:08 PM

We already know I'm not the average person in my age group. And I'm glad I'm not:

Based on information entered into this calculator, people in your age group have had 3,330,834 indirect sexual partners

What was it a friend of mine in college said once, in reference to sleeping with someone who had slept with someone else previously? "I don't want someone else's sleptovers..." That, at least, is not something I've had to worry about.

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at September 26, 2009 02:07 AM

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