« No Shame | Main | Stay Classy, Hollywood... »

October 01, 2009

Obama's Lookin' Out for You!

Well no wonder Obama hasn't gotten around to formulating a strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Far more urgent matters require his attention these days...

ABC News has learned that President Obama signed an executive order last night banning federal employees from text-messaging while on government business, driving government vehicles or using government equipment. The executive order also directs executive departments and agencies to encourage contractors and contractor employees to adopt and enforce policies to ban texting while driving on official government business.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood will announce the executive order in his closing remarks later today wrapping up the two-day Distracted Driving Summit. "This order sends a very clear signal to the American public that distracted driving is dangerous and unacceptable," LaHood will say.

LaHood will also outline some wider concrete actions to combat what he called the "epidemic of distracted driving."

"To put it plainly, distracted driving is a menace to society," LaHood said at the opening of the summit yesterday.

We'll say. A finely honed sense of priorities is, we firmly believe, essential to successful and safe operation of a motor vehicle... or a large industrial superpower. The White House also announced a slew of other Presidential directives drafted with your safety and well being at heart:

1. Noting that too many Americans these days are sporting excess avoir dupoir, the IRS will now be requiring taxpayers to declare their consumption of trans fats on a new section of Form 1040. Exceeding the recommended levels of these unhealthy fats will result in a hefty "share the health" surcharge added to the marginal tax rates in each income bracket.

Because eating healthy can be expensive this surcharge will be tied to income rather than strict consumption guidelines; thus allowing the less affluent to increase their consumption of healthy foods like certified organic Tuscan Kale and Asian pears.

09.jpg2. The Department of Education is expected to announce a groundbreaking national comprehensive policy on bicycle riding. "A decision this important cannot be rushed" remarked the President, who has convened a blue ribbon panel of experts to study the issue in depth. Because traffic hazards vary with local conditions, the DOE is expected to mandate the wearing of federally approved safety gear for juvenile bike riders.

3. When was the last time you flossed your teeth? Gum disease expenditures in the United States have risen faster than inflation, threatening the nation's economic recovery. Fixing this tremendous problem will require the cooperation of every American. We cannot afford to indulge in Danish cookies and pork rinds, passing the cost along to our fellow Americans in the form of higher dental insurance bills. We must all do our part, because we are all in this together.

4. Beginning the first quarter of 2010, President Obama urges Americans to limit their experimentation to approved, low risk sexual positions (such as the popular "missionary" or "doggie style"). Non-approved positions such as this are highly discouraged.

5. Are you tired of paying annoying late fees on your credit card bills because you didn't bother to read the cardholder agreement? Well that's about to become a thing of the past. No American should have to abide by the terms of a contract he or she voluntarily entered into. The White House knows you're too busy to concern yourself with annoying details like making sure you understand the fee schedules of banks with whom you do business. Simply "disclosing" these terms to you in writing and asking you to certify that you have read and agree to these terms is tantamount to predatory lending. Happily, the federal government is happy to intervene on your behalf to protect you from agreements you haven't read even though you said you did.

Yes, yes we can be a safer, healthier, happier America. Just remember: there's a federal solution for just about everything these days.

Because somewhere, someone is about to do something really, really stupid. And your President is here to make sure that if you do, we all pay.

Update: If this were not really happening, the Editorial Staff would be forced to make it up:

Yesterday, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood kicked off the Distracted Driving Summit. Secretary LaHood challenged over 250 safety experts, industry representatives, elected officials, members of the public, and even mommy bloggers to help put an end to distracted driving.

And to think I was being sarcastic earlier.

Somewhere, a sparrow has fallen. It comforts me no end to know that our federal government will be there to pick up the pieces.

Posted by Cassandra at October 1, 2009 02:27 PM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.villainouscompany.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/3191

Comments

Well I, for one, certainly hope that they manage to find time to legislate the correct method of wiping after elimination.

Bladder infections are rampant, after all. I'm sure that mandating specially spiked toilet paper (kind of like the stuff that pierces tires if you go over them the wrong direction) will save the country loads of money in Bactrim prescriptions.

Posted by: airforcewife at October 1, 2009 04:52 PM

For millenia, medical research has shown conclusively that fewer women fall into the toilet in the middle of the night when their male counterparts remember to return the commode seat into the lowered position following personal elimination. However, recent studies show that when males not only lower the commode seat, but the commode seat cover as well, most women can still not recognize the personal peril they place themselves in by repeating going to the bathroom in the dark. Consequently, to combat this problem First lady Michelle Obama will head up a new task force to endlessly study the economic feasibilty mandating wall-mounted urinals in every home and place of business housing or employing more than one male as opposed to making them sleep outsiede inthe backyard.

Posted by: spr rdr at October 1, 2009 05:14 PM

However, recent studies show that when males not only lower the commode seat, but the commode seat cover as well, most women can still not recognize the personal peril they place themselves in by repeating going to the bathroom in the dark.

Salvation is at hand!

http://bathtimeshowercurtains.com/pro1308023.html

Posted by: BillT at October 1, 2009 05:21 PM

You know, for years I've read about all the strife supposedly caused by men leaving the toilet seat up.

I must be nuts, but I have lived in a house with nothing but men for 30 years and I really don't care. As long as the toilet is flushed, the seat can be up or down.

I think my husband puts it down anyway but I can't say that I have really noticed one way or another. Honestly how freaking hard is it to LOOK at the darned toilet before you sit down?

Another thing I adamantly REFUSE to care about is how the toilet paper is hung. I am not even consistent 100% of the time about this, though I'm partial to "under".

Aye chihuahua.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 1, 2009 05:42 PM

They can have my Tantric bungie cords when they pry them from my cold, dead exo-skeleton!

Posted by: bt_the-rebounding_hun at October 1, 2009 07:18 PM

Yanno.... there are times when you people scare me :p

Posted by: Cassandra at October 1, 2009 07:24 PM

We're slipping. That should happen *all* the time...

Posted by: BillT at October 1, 2009 07:41 PM

M'lady, they say that fear results from a lack of understanding. That may mean that you are not be seeing our messages clearly.

To try to avoid misunderstandings, please clean your monitor's screen on the outside, and afterwards, run this utility to clean the monitor on the inside.

Building bridges since, at least, the 17th century... =8^}

Posted by: bt_the-rebounding_hun-with-more-Zen! at October 1, 2009 08:22 PM

"you are not be seeing"?!
I think my Zen just channeled Flip Wilson's, the Judge.

Posted by: bt_the-rebounding_hun-with-more-Zen! at October 1, 2009 08:30 PM

Toilet paper is always over, not under.

And who is this "spr rdr" character?

He's new around here, isn't he (she?)?

Inflate your tires fully, the planet's climate is at stake.
That is all.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at October 1, 2009 08:37 PM

"Toilet paper is always over, not under."
*shakes head to clear disturbing image of person standing on head when toilet paper step comes into play*

My daily carbon credit is tapped out and so the lights begin to flicker. And with that I'll say g'nite M'lady, Bill, Don, Spd, ladies, gentlemen, and all the ships at sea...

Posted by: bt_the-rebounding_hun-with-more-Zen! at October 1, 2009 11:38 PM

Toilet paper is always over, not under.

Yes, that is what my esteemed spouse tells me.

I try not to sweat the small stuff :p

I tend to hang it whatever way it was before it ran out. But I prefer under b/c when my boys were small they would spin it and it would come all unraveled. If I hung it under, the little monkeys had a harder time doing that to me.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 1, 2009 11:47 PM

He's new around here, isn't he (she?)?

I think spr is a she. The fishnets and lime green hot pants gave her away ...

*running like mad for the barricades*

Posted by: Cassandra at October 1, 2009 11:48 PM

Beginning the first quarter of 2010, President Obama urges Americans to limit their experimentation to approved, low risk sexual positions (such as the popular "missionary" or "doggie style"). Non-approved positions such as this are highly discouraged.

TMI perhaps, but I happen to really like the position depicted in that link.

But speaking of the toilet seat controversy, I have yet to hear a guy complain that he had to lift it before taking a pee; the damned thing does work both ways, fer cryin' out loud. Look before you, ummm, leak! As it were...

Posted by: camojack at October 2, 2009 01:15 AM

Being jealous will get you nowhere in the majors, cupcake.

Posted by: spd rdr at October 2, 2009 02:08 AM

Admit it spd -- she *does* look better in hot pants than you do.

Posted by: BillT at October 2, 2009 07:33 AM

spd just talks trash to cheer me up :p

On a more serious note, I am just hoping that his fishnets are black this time. Red fishnets with lime green hot pants is just too horrible to contemplate.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 2, 2009 08:38 AM

TMI perhaps, but I happen to really like the position depicted in that link.

SELFISH PERSON! How you uncivic-minded Neanderthals can expect the rest of us to foot the bill for your risky life style choices is beyond me...

Posted by: Barack Obama and the Health Reform Steamrollah at October 2, 2009 08:41 AM

Miss Cass,

While I can appreciate a good snark as well as the next person, I fear this time you have crossed the line of good taste and decorum. How DARE you make fun of the Littlest Stormtrooper?!?

I was shocked and outraged beyond measure that you would associate this innocent girl with Federal programs. How irresponsible and reckless must you be in order to push your extreme right-wing leftist feminazi mysogynistic patriarchical wombocentric agenda? Is nothing sacred anymore?

I will not be satisfied until you post a public apology, spend a week in the stocks wearing a sign stating "I want poor people to die", and never be allowed to post on the internet again, all so that First Amendment rights for everyone are properly protected.

[This moment of internet overheated outrage brought to you by the letter ~ and the number threeve.]

Posted by: MikeD at October 2, 2009 08:50 AM

How irresponsible and reckless must you be in order to push your extreme right-wing leftist feminazi mysogynistic patriarchical wombocentric agenda? Is nothing sacred anymore?

SILENCE, FOOLISH MAN! (ok, that last part was totally redundant)

Every word from your jackbooted, testosterone-laced temple of unearned gender privileges rapes Mother Gaia AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN! You are probably also a racist.

Posted by: Ovulating Pointlessly in the Moonlight at October 2, 2009 09:08 AM

Huh, and all this time I thought it was a *real* one. Guess that explains why *fixing it* is always at the top of the Unit's "Honey Do(Me)" list.
0>:~}

Posted by: DL Sly at October 2, 2009 11:30 AM

Looks like the IOC just took B.O. up on his Honey Do(Me) invitation.

All that sacrifice, wasted...

Posted by: bt_the-rebounding_hun-with-more-Zen! at October 2, 2009 11:47 AM

And what's with all the puppet porn? I suspect some of those marionettes are under age! Perverts.

Posted by: MikeD at October 2, 2009 12:00 PM

Somehow it just makes everything look dirtier to me, using stick figures.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 2, 2009 12:19 PM

After all is said and done, we would not be having a good portion of the above cited conversations if the ladies would just be considerate enough to leave the seat as they found it - that is, in the up position!

Posted by: RIslander at October 2, 2009 12:33 PM

You think that's filthy, you haven't seen nuthin till you've seen furnitureporn.com hot chaise on chaise action, lawn chairs getting nasty, check out the upholstery on THESE loveseats!

Posted by: MikeD at October 2, 2009 12:33 PM

"Looks like the IOC just took B.O. up on his Honey Do(Me) invitation.

All that sacrifice, wasted..."

FLOTUS: Ah, gee, we didn't get the bid. I know just the thing to perk me up....*dials BFFs Valerie and Oprah on cell phone*....Girls, get your perdiem cards ready, we're going shopping!

Posted by: DL Sly at October 2, 2009 12:35 PM

Lime green hot pants and fishnets was, like, sooooooo before lunch.

Now everyone's going kanga-roovy!

Posted by: spd rdr at October 2, 2009 01:02 PM

"Now everyone's going kanga-roovy! "
Now you're talking!

*Meanwhile in the office of the Under Ministry of Regulatory Regulators Regulating at the pleasure of Obama-Prime, via Cass Sunstein, a party breaks out*

Posted by: Hip PoTamus J.D. Specializing in Fauna Tort law at October 2, 2009 01:42 PM

Somehow it just makes everything look dirtier to me, using stick figures.

Not to mention the problem of splinters...

Posted by: Bill Z.Z. ZydecoT at October 2, 2009 03:40 PM

Post a comment

To reduce comment spam, comments on older posts are put into moderation 5 days after the last activity. Comments with more than one link also go into moderation. If you don't see your comment after posting it, try refreshing the screen. If you still don't see it, your comment is probably in the moderation queue.




Remember Me?

(you may use HTML tags for style)