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April 26, 2010

Coffee Snorters, Kissing Cousins Edition

We realized this morning that it hath been many moons since the Editorial Staff regaled the assembled villainry with the daring exploits of the Gay Quadruped Community. So if you've been wondering what Knut the Adorably Psychotic Teen Bear is up to these days, wonder no more.


You can file this dispatch under: "They're Always After Me Lucky Charms....":

PETA is now demanding that Berlin zookeepers castrate Knut, as things have started to get fairly serious between the Vanity Fair cover bear and his girlfriend Giovanna. Giovanna hails from Munich, but has been temporarily crashing with Knut while her place there was getting fixed up. Of course things were a little tense at first—she hit his face; he gradually grew out of his boyish good looks—but over time they just got used to living together and eventually they fell in love. The twist is that Giovanna and Knut actually share a grandfather. It’s always something, isn’t it?
“Knut fans should be aware that only Knut’s castration would allow a long-term cohabitation of Giovanna and Knut. All other hopes and desires would bring the polar bear population in captivity to its pre-programmed demise even more rapidly,” said a PETA spokesman, as reported in Der Spiegel.

On the bright side, the International Association for the Inexplicable Anthropomorphization of Unwitting Bears now has a new catchphrase: incest depression.

Any offspring would threaten the genetic diversity of the polar bear population in Germany and risk susceptibility to a condition known as "incest depression", he said.

ambiguously_gay_dachshund.jpgWhat I want to know is: does this mean PETA has succumbed to epistemic closure on the important topic of gay polar bear sexuality? Meanwhile, in other gay mammal news, go here for an enlightening discussion of canine homosexuality.

The Internet is a deeply weird place.

Previous Knut-blogging:

Important Gay Polar Bear Update

Important Knut The Adorably Gay Polar Bear Newsflash

Will Palin Cost McCain Gay Polar Bear Vote?

Important Polar Bear Annoyance Alert

Posted by Cassandra at April 26, 2010 03:19 PM

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Seriously, why can't they leave the poor bear alone??

Posted by: olga at April 26, 2010 04:35 PM

Why do I hear Judy Garland show tunes in the background whenever you do one of these posts?

Posted by: BillT at April 26, 2010 05:02 PM

"Why do I hear Judy Garland show tunes in the background...."

Ummmm,...you're listening to your eight-track player?

Posted by: Snarkammando at April 26, 2010 05:16 PM

Nup -- I don't hold with any of that new-fangled stuff.

Posted by: BillT at April 26, 2010 05:45 PM

I think that its nice that they share a grandfather. Although extremely useful, perhaps indispensible, in the survival of the species, grandfathers are oftern overlooked in the grand scheme of passing on bear wisdom, bear folklore, and nasty bear habits. But each day the number of grandfathers is shrinking, while the number of hungry young cubs eager to eat baby seals is on the rise. So it's heartening to read that, at least in enlightened Europe, intelligent mammals like Knute and Gina are putting there selfishness aside and sharing a grandpa.

Posted by: spd rdr at April 26, 2010 06:47 PM

I'd have thought Nudge was gay too if he'd shown up at my establishment dressed like that. The more important point, though, is how could anybody actually take seriously the suggestion that Nudge was a "guide dog". Unless you were going on a badger hunt.

Update on the "out with the old and in with the new" front:

New catchphrase of the moment: "If it feels good, hump it"

Old catchphrase with new meaning: "Nudge Nudge Wink Wink"

Posted by: I Call BS at April 26, 2010 08:04 PM

The more important point, though, is how could anybody actually take seriously the suggestion that Nudge was a "guide dog".

I'm not sure that the photo that went with that article was a photo of Nudge :p Although it could have been!

Posted by: Cassandra at April 26, 2010 08:11 PM

So, since he is apparently interested in the opposite sex, I take it that you mean gay in its original sense?

Posted by: camojack at April 27, 2010 03:46 AM

since he is apparently interested in the opposite sex, I take it that you mean gay in its original sense?

I will admit that I didn't make my point clear, but the main thrust of these posts has been to make fun of PETA and the Euro-weenies for their constant psychoanalyzing of a bear :p

I didn't think he was gay either. Or psychotic.

Since this poor bear was born, activists have tried to have him killed because life in a zoo isn't worth living, decided he was gay, decided he was psychotic/neurotic, and now have decided he's in an unhealth and incestuous relationship with a female that requires him to be deprived of his man parts.

Someone has way too much time on their hands.

Posted by: Cassandra at April 27, 2010 07:56 AM

Hey he may be a bi-guy bear, but now that Giovanna has fallen for him, let nature take its course.

Posted by: Mike Myers at April 27, 2010 10:49 AM

I like that: "Bi-Guy Bear". Sounds like a kids' cartoon character!

Posted by: Cassandra at April 27, 2010 10:55 AM

So if Knut is gay, castration preserves the status quo? He is not allowed a gurlfriend?
Now that Globull Warming is no longer a threat, I would think that allowing Knut and his hawt lady to have the pitter-patter of little paws would be one *right* they would automatically have.


Posted by: Cricket at April 27, 2010 12:08 PM

Do bears engage in incest in the woods?

Posted by: I Call BS at April 27, 2010 04:14 PM

The better question is if they do and Phred Phelps isn't around to see it, will The WBC protest its funeral?

Posted by: Yu-Ain Gonnano at April 27, 2010 04:50 PM

I wonder how many bears I'll wind up shooting if I eventually get that Summer cabin I'm contemplating building in Alaska...

Posted by: camojack at April 28, 2010 01:43 AM

Cassie! Izzat a pic of your new goggie?

Posted by: loldogs at April 28, 2010 08:46 AM

If the PETA's out there want to deprive Knut of his oysters, I suggest that we toss them into his castle and let them try it. I'm betting on the bear. (By the way, in Australia, they castrate lambs with their teeth, I've been told...)

Posted by: Oh Hell at April 29, 2010 11:07 PM