October 25, 2010
Important Ursine Misandry Alert
Betwixt largely unprofitable attempts to make The Unit feel guilty about the distressingly puppy-free state of the Marital Abode and the joyous contemplation of the non-linear interaction between the code volume, effort and schedule of delivered software projects, The Blog Princess has found precious little time of late for stunning readers senseless with her random musings.
But there are times when even the busiest among us must set aside mundane tasks for the vastly more important work of keeping the blatherosphere appraised of the growing menace of Ursine Misandry.
When last we left our fave sexually confused teen bear, he was sporting a soul patch and cavorting with sloe-eyed Italian bear-babes whilst PETA operatives schemed to deprive him of his Lucky Charms:
PETA is now demanding that Berlin zookeepers castrate Knut, as things have started to get fairly serious between the Vanity Fair cover bear and his girlfriend Giovanna. Giovanna hails from Munich, but has been temporarily crashing with Knut while her place there was getting fixed up. Of course things were a little tense at first—she hit his face; he gradually grew out of his boyish good looks—but over time they just got used to living together and eventually they fell in love. The twist is that Giovanna and Knut actually share a grandfather. It’s always something, isn’t it?
“Knut fans should be aware that only Knut’s castration would allow a long-term cohabitation of Giovanna and Knut. All other hopes and desires would bring the polar bear population in captivity to its pre-programmed demise even more rapidly,” said a PETA spokesman, as reported in Der Spiegel.
Ah, but the course of true love ne'er doth run smooth, doth it? In the fullness of time it was revealed that the young hussy was more interested in his carrots than his stick (groan...):
The polar bear, who was joined by Gianna in September last year at Berlin Zoo, did not appear to be upset at the separation, as she had reportedly been stealing his carrots since she moved in.
And isn't that just like a woman? Of course it was just a short trip from Vegetable Thievery to the Hell of Domestic Violence:
The Berlin Zoo's adorable polar bear, who shot to global fame as a cub, is reportedly being bullied by a trio of older females, causing the country's media to worry about the superstar's love life.
Playing hard to get, The Telegraph reports that "Knut has become a heap of misery, instead of enjoying himself with the three ladies, he cowers fearfully in a corner."
For several weeks, the 3-year-old bear has shared his zoo enclosure with his mother, Tosca, and two other females, Nancy and Katjusch, with the intent of finding a mate. However, Knut, who is definitely not a fan of tough love, has instead become the victim of a number violent altercations.
As if his current troubles weren't depressing enough, the beknighted celebrity bear must also deal with the misandric musings of rampant speciests:
One video posted online showed Katjuscha hurling herself at Knut's throat, in an apparent attempt to bite him, before tipping him into the water.
"These sad images of Knut are pulling the heartstrings of people around the world," said Bild.
But Heiner Kloes, Knut's keeper, downplayed the affair, telling AFP it was "only two minutes in the life of a bear."
"It was a small altercation that is completely normal among bears," he said, underlining that the four bears were still getting used to living together.
"For the time being, Knut is not yet an adult male and doesn't yet know how to get respect like his father did. But day by day, he is imposing himself and with time, this type of problem will go away," he said.
This is where we must turn to you, dear readers, for help. Will a thorough mastery of Game help poor Knut get in touch with his Inner Alpha or will he settle for an emotionally barren existence relieved only by the sporadic use of panda porn and confusing sex toys? Will our little cultural bellwether eventually triumph over the sexist machinations of his critics or will Bearkind suffer the loss of yet another talented spokesbear?
Is there a reality TV show in his future? Does Obama have a plan for this, too?
Stay tuned, haters.
Posted by Cassandra at October 25, 2010 12:04 PM
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Of course, with Mom standing there watching, it makes things a little more difficult for everyone.
Posted by: htom at October 25, 2010 01:52 PM
Get a cat, Ma'am. Better, get two cats.
Will a thorough mastery of Game help poor Knut get in touch with his Inner Alpha...?
Both you and Knut could learn much from Frasier:
Posted by: E Hines at October 25, 2010 01:54 PM
That's Mr. Ursus Maritimus. I've worked so hard....eons of evolving a glistening fur body thong and 27" teeth to gain that *killer* reputation with lady polar bears and for what? An epic failure to launch. Well, you try getting *close* to that special friend with your mother in the next room! And now, not only do I not have any carrots, somebody wants my *lucky charms*, too!
Posted by: Polarus Tex at October 25, 2010 04:47 PM
I love you guys :)
Posted by: Cassandra at October 25, 2010 04:51 PM
Well, Ma'am, if you don't mean it, why are you spending the bandwidth? My heart lion's heart is devastated.
Posted by: E Hines at October 25, 2010 08:49 PM
Posted by: Cassandra at October 25, 2010 08:57 PM
I think Knut needs to read the random but focused musings of the Blog Princess on Relations between Men and Women.
Then, go to a few PUA sites to practice some lines.
I predict a cub or two.
Posted by: Cricket at October 25, 2010 10:13 PM
Deprive him of his Lucky Charms?
Posted by: Anon at October 25, 2010 11:23 PM
Has anyone ever noticed how often women of a lefty persuasion seem to get obsessed with castrating things. Not just guys, figuratively, but every hapless male animal that falls into their clutches. I can't remember how many times I was given the evil eye by animal "lovers" who asked me why I hadn't had my male golden retriever "fixed". He lived to a happy, healthy 13 1/2 years of age, with no misadventures and (so far as I know) no offspring either. Poor beast, he had an abusive first time mother who so snapped at her pups that tho the bloodlines were spectacular, we got him VERY young. He so bonded to us that he thought he was a human. Every female dog he approached with a "Hmm...something here" would sense his hesitancy and snarl at him.
We, ever hopeful that he might meet his true love and pass on his beautiful genes, didn't fix him. As a result, he didn't get fat and lazy because he would run away periodically. Of course, it's possible he had a secret family we never knew about..
Posted by: retriever at October 25, 2010 11:40 PM
I have never seen the sense of 'fixing' something that ain't broke. OTOH, we had a couple of female cats who had litters in our house, and we got all of them spayed after they got caught and had their litters.
There is a level of responsibility that you have to be willing to take. In your case, it would not have made sense to keep him intact if you weren't going to breed him and just have him as a pet. That is what boggled their puerile little minds. How dare you make that decision for your doggy!
Come to think of it, on a deeper level, could 'fixing' animals be a metaphor for government and the people?
Posted by: Cricket at October 26, 2010 09:04 AM
I don't know about *metaphor* per se, but 'neutered' does seem to be an appropriate description for those Demoncrat Congresscritters of the male persuasion.
Posted by: DL Sly at October 26, 2010 09:12 AM
Has anyone ever noticed how often women of a lefty persuasion seem to get obsessed with castrating things.
Aww, Retriever, have a heart. They're just trying to clean up their ecology. After all, the genetic males in their world already are castrati....
Posted by: E Hines at October 26, 2010 10:02 AM
So, if the genetic males are already castrati, then that means eventually liberal ideology will die out?
Posted by: Cricket at October 26, 2010 12:46 PM
Unfortunately, no. Too many Pelosis, and too much parthenogenesis.
Posted by: E Hines at October 26, 2010 01:27 PM
Dream on, Cricket! Don't we all wish! Unfortunately, what they lack in virility, they make up for in craftiness. Think Wormtongue in LOTR, keeping the decent king under a spell. They are very good at captivating our young also...
Posted by: Retriever at October 26, 2010 01:30 PM