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April 03, 2012

Guilty Pleasure

The Blog Princess knows it's bad for her, but somehow she just can't resist:

Dear Prudence,

I've been happily married for more than 10 years to a great woman, and we have two amazing kids. I still find my wife very attractive, and I enjoy our intimate sessions. There's one thing that I don't know how to address. My wife works out frequently and has a great body for a mom of two. However, she has a significant amount of cellulite in her thighs, mostly in the back and some on her buttocks. I know she's got an issue with it. If she's undressing in front of me or is in the bathroom naked, she always turns to make sure I'm not seeing her thighs. When swimming she wears a towel and takes it off just before she enters the water. We have never discussed this in all our years together. Her thighs are a bit of a turnoff, but not a deal killer. We can afford treatment to remove the cellulite, but I'm unsure how to best approach this option or create a space for her to come to the conclusion on her own. Or should I just ignore it?

—Unsure Husband

Feel free to offer your best advice to Unsure Husband in the comments section. Because here at VC, we're caring like that.

Posted by Cassandra at April 3, 2012 05:10 AM

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Ask her if she would like you to remove your muffin-top, and how, as a conversation starter.

Posted by: tomg51 at April 3, 2012 11:25 AM

I am wondering how fast he can run? :p

Posted by: Cassandra at April 3, 2012 11:50 AM

Dear Unsure,

Take your left hand and place it on a suitably strong surface. Now, in your right hand grab a hammer, and smash it down on your left hand. Good, once you recover ask me the question again.

Hint: We can repeat this exercise until you come to your senses, and forget all about bringing up the cellulite business.

Posted by: Allen at April 3, 2012 12:07 PM

Dear Unsure:

I have the perfect solution for you: ask the grandparents to take the kids for a month while you and the Missus go on a romantic getaway to an exotic location with plastic surgery services.

You can begin with a relationship building exercise in which the two of you make a secret list of all the things you don't like about each other's bodies. No peeking!

Be frank - after all, this is a joyous voyage of self discovery and improvement. Once you're sure you've listed all of your mate's body flaws, trade lists. Make sure to give a copy to the doctor so he can transform you both into your "best selves".

Once you've taken care of those annoying physical flaws, why stop there? Make a list of everything you each wish you could change about the other and use it to negotiate The New Normal.

I guarantee that once you have both changed each other into the idea dream mate, your sex life will be even better and you'll feel closer than ever!

Oh, and don't forget to take my card. We're having a 25% off special on uncontested divorces in May.


Marvin Waters
Attorney at Law

Posted by: Cassandra at April 3, 2012 12:34 PM

Dear Prudence,

My wife is getting a bit long in the tooth. Is it OK if I retire her to a very comfortable pasture and pick up a younger, haler model?


Eric Hines

Posted by: E Hines at April 3, 2012 03:36 PM

Posted by: Abby Normal at April 3, 2012 07:05 PM

Boy, I haven't heard that one in ages :)

Posted by: Cassandra at April 3, 2012 07:48 PM

So there are at least two other people in the world who recognize that song? Good to know!

Posted by: tomg51 at April 4, 2012 08:18 AM

Dear Unsure:

The Master said: In strolling in the company of two other persons, I am bound to find a teacher. Identifying their strengths, I follow them, and identifying their weaknesses, I reform myself accordingly. -- Analects 7:22, tr. Ames/Rosemont

Even a fool can learn from a sage.

Posted by: htom at April 4, 2012 02:40 PM

Ah, the way I'm reading this he's saying that HE doesn't have a huge deal with this, his WIFE does, and he's trying to find a way to bring it up to her that if she's so bothered about this he's willing to spend the money.

My advice to him is to keep his mouth shut. I cannot think of a way for him to bring this up that would result in her not thinking he's got an issue with this.

Posted by: RonF at April 4, 2012 02:44 PM

You could be right, Ron.

This just struck me as very weird.

Her thighs are a bit of a turnoff, but not a deal killer. [YIKES - I SHOULD HOPE NOT!]

The behavior he describes (his wife covering up with a towel until she gets in the water) is pretty normal for women. I wore bikinis until I was in my late 40s - I was thin enough and in shape enough, but more importantly I asked my husband (he's pretty critical of people wearing clothes they shouldn't) and he said he thought I looked fine.

But even as a teen, I always put a towel around my middle if I was walking around at the beach or pool. I didn't like being checked out by people I don't know.

If his wife is acting like that when they are alone, it's a fair bet she has picked up on something from him.

I can't imagine my husband having a cosmetic surgical procedure, and even more than that I can't imagine worrying about how to suggest to him that we have enough money [hint, hint!] for him to fix himself.

We all get older and childbirth has an effect on most of us. If she's going to the gym regularly and keeping her weight down, that ought to be enough.

Posted by: Cassandra at April 4, 2012 03:04 PM

1) Invent an entire new language to express these thoughts without sounding like a Neanderthal caveman griping about his woman.
2) Teach this new language to your wife.
3) Bring up the subject carefully, over a period of years, one syllable at a time....
Oh, never mind. There IS no way to accomplish the task you specify.
We've been married thirty now; she is still a fine woman, despite losing most of her hair, a whole lot of energy and one boob to cancer.
I love her, she knows it, and she still finds it hard to go out in anything but conservative clothing (hiding scars that extend all the way up to the collarbone takes fabric). She has a few more wrinkles than she did 30 years ago, and a few more pounds as well. But I have her back, and she has mine; I wouldn't trade for a more recent, untested model for any reason.
What were you complaining about, again? Cellulite?

Posted by: Jim at April 6, 2012 01:10 AM

Unsure, dude, ignore it. She probably overlooks something stuuuuuuuuuuuupid you do constanly so call it even and move on. Nice try at being supportive, but it needs work, 'yo.

Posted by: ry at April 6, 2012 09:56 AM

I have her back, and she has mine; I wouldn't trade for a more recent, untested model for any reason.

You know, every time I get dragged down by Internet ugliness, you gentlemen restore my faith in humanity :)

Posted by: Cassandra at April 6, 2012 11:56 AM