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February 06, 2013

The VC Annual "Hating on Valentine's Day" Post

It hath become something of a tradition here to gently mock St. Valentine's day. Because we are all about the traditions, this year will be no different. But first, a little stroll down mammary memory lane. In past years, we've explained why we hate Valentine's Day, urged women to up their game, provided helpful advice to the assembled villainry on how not to get lucky, and given priceless gift-giving advice to the Oink Cadre.

This year, we've found the perfect gift(s) for the uterus-having contingent - one that should warm the cockles of every man's heart. Our first suggestion is this lovely sentiment that memorializes the deep joy virtually every married man on the planet experiences when he hears you speak those immortal words, "Honey, we need to talk":

Ladies, you can gift the man in your life with this wondrous bauble for a paltry 200 dollars! But if tiny porcelain boxes don't make his manly heart go pitter-patter, there's always the coveted Pair O' Herend Kissing Swans. They come in traditional and evolved versions.

Here's the traditional pair:

Lovely, ¿no es verdad? Let's face it: who among us has not secretly desired a pair of lip-locked swans? The more highly (or recently) evolved amongst us should probably order one of the same sex versions:

If none of the preceding appeal, there's even a green model. I have absolutely no idea what's going on here, but suspect it involves bamboo sheets, oodles of pleather, and sex toys that have not (we repeat, NOT) been tested on animals:

Readers who truly care about their significant others can pick up one of these gems for a cool $600. The rest of you losers (i.e., selfish cads and caddettes who don't care about anyone but themselves) will have to be content with this list.

Or you could buck the tide and go with the gift everyone really wants: your time and attention. Isn't that what love is all about?

Posted by Cassandra at February 6, 2013 07:38 AM

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Comments

There's nothing wrong with setting aside a day to gently mock romance as long as we leave the rest of the days, excepting the high holidays, to gently mock marriage. Since it's not yet Valentine's Day...

All that is said to constitute a happy marriage is a fib or a come-on - except one – Balzac's notion that a happylife time coupling could be had only with a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Posted by: George Pal at February 6, 2013 12:25 PM

I often wonder if there's something terribly wrong with me when the topic of marriage comes up.

Next month will be our 34th anniversary. We dated for two years before that. So we've been together a long time.

There are times when my husband does things that annoy or hurt me, and certainly there have been times in my life when I've chafed a bit under the bonds of holy matrimony. But mostly, marriage has been a source of joy and tremendous comfort in a very troubling world. How many people get to live with their very best friend, ever?

I've never really stopped loving the feel of his arm around me just before I fall asleep. No matter how bad the day was or how stressed I am at work, for a brief moment everything seems right with the world.

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time alone and have been happy then, too. But I still think there's something incredibly precious about making a family together: continuing what our parents built for us and passing it all on to a new generation. And now we have grandsons and I am filled with wonder, watching them grow.

Yeah, I know. Kind of sappy and dumb. I think I'm supposed to ponder all the things I gave up to be married, but all I can see is how rich it has made my life.

Posted by: Cass at February 6, 2013 12:53 PM

Now you've gone and done made feel the cretin. That was uncalled for.

Posted by: George Pal at February 6, 2013 01:10 PM

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend, and I wasn't offended by your comment (I thought you might be kidding, but wasn't sure). I can't see facial expressions online, so sometimes I misinterpret things.

When I read your comment, it reminded me of several things I read this morning that were a little upsetting (and that there's no reason for you to know about).

Being online has been kind of weird for me. I had a certain picture of how men are that is based on the men I know in real life. But online, men say so many cutting things about women and marriage that I am often taken aback. I don't know anyone who talks that way in real life and don't know what to make of it.

I guess it makes me wonder if I'm just hopelessly naive, or if the men I know secretly view marriage that negatively?

Anyway, please forgive me if I misunderstood.

Posted by: Cass at February 6, 2013 01:25 PM

Great, you made it worse.

First of all, you'd have no way of knowing it, no-one takes me seriously. I have opinions but none so important that I'd pick a fight in defense of it.

Second, I refuse to use those thing-a-mah-jigs at the end of sentences that are meant to mean something. I still don't know what the hell :p means and I'm embarrassed to ask.

Posted by: George Pal at February 6, 2013 01:50 PM

Great, you made it worse.

George, George, George... making things worse is what we women excel at. It's a gift... sort of our raison d'etre.

Some day a woman will reach the top of that mountain and ask the secret to achieving perfect happiness. A man will be there who will tell her, "Stop thinking" (and you thought it was going to be "stop talking". But she was asking about *her* happiness, not his).

I have no idea whether ":p" has an official meaning. I always took it to mean something on the order of "this is tongue in cheek" or "I'm just playing around". I don't really like emoticons, but I use them b/c it has been my experience that when I don't, people get offended by things I said in jest. So they're a way to let people know I'm not upset, or that I'm kidding so I don't have to continually dig myself out of holes of my own making.

First of all, you'd have no way of knowing it, no-one takes me seriously.

Since I'm already making things worse, allow me to double down on my clumsiness :p

Though your remarks generally have a humorous bent to them, I've found most of your comments to be very perceptive. Except, of course, for the ones I disagree with, which are perfectly dreadful.

*running away before you whack me with a giant clue bat*

Posted by: Cass at February 6, 2013 02:31 PM

"... I've found most of your comments to be very perceptive. Except, of course, for the ones I disagree with, which are perfectly dreadful."

Proving at once your own perceptiveness and my utter inability to be offended.

Posted by: George Pal at February 6, 2013 03:13 PM

I have no idea whether ":p" has an official meaning. I always took it to mean something on the order of "this is tongue in cheek" or "I'm just playing around". I don't really like emoticons, but I use them b/c it has been my experience that when I don't, people get offended by things I said in jest. So they're a way to let people know I'm not upset, or that I'm kidding so I don't have to continually dig myself out of holes of my own making.

I work for The Internet, allow me to help:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emoticons#Western

Posted by: MikeD at February 6, 2013 04:45 PM

Wow. I had never seen a list before. My pop culture street cred is purt' near nonexistent.

I guess I was close enough, though. "Cheeky/playful" is pretty close to tongue in cheek - same idea. Though when I want to blow raspberries (my favorite fruit, by the way), I generally just say, "Pppppttttththththththth!!!"

Posted by: Cass at February 6, 2013 04:50 PM

Proving at once your own perceptiveness and my utter inability to be offended.

Bada boom!
Bada bing!!!

Posted by: Cass at February 6, 2013 04:54 PM

Years ago I developed a Gandalf emoticon. This was when you regularly had ANSI capability, so you'll have to imagine the blue hat and white beard.

(Yes, blue hat. I know. Check the books.)

Posted by: Grim at February 6, 2013 09:26 PM

Heh. I guess it doesn't work with HTML at all, because the opening and closing characters are the ones you'd use for HTML code. It's a pointy hat, after all.

Posted by: Grim at February 6, 2013 09:27 PM

It's Valentine's Day again? Didn't we just have one of those last year? For crying out loud. The pressure! Why do you women so hate your men? We go to work. We come home. And then we go to work again. In between we take out the trash and kill enormous invisible vampire spiders lurking in the bathroom. We panic at Christmas, and our Outlook Calendar sends us reminders DAILY not to forget Your Birthday or Your Wedding Anniversary or Your Car Inspection Due Date. Why do you have to add even more anxiety to our short, brutish lives by insisting that St. Valentine's Day means anything other than the day in 1929 that Al Capone's gang wiped out Bugs Moran's gang in a Chicago garage?

So... What do I get her?

Posted by: spd rdr at February 7, 2013 10:34 AM

Devil's Ivy.

Posted by: Grim at February 7, 2013 11:03 AM

I'm going with chocolate, spd. It's pretty hard to get in trouble with that. And it's more practical than flowers.

Posted by: MikeD at February 7, 2013 11:42 AM

So... What do I get her?

So... I'm thinking that the Evolved Swans didn't do it for you?

Dagnabbit, peoples! :) I give and I give and I give....

We don't do gifts for VDay, so I won't be much help on that one. I'm a big fan of a nice bottle of Cabernet, a little candlelight, and some canoodling (I'm not even sure what that is, but it sounds like it could be fun).

Though the way my work week is going, a really large gun would be a big hit as well.

Posted by: Cass at February 7, 2013 11:56 AM

This year for VD, I'll be sharpening knives and MH will be cleaning guns as the VES will be attending her first Valentine's Day dance -- with a boy.
Guess it's time to stock up on honing oil and CLP....
heh
0>;~}

Posted by: DL Sly at February 7, 2013 02:16 PM

Oh man... I still remember my first dance. I went with a guy named Jim P. and he brought me the loveliest corsage of tiny pink rosebuds. It looked so beautiful with my dress.

Still remember the dress, too :) One of the prettiest I ever had.

Good luck!

Posted by: Cass at February 7, 2013 02:38 PM

Sly, you'll want to use a spoon. It'll hurt more.

Posted by: Sheriff Nottingham at February 7, 2013 03:50 PM

Sly,
Eons ago I lived in a gutted Victorian, and one day after noticing I had entered still carrying a sickle, I stuck it into the nearest stud. It stayed there for a year, having varied impact on an assortment of visitors. Imagination can be a great deterrent.

Posted by: tomg51 at February 7, 2013 04:00 PM

Imagination can be a great deterrent.

Heh :)

My Dad was 6'4" and had what was once described as "a thrilling bass voice" that he used to great effect on the family dog and boys who came to the front door to pick me up for dates.

I rarely dated anyone older than I was, but I'll never forget the time I was asked out by (and accepted) a boy who was 18 during my junior year in HS.

He had a bit of a reputation, though he had treated me with respect before our date - probably the only reason I said, "Yes". When he came to the door, Dad was in full-on Psy-Ops mode.

It must have worked. I don't think I've ever had a date who was less "hands on", IYKWIMAITYD :p

Posted by: Cass at February 7, 2013 04:32 PM

*snnnicker*
I have been tempted to pull this out of the archived folders.
0>:~}

Posted by: DL Sly at February 7, 2013 04:44 PM

I have to say that the effect of my Dad's somewhat asymmetrical protectiveness of his only daughter was similar to that of waving a large crimson flag in front of an enraged yak.

Some of the dumbest things I did as a teen (and it ain't as thought these were few or far between) were done b/c my Dad's attempts to protect me from myself got my Irish up.

But I will always love him for loving me so much. It took me until about the age of 30 to simmer down and see the value in what he was trying to do but at the time I can't say it had the intended effect.

Posted by: Cass at February 7, 2013 06:14 PM

I used to wear black on Valentine's Day as my own little form of protest. I'd sorta gotten over it, but still wasn't thrilled when it rolled around again. Last year was different. I had a boyfriend for the first time ever at Valentine's Day.... Having someone to share it with makes all the difference.

I got the fiancé the watch he'd put on his Christmas wish list. His birthday is also next week (Monday). I got a pair of tickets to the local D-league hockey team for the 12th. Last night, the subject of what he wanted for his birthday came up. I said I'd already gotten his birthday gift. And his Valentine's gift. He was like "oh, crap, I haven't gotten you anything yet"... Today, he sent me a text saying he'd gone to the mall and done a little shopping :-P I hope he didn't spend a lot of money on me....

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at February 7, 2013 11:48 PM

Maybe it's b/c we're not particularly social, but we don't do a whole lot of presents. But then I don't have girlfriends who like to compare that sort of thing and none of our friends are the type who one up each other, so the peer aspect isn't as big a deal as it is for some folks I've known.

I'm still a big believer that if you're well treated the other 364 days of the year, it matters less what happens on Hallmark sponsored holidays.

I felt awful this year - we were both sick on my husband's birthday and I didn't get him anything at all. Not even a card.

I did make him a special dinner and a cake, even though I was sick. But I still felt kind of bad about it. I will probably surprise him in a few weeks. We have just been so busy - he has been traveling all month and I've had a lot going on at work on top of being sick as a dog.

Posted by: Cass at February 8, 2013 09:12 AM

My family has always celebrated birthday. The fiancé's family? Not so much... He needed a new dress watch, so Valentine's Day gave me an excuse to give it to him :-P

He became a hockey fan when he lived in Buffalo. He doesn't get to watch or go to games very often. Gave him hockey tickets for his birthday last year, too.

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at February 8, 2013 03:58 PM

Enraged Yak?

I must be doing something wrong...

Posted by: yak at February 16, 2014 02:24 AM

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