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March 08, 2013

Mein Gott im Himmel!!!

knut_abased.jpgHomo sapiens to Ursus maritimus: get stuffed.

Adorable in life, still attracting admirers in death: Knut the polar bear's hide has been mounted on a polyurethane body and is going on display in a Berlin museum.

The Natural History Museum on Friday unveiled the statue prepared by taxidermists featuring the famous Berlin Zoo bear's fur and claws, with the synthetic body and glass eyes.

The display runs through March 15. Knut will then be added to the museum's scientific collections.

Those wacky, anthropomorphizing Krauts! Can't they leave a dead polar bear in peace?

Tragically, it appears the Germans are determined to leave no re madly lucrative merchandizing opportunity unplumbed. Even in death, our beloved Knut (the Adorably Psychotic Gay Teen Bear) will not be free from the cold, uncaring stares of specie-ist humans; to say nothing of their insatiable desire to project their neuroses onto a helpless, melanin-deprived member of the Deutsche-Ursinian Community.

Knut has endured his share of travails over the course of his too-brief life. Depressed by the Bush administration's reckless and arrogant cowboy diplomacy, our hero first sought refuge in forays into the world of bad-bear culture and tabloid publicity:

...stories of Knut's increasingly embarrassing encounters with bootleg sex tapes, anorexic Czech supermodels, designer drugs, and bad techno music continue to spin out of control, largely thanks to the environmental depredations of an uncaring Bush administration and its inexplicable refusal to sign the Kyoto Protocols. Naturlich, the NY Times laps up every last delicious detail...

This regrettable chapter in Knut's life was quickly eclipsed by his admirable attempts to raise global awareness of The Horror of Ursine Misandry and woman-on-man domestic violence:

When last we left our fave sexually confused teen bear, he was sporting a soul patch and cavorting with sloe-eyed Italian bear-babes whilst PETA operatives schemed to deprive him of his Lucky Charms:
PETA is now demanding that Berlin zookeepers castrate Knut, as things have started to get fairly serious between the Vanity Fair cover bear and his girlfriend Giovanna. Giovanna hails from Munich, but has been temporarily crashing with Knut while her place there was getting fixed up. Of course things were a little tense at first—she hit his face; he gradually grew out of his boyish good looks—but over time they just got used to living together and eventually they fell in love. The twist is that Giovanna and Knut actually share a grandfather. It’s always something, isn’t it? “Knut fans should be aware that only Knut’s castration would allow a long-term cohabitation of Giovanna and Knut. All other hopes and desires would bring the polar bear population in captivity to its pre-programmed demise even more rapidly,” said a PETA spokesman, as reported in Der Spiegel.

Ah, but the course of true love ne'er doth run smooth, doth it? In the fullness of time it was revealed that the young hussy was more interested in his carrots than his stick (groan...):

Even in the Afterlife, poor Knut is not safe. But perhaps he can look down from that Big Ice Floe in the Sky and take comfort that he is making some of his fellow Germans extremely wealthy.

He gives and he gives and he gives...

Posted by Cassandra at March 8, 2013 04:22 AM

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Maybe they can put him in the display with the Mummy Hugo Chavez.

Posted by: Grim at March 8, 2013 09:36 AM

Further proving nothing more stirs homo sapiens than psychotic and gay - judging by the recent exercise of our suffrage and now the stuffage of Knut.

Posted by: George Pal at March 8, 2013 09:39 AM

I thought you would enjoy this: http://takimag.com/article/my_otherkin_headmate_is_a_two_spirited_starseed_kathy_shaidle/print#axzz2MxdX26wb

Posted by: Texan99 at March 8, 2013 10:04 AM

Maybe they can put him in the display with the Mummy Hugo Chavez.


Posted by: Knut, the Adorably Gay Teen Psychotic Bear at March 8, 2013 12:10 PM

Or “demisexuals”? They’re “only sexually attracted to people” they have “an emotional connection to.” (We used to call them “normal” and “women.”)

Dear Lord... that made me laugh out loud.

Which is hard to explain during lunch hour in a quiet office. Thanks for the links, guys!

Posted by: Knut, the Adorably Gay Teen Psychotic Bear at March 8, 2013 12:13 PM

Rabbit's gonna give you tough love . . . .

Posted by: Texan99 at March 9, 2013 06:37 PM

Guns, Pipes, and Bears, which BTW if I ever start a techno music band that's going to be it's name.

So, I go up with my friend to re-do the plumbing at his mountain place in the Sierras. After much sweating (copper pipe joke hardehar) it was time to bring it home. Now my friend's daughter and boyfriend were up there as well to "help".

So my buddy goes up to the water tank to open the valve and shouts down.

My buddy: Ready?!
Me: Let'er rip!
My buddy: The air is... (unintelligible)!
Daughter: Boyfriend, get your gun there's a Bear!
Me: Air, not Bear! There is no bear calm the ********
My buddy: What the ******** is going on down there?!
Me: Is it cocktail hour yet?

Posted by: Allen at March 10, 2013 03:53 AM

It's always cocktail hour, somewhere :p

Posted by: Cass at March 11, 2013 09:30 AM