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May 24, 2013

Finally, Women of VC!

A good reason to watch football:

...11 per cent of men ...were asked what situations they had rewarded their partner for in the bedroom. The highest scoring answer was for watching sport - either live or on television.

We knew there had to be one out there somewhere....

Posted by Cassandra at May 24, 2013 08:19 AM

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Oh come on, we all know that you watch football for the tight ends.
Speaking of ends....there's a certain book about *ends* for which a post was supposedly forthcoming.
And, no, the *Lerner Curve* is not applicable.

Posted by: DL Sly at May 24, 2013 12:16 PM

When I balance a red ball on the tip of my nose, my husband throws me a fish.

Posted by: Texan99 at May 24, 2013 01:17 PM

Wait a minute! Then what's jewelry for???

Posted by: spd rdr at May 24, 2013 01:27 PM

Off topic, but I saw this and instantly thought of you, Miss Cass:

I'm sure you will love it!

Posted by: MikeD at May 24, 2013 02:47 PM


That lion had a serious mellow going on.

Posted by: Cass at May 24, 2013 03:15 PM

I think it's funny that everyone wants to see deliberate intent (she's/he's withholding sex) to what is probably more case of, "when their partner does something nice, most folks feel more loving towards them".

I remember being exhausted and feeling drained most of the time when our boys were young. My husband worked very long hours and I never, ever got away from the kids. Plus, I was watching other people's kids during the day.

So when my husband ran the vacuum or did the dishes on the weekend, I felt so grateful that he probably could have asked me to serve him dinner dressed in Saran Wrap and a pair of high heels and I would have cheerfully agreed to :p

At least in my case, I was never disinterested or unwilling. I was frequently just too damned tired or tense, and a kind gesture or two went a LONG way.

Posted by: Cass at May 24, 2013 03:22 PM

I must be weird. I reward my wife in the bedroom because I love her. I assume that's why she rewards me.

Posted by: bud at May 24, 2013 07:41 PM

I don't think you're weird at all. That's the way it should be! It's probably also the way it is for most good marriages.

I've never thought much of the idea of withholding sex or affection to get one's way, but the point I was trying to make is that people aren't terribly good at diving the motives of others.

When dealing with each other, men and women are often too quick to ascribe intent (the other person is doing this on purpose) rather than seeing other people's actions as being related to the way they are treated. There are definitely people who keep score or retaliate, but I think there are more people who, if they feel hurt or neglected or tired or whatever, just withdraw a bit -- and that gets interpreted as deliberately withholding sex or affection.

Men definitely do this all the time (withdraw when they're unhappy or hurt), but you never read about men withholding affection to get their way. I'd guess that - like the "withholding sex" thing, it's probably more often unintentional than deliberate. But then I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. People who don't deserve that aren't the kind of people who do well in relationships.

Posted by: Cass at May 25, 2013 07:13 AM

I must be the weird one, I never thought it was supposed to be a "reward" system in the first place.

Posted by: DL Sly at May 25, 2013 12:33 PM

Aye yay yay. I must really be doing a bad job of explaining my point.

Reward (or denial) is intentional.

Feeling loving (or feeling like having sex) is usually not intentional, but it usually *is* related to how the relationship is working or how the other person treats you.

The idea of having sex with someone who is inconsiderate doesn't do much for me. The idea of having sex with someone who treats me well is much more attractive. The point is the same one I make all the time - if the other person is avoiding you or not treating you the way you'd like to be treated, it's probably not a bad idea to look at your half of the relationship to see if just maybe, you're part of the problem?

There are two halves of any relationship and people don't generally act in a vacuum. They respond to how they're treated (or to their perception of how they're treated). People who assume the worst ("She's witholding sex to 'get me back'", vs. "She's not in the mood to have sex with me because now that I think of it, I haven't been very nice lately", or "He's avoiding me on purpose" vs, "He's avoiding me because I belittle him or make him feel guilty every time we do talk") aren't taking responsibility for their half of the relationship.

The point was that the rewarding people with sex for watching football is kind of dumb. Acting in such a way that being with you seems fun and pleasant is more likely to result in getting what you want in life, whether that's sex, affection, whatever.

Posted by: Cass at May 26, 2013 07:47 AM

"Aye aye aye..."

Sorry, the Braves pregame is on....were you saying something?
*skipping away through the trees and the breeze*

Posted by: DL Sly at May 26, 2013 01:27 PM