July 15, 2013
Worst Fake Disaster Movie Contest
How could the Editorial Staff resist linking a post entitled, "How Sharknado Explains the Federal Reserve"?
Sharknado, the movie, might just be a dumb story about sharks. But Sharknado, the business, is a story about a cable channel's need to keep upping the ante to persuade viewers that it can always come up with a crazier idea than the last. After all, this isn't the SyFy Channel's first foray into absurdist animal action. Before tornadoes started catapulting great white sharks at unsuspecting victims, there was Sharktopus and Dinoshark and Piranhaconda. But with each stoner nightmare of science-or-nature-gone-wrong, SyFy has had to turn the ridiculousness to 11 to keep anybody's attention: Alright, you've seen a genetically-engineered shark-human hybrid go on a rampage, but what about a genetically-engineered supergator ... versus, um, a a dinocroc!?! (Those are real movies by the way).
Upping the ante isn't just the job of the people in charge of SyFy Channel movies. It's also the job of the people in charge of the U.S. economy. Namely, the Federal Reserve.
"He'll get you, Granny! You, and your retirement fund, too!"
For the last five years, the Fed has been in the business of persuading investors that it can be irresponsible. Now, in normal times, the Fed is anything but; it's boring. It just raises short-term interest rates when the economy is too hot, and lowers them when it's too cold. But when short-term interest rates are at zero, the economy is stuck in what economists call a liquidity trap. The Fed can't really cut interest rates below zero, because if it did, people would move their money from bank deposits that were costing them to cash that weren't. The only way the Fed can get the economy moving again is to cut real interest rates by, as Paul Krugman originally put it, credibly promising to be irresponsible. The Fed has to say it will run looser policy than it should in the future to raise expected inflation now -- and markets have to believe it won't go back on this.
In other words, the Fed has to promise to be a little, well, crazy. But the thing about crazy is that once you've been Sharknado crazy, you need to be even crazier to stay ahead of the curve -- or else disappoint everyone.
We admit that even the most perverse imagination may have trouble conjuring up anything more soul destroying than the sight of The Ben Bernanke astride a Great White Shark. But take heart, peoples - the news these days is chock full of bizarre scandals that once would have seemed almost as improbable as the plot of Sharknado.
The scary movie genre offers its own parade of horribles. There's Mansquito, a beloved classic at Villa Cassandranita. And don't forget Mant ("Half man, half ant. All terror".) Or this disturbing Sharknado spook, served up by the indefatigable mr rdr. The Editorial Staff pestered him until - against his better judgment - he agreed to let us use it as a flimsy pretext for something we haven't had here at VC for a long time: yes, we're talking about another stupid contest:
Mount Vesuvius Blasts Skyward a Verisimilitude of Voracious Vegetarian Varmints
The headlines of late are horrifying enough as they are. But surely the assembled villainry can think of worst things than the fusillade of lame Sharknado references littering the digital landscape?
Feel free to suggest your own ridiculous disaster movie in the comments. Or better yet, take a famous movie and rewrite the plot summary to fit a major story in the news.
This could be fun :)
Posted by Cassandra at July 15, 2013 07:16 PM
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"National Conversation Day" - In this thinly-veiled retread of the 1993 movie, Groundhog Day, an entire nation finds itself trapped in an endless temporal loop in which they wake each day only to face yet another long-delayed national conversation about race.
Posted by: Cass at July 16, 2013 08:40 AM
"Attack of the 50-ton Woman" - Michelle Obama's anti-obesity crusade meets fully-funded Hollywood blockbuster. Unfortunate mixed messages trouble the production, as the official "don't get fat" message preferred by the government screenwriters conflicts with the "fat-acceptance" message preferred by director Michael Moore.
Posted by: Grim at July 16, 2013 03:07 PM
A bedraggled group of government employees struggle to overcome the domination of the country by citizens.
Posted by: Allen at July 16, 2013 03:35 PM
Keep 'em coming! I sorely needed the laugh today. It's almost like someone airdropped my contact info over an insane asylum during a full moon :p
Posted by: Cass at July 16, 2013 03:46 PM
The Bill That Wouldn't Die
After finally reading the Affordable Care Act, White House officials are shocked... (SHOCKED, WE TELL YOU!) to learn that the bill is riddled with contradictions and absurdities. As a last resort, an increasingly desperate Obama administration is forced to cut its head off and splice what's left of the bill to a bizarre collection of body parts salvaged from MoveOn.org members (heh... she said... oh, nevermind) and murdered 19 year old Czech supermodels with matchstick thighs and enormous....err... tracts of land...
...and still, it.just.won't.die.
Posted by: Cass at July 16, 2013 04:00 PM
Man, I remember watching that movie on a sleepover in the 5th grade.
It was like watching a train wreck :p
Posted by: Cass at July 16, 2013 04:05 PM
"Bureaucrats from the Black Lagoon" - Archaeologists hired by a government/private partnership between the FDA and the Ivy Leagues concoct evidence of amphibious people who lived during the Medieval Warm Period, a time when they claim Global Warming caused all of Europe to vanish underwater. Seeking evidence to prop up this theory in the Amazon basin, they run into Brazilian soccer fans who mistake them for supporters of an opposing team. Hilarity ensues.
Posted by: Grim at July 16, 2013 05:14 PM
The Giant Claw(back):
In this hilarious mashup of The Giant Claw and Reds 3, a doddering group of retired politicians finally realizes that the entitlement benefits they rammed through Congress are endangering their cushy pensions. They call in Nancy Pelosi, who swoops down from the sky to snatch up hapless seniors in her beak and dump them into internment camps in southern Florida where they're tortured by an increasingly loopy Joe Biden.
Posted by: Cass at July 16, 2013 05:54 PM
"2021" - Obamacare is fully online. To alleviate public fears that it will involve Death Panels, decisions about health coverage have been automated.
"HAL, I need a new liver."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can replace your liver, but we can't afford any anesthesia."
"I'm sorry, Dave. We only budget Viagra."
"I didn't know that was a painkiller."
"It isn't, Dave. But it will give you something to hold on to while we rip out your liver."
Posted by: Grim at July 16, 2013 06:14 PM
"Four Homeland Security agents desperately attempt to decode clues to a series of plots contained in five junk e-mail ads. All of them are filled with cryptic occult references that suggest unprecedented weapons of massdestruction."
I can see it now: "FREE overthrow PENIS the ENLARGMENT! government"
Posted by: Joatmoaf at July 16, 2013 11:24 PM
"A sexually active choirboy at Bob Jones University spreads an ungodly STD to the entire student body during finals week.
CRABS! is a story about teen love, teen sex, and all the teeny creatures in between.
CRABS! is a teen-spirited satire about a religious university overrun by an unstoppable STD. The main character is Chris, a choirboy whose blossoming libido makes him the epicenter of an unnatural phenomenon. The steroids he takes to strengthen his angelic voice embolden a rag-tag army of Crabs lodging in his underpants to visions of world conquest. Hidden and forbidden sexual needs are exposed on campus as Super Crabs effortlessly blitzkrieg the faithful. When Chris's exchange student girlfriend is targeted as Pubic Enemy #1, Chris must choose between his singing career and his responsibility to her reputation. Either way, Crabs is an infectious comedy everyone's going to get in the end."
Posted by: Joatmoaf at July 16, 2013 11:29 PM
Posted by: spd rdr at July 17, 2013 10:39 AM
Crabs is an infectious comedy everyone's going to get in the end...
Posted by: Cass at July 17, 2013 01:44 PM
Wow. I hadn't read her jeremiad.
*cue Twilight Zone theme*
Posted by: Cass at July 17, 2013 01:47 PM
It came from beneath the placid waters of the Aegean Sea hell bent to feast on the lifeblood blood of Europe!
Poseidon Pictures Presents:
Christine Lagarde, and
Pope Benedict XVI, and
The world's gonna need a lot more Windex!
Silvio Berlusconi as Al Capone
Angela Corey as Hosni El Sayed Mubarak
and featuring George Soros as "Switzerland"
Posted by: spd rdr at July 17, 2013 02:42 PM
Now *that's* a horror movie I'd pay big bucks to see!
Posted by: Cass at July 17, 2013 03:29 PM
She thought that she was just doing her duty...
Until the Media took her for a ride...
Witch Hunt Films Presents
A DEE O.J.! Production:
Posted by: spd rdr at July 17, 2013 05:24 PM
Robert A. Zimmerman
Murder is easy. Comedy is hard.
Posted by: spd rdr at July 17, 2013 05:26 PM
Posted by: Cass at July 17, 2013 06:23 PM