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September 23, 2013

He Looks *M'wahvelous*

Whilst the Blog Princess struggles out from under the avalanche of email in her Inbox, she would like to set aside silly, partisan distractions like THE IMPENDING GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, the murder of 4 Americans on 9/11 (which is by no means related to 9/11 in any way, shape, or fashion and must not be mentioned on 9/11), or The Tragedy of Public Mass Shooting Ennui and focus instead upon matters of Far Greater Import to the future of this great nation.

That's right - we're talking about John Kerry's youthful visage:

What the heck is going on with Secretary of State John Kerry’s face???

The former senator’s usually craggy puss is now smooth, puffy and showing no sign of the laugh lines, crow’s feet or deep forehead creases that were evident in his 2004 official Senate portrait.
Mr. State Secretary’s peeps flat out deny that Kerry, 69, had any work done.

“No. End of story. That’s not a denial, that’s a fact,” said Kerry’s spokesman Glen Johnson.

But the plastic surgeons we consulted were just as adamant: He’s fibbing, they said.

“He had a ton of fat grafting into his lower face,” said Dr. Jeffrey Spiegel, chief of the Division of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery at Boston University Medical Center. “If you look at his face before, he was very gaunt. The side of his cheeks were sunken in and hollow.”

Spiegel didn’t think much of the work the secretary of state had done, either.

“He’s been a little over-injected, I would say. It gives him an expressionless lower part of his face, and nothing was done on top. To say he looks Frankenstein-ian is not inaccurate,” Spiegel said. “Tell him we can fix him, if he wants to get in touch.”

Dr. Adam Scheiner, a Tampa plastic surgeon and the author of “The True Definition of Beauty,” agrees with Dr. Spiegel’s diagnosis.

“If you look at his ‘before’ pictures, you can see that, as with most of us when we age, he’s had a lot of facial fat loss.... In the updated photo he has massive amounts of fullness in his mid to lower face. He’s had some kind of volume added there. Some people have liposuction in other areas and have the fat put in their face, that’s one possibility. Another is that he’s had some kind of filler like Restylane or Juvederm.”

What say you? Is our new Secretary of State merely unusually well rested? Does he have a picture of Dorian Grey stashed in his abode?

Or is Something More Sinister at work here?

Posted by Cassandra at September 23, 2013 05:13 AM

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But of course they haven't done anything to the top of his head! It's already packed with fat.

Posted by: spd rdr at September 23, 2013 11:00 AM

I would encourage all government 'fat' be cosmetically applied to all politicians. There's no danger of rejection – one is the source of the other. I would of course allow for exemptions in the case of the likes of the New Jersey Gov.

Posted by: George Pal at September 23, 2013 01:41 PM

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office. ~George Bernard Shaw


Posted by: Elise at September 23, 2013 01:48 PM

While an unrepentant Commie stooge himself, Shaw nevertheless was remarkably adept at noting the physiological flaws of democratically-elected leaders.

Posted by: spd rdr at September 23, 2013 04:57 PM

Well, I suspect I may know which portion of his anatomy Kerry used for the fat he had put in his face.

Posted by: CAPT Mongo at September 23, 2013 06:58 PM

No way. He's totally natural. Nosirree...that is Jean Fraude as nature intended. Yup. He looks really like himself there.

Now, he should stop whatever he's doing to make himself look so much like himself.

Posted by: MathMom at September 23, 2013 08:31 PM

I had never heard that GBS quote, Elise, but it's perfect!

Yup. He looks really like himself there.

Yanno, it's funny - every time I see Kerry I think of that old Bill Cosby routine about putting a tape recorder under the casket so that when mourners file by saying, "Doesn't he look like himself?", they hear the deceased talking back to them:

"Hello, glad you are here. Don't I look like myself? Aren't I wonderful?"

I can totally see Kerry doing that. Even the Grim Reaper wouldn't be able to get the last word :p

Posted by: Cass at September 23, 2013 09:27 PM

See! I told you so!
They mock themselves better than we will ever be able to do.
'You may mock me all you want, but only *I* can make a fool of myself.'

Best Regards,

Posted by: CAPT Mike at September 24, 2013 12:19 AM