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October 01, 2013

Apocalypse. Wow.

And I saw when The Lightworker opened one of the seals and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the 232 beasts saying, "Come and see".

And I saw, and beheld a white horse: and he that sat on him had a face of orange; and Lo! a bomb was strapped to his chest. And he rode forth to wreak havoc upon the economy in the midst of the worst Recession since, well... ever, really.

And when The Lightworker had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say with the false consciousness of a token Hispanic, "Come and see".

And there went out another horse that was sickly red and reeking of coded racism and ill concealed misogyny: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth and free contraceptives from struggling Georgetown coeds and bread from the mouths of innocent babes, the elderly, and the near-poor.

And the Little People began to fight one another for food stamps. And there was given unto the Beast a great sword called "Sequester", with which he began to hew down our noble, brave, raping-and-murdering troops perpetuating the endless wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

And when The Lightworker had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, "Come and see". And I beheld, and lo there appeared a black horse; and he that sat on him held a pair of balances in his hand.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, "A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou change not the Congressional health care plans, for it is not meet that our leaders should share the fate of the hoi-polloi.

And when The Lightworker had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, "Come and see".

And I looked, and beheld a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and the Fourth Bu$hReich followed with him. And power was given unto the Two Hundred And Thirty Two Beasts over the fourth estate, to kill with sword and famine and death and much raping of the environment.

And when The Lightworker had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were imprisoned for Speaking Truth to Power, and for the testimony which they held:

And they cried with a loud voice, saying, "How long, Obamessiah, most bright and clean and nice-looking, wilt thou refrain from smiting the beasts that afflict this great nation? Wilt thou not call down thy unmanned drones upon the wicked, as thou has done to lesser terrorists? For the presence of these kidnappers and murderers and hostage-takers is as a powerful stench in the nostrils of those who clamor for civility and abhor violent rhetoric".

And white robes were given unto the Tea Party racists, and The Orange Beast said unto them that they should recess for a little season, until people of cholor and women and the transgendered and every other group they had made war upon should be killed in the streets.

And I beheld when The Lightworker had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; the Capitol was rent in twain and the sun became black (not that there's anything wrong with that) as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood (which was kind of cool, in a nonsexual, sparkly vampire kind of way);

And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a money tree casteth forth her filthy lucre when she is shaken by a mighty wind Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson.

And The People cried out to the mountains and rocks, "Fall on us, and hide from us the coppery visage of him that sitteth in the Speaker's chair, and save us from the wrath of the Bitter Gun Clingers":

"For when the great day of death and destruction is come, who shall be left to organize the useful idiots?"

But upon the stroke of midnight a unicorn of purest white did appear; and on him sat The Lightworker. And from His mouth issued forth a fierce fusillade of words. And the 232 beasts quailed before the furious onslaught of Shaming Language and stinging taunts. And The People took heart, saying to themselves, "Oh, SNAP!"

Yeah, the suffering of the beasts was grievous to behold.

For debt ceiling crises endure but for a moment, but His affordable health care is for a lifetime. Hyperbole and hyperventilation may last for the night, but perpetual credit limit increases shall surely come in the morning.

Posted by Cassandra at October 1, 2013 05:57 AM

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Posted by: George Pal at October 1, 2013 09:49 AM

Thank you, sir :)

It was kind of cathartic.

Posted by: Princess Lea in a Cheese Danish Bikini at October 1, 2013 10:09 AM


Posted by: NEO at October 1, 2013 10:28 AM


Posted by: spd rdr at October 1, 2013 10:55 AM

Pandemonium :p

Posted by: Princess Lea in a Cheese Danish Bikini at October 1, 2013 12:26 PM


One of your best, and that's a high standard.

Posted by: htom at October 1, 2013 09:29 PM

Thanks, htom :)

I'm not easily surprised, but I have been really shocked at the lack of balance in the news coverage of the shutdown.

I'm not even a fan of tying the shutdown to the defunding or delay of ObamaCare. I've never thought that was a good idea and don't really understand why we went there. I see no good coming from it.

I talked with my youngest son a few days ago, and he asked me what I thought of the shutdown. I told him that I didn't support tying it to ObamaCare b/c I think that will not only fail, but fail spectacularly. But I absolutely DO support using the debt ceiling to support the larger debate about spending money we don't have.

I think that's the most necessary debate there is, and I support it 100%. It is crazy to think that once a bill is passed, the government is obligated to continue funding it and can never revisit the issue in light of current assets and income or other expenses or priorities.

This is what households and businesses have to do every.single.day, and to suggest that it's "extremist" to care about the national bottom line is just nuts.


Posted by: Cass - Confirmation Bigot-in-Training at October 2, 2013 11:57 AM


I mean, ....c'mon, man.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at October 2, 2013 02:12 PM

Sorry, Don, coffee break's over.
You know what's next.

Posted by: DL Sly at October 2, 2013 02:25 PM


I'm glad you asked that question, Don.

I AM. This is a perfect example of why people like you need people like me. To tell America to do things you were already doing long before Barack came along and started healing everything in sight:

"Water is so basic," she explained from Watertown, Wisc., "and because it is so plentiful, sometimes we just forget about it amid all the ads we watch on television and all the messages we receive every day about what to eat and drink," she said. "The truth is, water just gets drowned out."

Except that's not really true. According to Beverage Tracker (you don't subscribe?), in 1998, soda was our No. 1 drink of choice, with Americans consuming 54 gallons of the stuff every year. Today, it's down to 44 gallons, while water consumption has hit 58 gallons and rising.

...We crossed [another] milestone in 2006 when, according to the U.S. Census, Americans started drinking more water than beer.

Frankly, I don't care if you're already drinking more water than soda or beer. You need to drink more water.

And you need to do it now. That is all.

Posted by: Michelle Obama at October 2, 2013 03:37 PM

Fish poop in water.
Drink beer.

Posted by: DL Sly at October 2, 2013 03:47 PM

Thanks. I needed that. :+)

Posted by: Elise at October 2, 2013 07:24 PM

Fifty four GALLONS of soda per person?

I'm not doing my share. I don't even drink a bottle a week. Spice drinks even less.

Coffee, now, that we won't talk about.

Posted by: htom at October 3, 2013 12:44 AM

The motto of the American Homebrewers' Association is:
'Drink better beer!'

Best Regards,

Posted by: CAPT Mike at October 3, 2013 11:34 PM

Another reason for BATFE to disapprove of me. You're tempting me.

Posted by: htom at October 5, 2013 09:50 PM