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January 31, 2014

File Under "Dept. of Unnoticed Mooses Elephants"

Finally, an explanation for why no one ever talks about that pachyderm in the room.

It snuck up on them. Sneaky creatures they are, silently tiptoe-ing along just a few feet behind you... just waiting for the right moment to pounce....


And suddenly, you've been photobombed by a 15,000 pound stealth machine:

So, how in the world can an elephant creep up on you?

For one, the elephant has “big, cushiony feet” that allows it to tread softly, said Craig R. Sholley, vice president of philanthropy and marketing for the African Wildlife Foundation.

Sholley described his own experience on safari in Uganda’s Queen Elizabeth National Park: “Suddenly we had 30 elephants appear out of nowhere. I think all of us in the vehicle were looking at each other and saying, ‘How did that happen? They basically came through a forest and we didn’t hear a thing!’”

The pachyderm’s intelligence also plays a role: “If they don’t want to be heard, just like a human being, they will attempt to be silent—and they’re pretty adept at that,” Sholley said.

Be careful out there, peoples.

Posted by Cassandra at January 31, 2014 07:01 AM

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Huh. I always thought it was their shoes.

Posted by: spd rdr at January 31, 2014 10:52 AM

This reminds me of a very old joke, which should have been totally forgotten:

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?

R. I don't know.

Q, A. To stamp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have such enormous feet?

R. I don't know.

Q, A. To stamp out flaming ducks!

Posted by: htom at January 31, 2014 12:04 PM

OK, but I din't start this.

How do elephants cross the river without getting their feet wet?

By carefully, mind you, very carefully stepping only on the lily pads.
(As a physicist/engineer that bit of absurdity tickles me. Reminds me of not a few arguments I hear where equally absurd non sequitors abound)

And, sneaking up with another: How can one easily capture an elephant?

Simple. Get a quart size jar, tweezers, a pair of binoculars, and (of course) a peanut. Where there are elephants, there must be peanuts. Anyway, lay the peanut on an elephant trail, hide and wait. When an elephant comes along and stops to get the peanut, turn the binoculars the wrong way, look at the elephant, reducing it in size, grab the elephant with the tweezers, put it in the quart jar.(In a pinch a jelly jar will work.) Realize, however, that now you have a problem: what will happen if you put down the binoculars.

Posted by: Roy Kerns at January 31, 2014 12:28 PM

Sorry - another insane day. I love the jokes!

Why are elephants so wrinkly?

Ever tried ironing one?

Posted by: Cassandra at January 31, 2014 01:28 PM

How do you know an elephant has been in the refrigerator?

There are footprints in the cheese.

What does it mean when a herd of elephants comes down the street with red tennis shoes on?

They're all on the same team.

What does it mean when a herd of elephants comes down the street with blue tennis shoes on?

Their reds ones are in the wash.

Posted by: Don Brouhaha at January 31, 2014 02:43 PM

Blonde #1: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Blonde #2: That's easy! TWO! But it has to be a really big light bulb.

Posted by: spd rdr at January 31, 2014 02:57 PM

Ppppphhhhhttttthhhhhh :)

An elephant walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The elephant says [wait for it]:

"Make it strong. I'm trying to forget."

Posted by: Cassandra at January 31, 2014 04:08 PM

An elephant walks into a bar. In the back, someone's playing an upbeat tune on the piano. Everyone's smiling and clapping.

The elephant wanders to the back of the bar, looks over the pianist's shoulder, and promptly bursts into tears.

A drunk yells, "Hey buddy - what's wrong? You recognize this song?"

The elephant replies, "No. But I recognize the keys."


Posted by: Cassandra at January 31, 2014 04:41 PM

An elephant and a feminist walk into a bar, and the feminist says: "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

(could't resist)

Posted by: spd rdr at January 31, 2014 05:07 PM

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!11! :)

Posted by: Humorless Alpha Bi*** Goddess at January 31, 2014 05:15 PM

Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?

Because of all the cheetahs!

Posted by: Pachysandra at January 31, 2014 05:25 PM

A family decides to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its johnson, points to it, and says, "Mom! What is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That, son, is the elephant's tail."

"No, Mommy: the thing *under* the elephant!"

A short embarrassed silence follows. The mother finally replies, "That's nothing, son."

The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question:

"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.

"No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."

"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephant's johnson. Why do you ask son?"

"Well, Mommy said it was nothing," says the boy.

The father, chuckling to himself, replies: "Boy do I spoil that woman ..."

Posted by: Pachysandra at January 31, 2014 05:38 PM

That is an outstanding joke.

Turns out Wikipedia has a whole page devoted to elephant jokes. None of them are half so good as yours, though.

Posted by: Grim at January 31, 2014 07:02 PM

*curtseying in the gentleman's direction* :)

Posted by: Pachysandra at January 31, 2014 07:30 PM

ok, so why did the elephant paint his toe nails red?
So he could hide in the strawberry patch!
How can you tell if an elephant is hiding in your closet?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath!
oh my.

Posted by: Barry Jones at February 1, 2014 10:44 AM

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a WBA?
A: About 20 pounds.

Q: How do you make them the same?
A: Force feed the elephant.

Posted by: CAPT Mike at February 2, 2014 10:39 PM