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February 10, 2014

We're All Obama Now

Many moons ago, the Editorial Staff lampooned the White House's "Obama Everywhere" social media campaign, in which the President of the United States was marketed to the public as an available-on-demand commodity. Get Obama on your mobile phone! Invite the President to your Inbox! Watch him on YouTube, MySpace! (MySpace??? Seriously?), FacebookTwitterMyBatangaBlackPlanetAsianAveMiGente. He's everywhere you go:

"Stick out your tongue."

I did so, and the dentist wrapped some gauze around it and said, "I need to explain myself about the public option."

Stunned, I raised myself up in the chair and looked. It was Barack Obama.

"I'm both for it and against it," the president said. I tried to bolt but he had me by the tongue. I squirmed and cursed like Rahm Emanuel, and finally he had to let go. I ran from the exam room, pausing in the outer office to make my next appointment but the receptionist looked a lot like Barack Obama and so I kept on moving. Hitting the street, I jumped a cab. "The Washington Post," I said, "and step on it."

"You got it, buddy," the driver said -- and turned around. It was Barack Obama. "Let me tell you something," he said. "The public option is not what it sounds like. It’s not socialism. This is what I tried to explain on "Meet the Press," "Face the Nation," "State of the Union," "This Week With George Stephanopoulos," Jorge Ramos on Univision and, I think, "Sesame Street," although I may not have done that one yet.”

Those of you who fret about not having 24/7 access to Barack Obama can now rest easy. In the unlikely event that you find yourself completely alone in a room without access to a mobile device, cable TV, radio, email, or Internet connection, rest assured that you can still connect with the President by simply looking in the mirror.

Apparently, we're all Obama, now:

After Meade took the test and came up as Barack Obama too, I formed the belief that the point of this test was to promote Barack Obama, who's so very very normal. He's just like me and the same as you. ALSO: The overeagerness of this test to tell us that we're like Barack Obama is shown by the fact that Meade and I were not the same on 4 of the 5 elements. He was average on extroversion (where I was above average), below average on openness (where I was above average), average on conscientiousness (where I was high), and low on neuroticism (where I was average). The only thing were the same on was agreeableness, where we were both average. I call bullshit on the test (and palpable bitchery on myself).

The Editorial Staff were also judged most similar to Barack Obama, though it's hard to see why three completely different patterns would all yield the same result. If we were smarter, surely this would be obvious:

Compared to the general population, you are:

Average on Extroversion, indicating that you are somewhere in between a pure extrovert and a pure introvert - an "ambivert."

Above average on Openness, indicating that you prefer to strike a balance between seeking out novelty and preserving the status quo.

Above average on Agreeableness, indicating that you are very empathic, tolerant of others, and socially adaptive.

Average on Conscientiousness, indicating that you take a balanced approach between sticking to plans and deadlines and being flexible about updating your current goals.

Below average on Neuroticism, indicating that you are relaxed, cool under pressure, and not shy about presenting yourself or your ideas.

How could you not vote for this man? His essence is constantly changing and protean. Vast enough to encompass multitudes. He is - simultaneously, just like you and just like everyone else on the planet! It's a miracle!

Surely, all this reassuringly constant inconstancy is just more evidence of Obama's uniquely complex and sophisticated thought processes? He's much too smart to be just one person. Individual personhood seems too confining for such a mighty intellect. His unprecedented capacity for dispassionate, analytical, highly-nuanced flexibility pretty much forces him to be everything, to everybody.

...every wretch, pining and pale before,
Beholding him, plucks comfort from his looks.
A largess universal, like the sun,
His liberal eye doth give to everyone,
Thawing cold fear, that mean and gentle all
Behold, as may unworthiness define,
A little touch of Barry in the night.

Are you Barry too? Take the test and find out.

Update: Incroyable! Applying the transitive property of Internet quizzes, it would appear that Barack is a Republican!


Don't worry - he sides with whatever party you support too.

Posted by Cassandra at February 10, 2014 06:26 AM

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Yeah, it turns out I'm much more like Barack Obama than (say) Jackson or Jefferson or Teddy Roosevelt. How surprising! Maybe I should give him another look, even another chance.

Posted by: Grim at February 10, 2014 11:00 AM

I find it interesting that the second reason for "why" you should take the test is because it's free.

Posted by: DL Sly at February 10, 2014 01:59 PM

I came up as most like James Madison myself. Mondak's analysis actually came up reasonably close as well, although I'm not sure how much of that is the "oracle effect" of being vague and letting the listener interpret in the way they find most flattering.

•More likely to favor military intervention as a means of solving foreign policy problems.
•Less likely to think that international cooperation will solve foreign policy problems.
•More likely to take responsibility and to take an active interest in your community.
•More likely to be patriotic and proud of your country.
•More likely to enjoy romantic fiction than the rest of the population.
•Less likely to have a tolerant attitude towards smoking.
•More likely to favor harsh criminal punishments over milder ones.
•Less likely to watch TV and read the news, preferring instead to follow your own interests.
•Less likely to mobilize your friends in your own interests, preferring instead to immerse yourself in your interests in solitude.
•Someone who seems impassive to others, while being in fact quite sure of your own views.

Posted by: Matt at February 11, 2014 04:37 AM


I'm glad *someone* wasn't Barack Obama!

Posted by: Cass at February 11, 2014 07:43 AM

Finally decided to take the test.

I am George Washington!!!
Whoo hoooo!!

•Low on Extroversion, indicating that you are an introvert who prefers calm environments to large social gatherings.

•Average on Openness, indicating that you prefer to strike a balance between seeking out novelty and preserving the status quo.
•Below average on Agreeableness, indicating that you are often seen as critical, tough and domineering in social situations.

•Extremely high on Conscientiousness, indicating that you are focused when it comes to goals and deadlines and like to complete your goals and tasks before starting new ones.

•Low on Neuroticism, indicating that you are relaxed, cool under pressure, and not shy about presenting yourself or your ideas.

This part is the best, though:

According to a study done by Jayme Neiman, Ph.D., your scores indicate that you are:
•Amazingly, your personality is simply too smooth and well-rounded for Dr. Neiman's study to be able to say anything about you.

Yeah, babeee, that's me....smooooooooth and dark.
Like chocolate.

And I didn't even have to try and game the test to get there.

Posted by: DL Sly at February 11, 2014 12:57 PM

OK, I'm officially pissed off . . . the buggers likened me to Obama. He must have lied on his quiz.

Posted by: CAPT Mike at February 13, 2014 12:39 AM

Amazingly, your personality is simply too smooth and well-rounded for Dr. Neiman's study to be able to say anything about you.

Yeah, I got that too :p

Years ago someone my dad worked with in the Navy referred to him as "overly well adjusted" :p I always thought that was funny.

Posted by: Cassandra at February 13, 2014 09:00 AM

"OK, I'm officially pissed off..."

Better than being pissed on, says I.

"Yeah, I got that too :p"

And yet you were Obama who would rather lie than tell the truth, and I got George Washington, the fabled "I cannot tell a lie"-guy. What does this tell us....about Dr. Nieman's study?

Posted by: DL Sly at February 13, 2014 02:13 PM