All government —
indeed, every human benefit and enjoyment,
every virtue and every prudent act —
is founded on compromise and barter.
- Edmund Burke
Recently while reading a friend's essay, I found myself pondering the wise words of Edmund Burke, not in their intended sphere, but as applies to men, women, and the holy state of matrimony:
This NSFW "Best Divorce Letter Ever" via the ever-contradictory Gerard, who writes so well at American Digest on more (to me) congenial topics, that one shouldn't get one's knickers in a twist about it.
I have to say, tho, that it left me feeling rather grimy. As all my friends and relatives know, I am the proverbial repressed WASP and proud. The more I read of such points of view (even when just internet froth) the more I appreciate my spouse, and think that it would be better to be celibate or live like a hermit than join the casual sex crowd. I found the letter both funny and appalling. Of course I read on...We are all voyeurs some of the time. It was a bit like reading National Geographic as a child: look at all those naked people, is that what people look like under their clothes?
"Is this how people really think? How awful."
That's a thought I find myself having more and more as I traverse the Internet. But I was bothered by the title of the essay. Since when did it become prissy or prudish to expect people not to behave reprehensibly? Like Retriever I fully realize the letter (along with the one she linked earlier) was meant to be a joke but if so, it's a bitter and barbed one. I've never thought of myself as a prude, but more and more these days those words seem to have become the ne plus ultra of argument enders. No need to acknowledge - much less respond to - the argument being advanced. The speaker can safely be dismissed. After all, he or she is a prude and who pays attention to those people? Their very refusal to acquiesce to your world view makes them - by definition - unreasonable.
But still, I wonder: when did it become unacceptable to have standards? To hold out hope for - to expect - not demand, not compel, but champion what we think is right? Let's face it - we're all adults. Few, if any of us possess the power to force others to our will. So why are we faintly ashamed of the weakly flickering impulse to virtue; as though to walk the walk as confidently as we talk the talk diminishes us in some way? Makes us chumps?
Laughable. Deluded, even. We're like little children afraid of doing something that isn't cool. The other kids might laugh at us.
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I have a confession to make. I still cry at weddings. Yes, even at my age. I do so because even in this age of cynicism when the self is elevated over every other consideration, I've seen what can happen when two people willingly harness themselves in service to something larger than themselves. Yes, it's hard sometimes - and frustrating - but when I look at my parents, my in laws, my sons and their wives and my friends' marriages I see a circle of people who are better for having to consider someone other than themselves.
At some point in their lives, they saw a vision and grasped it tightly between their two hands and held on for dear life because that is what you do when you're married. It isn't always easy, nor is it painless. But then most things worth the having aren't easy or painless.
A year or so ago during one of our epic "discussions", my husband said something that really hurt me. Of course that's not why he said it - he didn't mean to hurt me and was taken aback at my reaction. But it did hurt. It hurt in a good way, because I learned I was doing something that bothered him a lot. And if I didn't want him to be unhappy, I'd have to change my behavior in ways I didn't want to.
Most of us, when the narrative of our lives is written, end up playing the starring role. We like feeling good about ourselves, and so somehow when things don't go well there is a tendency to look everywhere but in the mirror for the source of the trouble. What my husband had to say to me, though it made for unpleasant hearing, also made me look long and hard at the glowing self-portrait I'd painted. When I did, my halo looked distinctly dingy. His observation made me feel bad about myself - he spanked my inner child.
But he didn't crush me because human beings are not - or should not be - that emotionally fragile. Yes it hurt a bit, but the hurt prompted a much needed review of my standards. It made me want to change; to become a better person. And it seems to me that having aspirations, wishing to become a better person, is not such a bad thing. It's how great societies are built: as individuals strive to better themselves, they benefit not only themselves but those around them. Self restraint is contagious.
So is its opposite. And that brings me to the subject that has been worrying me of late. I'm not the only one who has noticed. Tigerhawk dubbed it "the man problem". George Will calls it a refusal to grow up:
Current economic hardships have had what is called in constitutional law a "disparate impact": The crisis has not afflicted everyone equally. Although women are a majority of the workforce, perhaps as many as 80 percent of jobs lost were held by men. This injury to men is particularly unfortunate because it may exacerbate, and be exacerbated by, a culture of immaturity among the many young men who are reluctant to grow up.
Increasingly, they are defecting from the meritocracy. Women now receive almost 58 percent of bachelor's degrees. This is why many colleges admit men with qualifications inferior to those of women applicants—which is one reason men have higher dropout rates. The Pew Research Center reports that 28 percent of wives between ages 30 and 44 have more education than their husbands, whereas only 19 percent of husbands in the same age group have more education than their wives. Twenty-three percent of men with some college education earn less than their wives. In law, medical, and doctoral programs, women are majorities or, if trends continue, will be.
In 1956, the median age of men marrying was 22.5. But between 1980 and 2004, the percentage of men reaching age 40 without marrying increased from 6 to 16.5. A recent study found that 55 percent of men 18 to 24 are living in their parents' homes, as are 13 percent of men 25 to 34, compared to 8 percent of women.
Conservatives, mostly, blame feminism. But as I pointed out in the comments over TH's place, the arguments they put forth - men are fragile hothouse flowers; they are discouraged by misandry, the feminization of culture, female centric schools, a perceived "hostile climate" that makes it impossible for men to succeed - are precisely the same arguments conservatives rightly rejected when feminists advanced them Lo! these many years ago. Women were told, in effect, "So what if it's a man's world? If you want to get ahead, suck it up and compete like a man."
Which prompts the question: whatever happened to all this talk about sucking it up and competing like a man now that the shoe appears to be on the other foot? Certainly, the numbers are daunting. But they are no worse for men now than they were for women decades ago. It's just that now that the situations are reversed, what was once sauce for the goose is most definitely NOT sauce for the gander. Some conservatives are even trying to tell us that it doesn't matter whether boys finish school. Unfortunately, it's not just a matter of boys not finishing school (though that's bad enough). The long term educational trends are disturbing:
They are disturbing because high paying manufacturing jobs have given way to white collar jobs and jobs in the service industries and jobs that require technical expertise. It is disturbing because not only are young men opting out of school - they aren't voting either. The percentage of adult men who vote has declined steadily over the past 4 or 5 decades:
In absolute terms that translates to a gap of almost 10 million votes - 10 million fewer men participating in decisions about who will lead this country:
That's not a gender gap. It's a gender schism. Some conservatives and men's rights activists will tell you that the widespread defection of men from the meritocracy is "understandable" because life in an age where men must compete with women is "unfair".
It's too "hard". These are generally the same folks who will tell you that men are stronger than women. And smarter. And harder working. Having raised two sons and lived with a Marine for over three decades, I can tell you that men are not motivated by having excuses made for them, nor by the emasculating bigotry of low expectations.
They are motivated by challenge. And risk. And by older men who will not brook shiftless behavior.
And by women who won't tolerate it either: mothers, wives, girlfriends, sisters. We don't need to berate or belittle our sons, but we do need to encourage them to act like men. What we don't need is conservatives who extol traditional masculine virtues but undermine any attempt to encourage responsibility and accountability.
Quite possibly the worst thing about feminism has been the notion that whatever young women do is right and good - that they need act no better than the basest of their instincts directs them to. Why are we repeating a formula we know doesn't work with our sons? Why are we creating victims instead of survivors? As emotionally satisfying as it is to cry "No Fair!", that's not the answer to what ails young men these days. We all - male or female - have a stake in the survival of our way of life. We don't get to take our balls and go home because losing hurts our feelings. The answer - just as it is in marriage - is not a refusal to participate. We need to help young men stay engaged, encourage them to go after what they want, challenge them to become better than they are today.
Anyone who has ever attended a graduation ceremony at Parris Island knows that men thrive on overcoming obstacles - that they need to believe in something greater than themselves. Our sons need the goad of high expectations, not the treacherous lure of inflated self esteem and self serving excuses.
The question is, do we love them enough to do what is right? Blaming feminism doesn't solve anyone's problems. The world has always been a competitive and unfair place, and men have always risen to the challenge. The truth is that it is far easier to survive and prosper now than it was for our parents and grandparents.
I very much fear it is our own softness that is the problem. The question is, will we accept what we see in the mirror and try to change? Will we take responsibility for our own part in this fiasco before it's too late?
Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. I hope we'll find the courage to do it anyway.
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How do dogs do that? How do they know that babies require different rules? In his final weeks, Molly was amply revenged. My two year old grandson was utterly obsessed with Sausage. At least 10 or 15 times a day he would burst into the room where I was working, grab Grandma's finger, and drag me to wherever poor Sausage was cowering. I would acknowledge that there was indeed a dog in the house and my grandson would toddle off, satisfied. From time to time, he would decide that the dog needed a large object placed on him while he was sleeping. Like Molly had done so many years before, Sausage responded to these assaults with patient resignation.